The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Zat on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 10:01

Never argue with the big dog, the big dog is always right.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by skully on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 10:36

Where is the Big Dog, anyway?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Zat on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:11

Tasmania at last report.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by WideWally on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:24

Does he still post?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Zat on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:27

Not for ages.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by skully on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:28

Too busy keeping the bank he works at from drowning in the sub-prime quick sand.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by horace on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:29

sub or subi prrime?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Zat on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 11:31

LOL

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Mon 07 Jul 2008, 14:46

Nice ones, Larry D.


I miss da Dog though.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:02

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the
menu and finally agree to share the chef's special Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around, before the lid slams back down.

"Goodness, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and this time he sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening
and demands an explanation.
"Well, sir," says the waiter. "What did you
order?"

"We both chose the same," he replies. "The Chicken Surprise."

"Oh, I do apologise - this is my fault," says the waiter.

"I've brought you the Peking Duck."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:20

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend. "There's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.'

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
'Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop wanking, your tennis elbow will never get better.'
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Geoffrey Trueman on Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:41

Thor the Viking God of Thunder and Odin King Of The Gods are enjoying a flagon of mead in Valhalla the Norse heaven. Thor turns to Odin, “You know, my Lord” he says, thoughtfully thumbing his huge mystical hammer. “Being a god is brilliant, but it’s been a millennium since I had any sex.” Odin nodded and pondered for a while. Raising his mighty head, he took pity on his melon-sacked subordinate. “Go to Earth, O Thor,” he replied. “Find thyself there what they call a ‘lady of the night’. Treat her to your manly pleasures.” Bowing gracefully, Thor retired and followed Odin’s advice, before returning the next night. “My Lord,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, “You were right – it was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times!” “37 times?” exclaimed Odin. “That poor woman!! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize!” Humbled, Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute. “I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “But you see, I’m Thor.” “You’re Thor?” shouted the girl, “What about me? I can’t even pith.”
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by WideWally on Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:53

Brings back memories of 1973.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by vilkrang on Sat 26 Jul 2008, 14:05

Day late, but anyway:

Man goes into a newsagent and says to the girl behind the counter:

"Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?"

Girl turns to the confectionary shelf behind her, picks up a Kit Kat Chunky and puts it on the counter in front of him. The man looks down with a puzzled look on his face, turns to her and says:

"What's this? I wanted a normal size one you fat bitch."

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Mon 28 Jul 2008, 18:06

So this is what Daniel Vettori does in his spare time!


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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 01 Aug 2008, 21:11

A driver on his way home from work in London comes to a halt in a traffic jam which seems worse than usual.

After a while, he notices a policeman walking towards him between the lines
of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?'

The Officer replies: 'Gordon Brown has stopped his car up ahead and is
threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.'

'Says he’s fed up because everyone blames him for the sorry state of the
economy; says he’s unfairly taking the blame for the credit crisis, the
rising cost of food and fuel and soaring taxes.'

'Anyway, we're holding a collection for him.'

The driver asks: 'So how much have you got so far?'

The Policeman says: 'About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are still
siphoning their tanks.'
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 15:48

A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Themed party - come as a human emotion."

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it! Come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two blokes, stark naked, one with his penis in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys! What the hell do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 16:25

One day, a letter arrived at the sorting office addressed simply to "God". Not knowing what else to do with it, the supervisor decided to open and read it.
"Dear God," it started. "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I really don't know who else to turn to, as I've got noone left. Just last week I opened the door to a man who said he was from the Gas Board and had come to read the meter, but the Gas Board have since said they have never heard of him, and he ran off with my savings while I was making him a cup of tea. I don't get my pension for another week, and I've got Norah and Betty coming round for our Easter dinner at the weekend. If you could send me £100 I would be so grateful, as I really am at the end of my tether.
Yours sincerely,
Edith Thompson"
When the supervisor read the letter out to his colleagues, they were so touched that they held a collection and raised £97, which they put into the envelope and sent off, feeling warmed by the milk of human kindness.
A week or so later, another letter arrived with the same shaky handwriting, and addressed again to God.
The supervisor called his colleagues over and they gathered round to read the letter.
"Dear God," it began.
"I can't thank you enough for your kind gift. I made the most wonderful meal, and Norah and Betty said it was quite the best they'd ever tasted. I dread to think what would have happened if you hadn't been able to help me out, it would surely have been the worst Easter ever, not one of the best. Thanks again.
Yours gratefully,
Edith Thompson.
P.S. I noticed it was £3 short - that'll be down to those thieving cu nts at the Post Office."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Lara Lara Laughs on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 16:34

Very Happy
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 16:39

Very Happy

Heard it before, but it is still a good one. (The post office one.)
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 17:13

Hmm... this is gonna be offensive to someone, but i dont care.

Two guys are in the beer garden of a pub, supping on their bitters. Theres a Bucking Bronco out there, and watching the useless attempts of others, they decide to both have a go.

The first guy goes up to it, full of himself, and promptly gets thrown off after about 10 seconds. The second guy says 'Mate that was bullshit, you fking watch this...'

He jumps on, stays there for a good ten minutes and then decides he is bored of this.

His mate asks 'How the hell did you manage that? Was fking amazing!'

'Easy, I have to put up with this kind of thing every night. You see,' he replies, 'My wife has got epilepsy.'

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 17:16

Ohhh. Dear.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 17:22

I cant help it, i only laugh at sick jokes.

I have plenty more, if i dont get banned.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 17:33

Dellboy will only ban you if you are a sycophant.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 17:36

Im far too self absorbed to suck up to anyone else...

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Re: The Friday Funny

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