The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 07 Mar 2008, 09:11

HH_pink wrote:Its now Friday in Australia, Merlo. wave
It isn't at the centre of the Universe yet Pinkie.
Will be in a couple of hours though!
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by HH_pink on Fri 07 Mar 2008, 09:14

What, Australia will be at the centre of the universe in a coupla hours? It's blastin' away off the face of the earth? bounce
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 07 Mar 2008, 22:26

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, madam," the mortician says. "It was a trifle.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his wife how she would like him dressed and she insisted he would look better in black.
So I just swapped the heads."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Sat 08 Mar 2008, 00:41

A woman was so enamoured with the cute kangaroo that she reached through the fence to stroke it. Whilst doing so, she inadvertently grabbed hold of the kangaroo's balls causing it to leap up and over the fence, bounding off down the road at great speed.

The woman turned to the keeper who had come running up and asked him "What did I do?"

"You squeezed that roo's balls, lady" he replied. "And you'd better do the same with mine because I've now got to catch the bugger."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Sat 08 Mar 2008, 00:48

Why does a cow have a long face?








If you had your tits pulled twice daily but were only shagged once a year .....
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by eowyn on Sat 08 Mar 2008, 01:12

I'd say it's better than nowt...........
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 21:55

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the

rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled

hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from.

So he asks, "Sorry - do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my

children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I

shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your friend

whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No," she replies. " I'm your son's English Teacher."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 21:57

My nan told me that.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 21:59

Does she know this one:

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to
bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn." ?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 22:01

Well, she's been dead for nearly 20 years...........

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 22:03

Ah. You're saying in an oblique way that it's an old joke.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 22:04

She's just talking sheet. Isn't the first time, wont be the last.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 22:05

Yes, but they say the oldies are the best.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 22:10

Actually it is pretty ancient.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 23:26

I'll let you into a secret: I'm not actually making these jokes up, I'm afraid.
I just copy them in from my stash.
There. I've said it.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 11 Apr 2008, 23:33

Really jonty? Beef-hooked, Ida never have believed. Oh well, you learn summat new everyday.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Lara Lara Laughs on Sat 12 Apr 2008, 01:05

Quality pair of jokes, jontyh. Ignore the haters.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Sat 12 Apr 2008, 01:26

Cheers, Lara. There's just no pleasing some people, eh?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Sat 12 Apr 2008, 04:12

Yeah, keep 'em coming jont.
Always good value for a laugh ...

PS., When I was told the sheep shagging insemination joke,
it was specifically with Australian livestockmen in mind. Laughing
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by mynah on Sat 12 Apr 2008, 06:14

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Eric, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 02 May 2008, 20:24

Dusted the cobwebs off another..

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed they couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching
his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him
she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird
Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't
carry this lot".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the
anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much, " he said and proceeded
to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and
go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold
me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll
hold the chickens."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 02 May 2008, 20:26

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box
of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do
with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete cock."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 02 May 2008, 20:44

Nice one Jont.
Here's an old chestnut ....

Same Rabbi's having a cuppa with a couple of his buddies in similar lines of work... a Catholic priest and a C of E vicar.... discussing amongst other things, the collection money and how each of them disperse their takings on the Sabbath.

"Well" said the Catholic priest, "All my collection belongs to God and the Church, and thus everything we collect goes towards God's good work."

The C of E vicar too has little doubt ... "I count up all my collections on a Sunday evening, and, as we are State subsidised in many cases, half goes to the the Government to settle disbursements whilst the other half stays within the Church for God's good work."

The Rabbi ponders awile, absorbing the words of his two profound friends.

"Well" he finally uttered, "For me, it's really quite simple. At the end of the Sabbath evening I put all the Collection money on the large collection tray and toss the entire contents up in the air. What stays up He keeps."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Lara Lara Laughs on Sat 03 May 2008, 00:22

Is it just me or is the above joke racist?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Sat 03 May 2008, 00:25

Told to me by a young Rabbi called Saul Leddermann at Lord's last year.

Nice try idiot.
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Re: The Friday Funny

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