The Friday Funny

I'll kick off then:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my arse," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he retorted.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear, or something, and then discussed the
problem further with the doctor in private."

"Well, you shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smirked and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't shit out of it," the man replied.

Just told it to my mum. I think she's pissing herself as we speak.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab asshole!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
"Ok," the businessman said, and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, he gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously fruity man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the iron hoof finally plucks up the courage to say something to the large Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’
‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

Quality.

Yeah good one.

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.


5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Cracking couple of jokes there.

Why naked men shouldn't parachute...........

It's not Friday! Every single post on this thread has been made on a Friday until you posted and destroyed everything. You've completely ruined the aesthetic of the thread. I hope you're happy with yourself.

It's Friday in some places.
Does it specify anywhere in the thread title that it only refers to Friday - GMT?
No. I didn't think so.

What a cheeky monkey..............

If it's still funny on a Friday, technically it's a Friday Funny.

It's that time of the week again already.
This is an old one, but you've got to love it:

After a nasty car accident, a man’s wife slips into a coma. After several weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the consultant's room by the excited staff.
‘It’s amazing..,’ says the doctor, breathlessly.
‘Whilst bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed that she responded when her breasts were washed.’
The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do.
‘Well,’ says the doc. ‘If one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too.’
So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers, and began to massage her clit. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man runs back to tell the doctor, who's waiting outside.
‘Excellent!’ he said. ‘If she responds like that, I think you should try oral sex.’
Nodding, the husband returns to the room – but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.
‘What happened?’ yells the doctor, as he checks the prone woman’s pulse.
‘I'm not sure,’ replies the man. ‘I think she must have choked.’

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said, "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and, if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hits the window frame, and strikes his wife right on the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do: Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and, miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

Peering at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says, "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

"Are you out of your ****** mind?" the guy replies.
"The last time I tried that I double-bogied."

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under her arm.

Her husband meets her at the door.

She says: "This is the pig I'm shagging."

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."

The author of this thread should be done for false advertising . . . .

I know it isn't Friday .... but this chestnut, as old as the hills, dropped in and I thought it worth sharing ...

A teenage boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him there'd be no breakfast until he finishes his chores.

Naturally, he's a little ticked off ... so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast only to find his mother giving him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' replied his mother, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I saw you kick the cow so you won't be getting
any milk for a week.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and a glint in his eyes, and says,

'Are you going to tell him or should I?'

It's Tuesday, FFS. Halfway across the week.

HH_pink wrote:It's Tuesday, FFS. Halfway across the week.

Pedantic old queen.
Careful, you might mutate into taipan.

PS. Got another one, but it'll wait till Friday ... don't want to upset the pink!

Merlin wrote:Pedantic old queen.
Careful, you might mutate into taipan.

Considering you had a go at me about a typo last week that is quite funny

Touche.

Its now Friday in Australia, Merlo.