The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Lara Lara Laughs on Fri 02 May 2008, 15:40

I'm not "trying" anything. And just because a Rabbi supposedly told it to you, it doesn't mean it's not racist.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 02 May 2008, 15:51

FFS Rolling Eyes
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Chivalry Augustus on Fri 02 May 2008, 15:54

A lot of jokes in the world play on stereotypes that might easily be interpreted as racist. Personally, it makes no difference to me. Unless there's a stingy Jew reading, of course.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 02 May 2008, 15:59

Not sure whether it's racist - I'm not into religion. I surmise that if any of the three are going to be greedy hand-wringing thieves, it'd be the Catholic priest.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by furriner on Fri 02 May 2008, 16:01

Lara Lara Laughs wrote:Is it just me or is the above joke racist?

Just you. I think.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 02 May 2008, 16:37

Brass Monkey wrote:Not sure whether it's racist - I'm not into religion. I surmise that if any of the three are going to be greedy hand-wringing thieves, it'd be the Catholic priest.
Exactly the point.
Switch the players round to suit the occasion.
Pseudo uni-wannabes fail to grasp this concept ... hence the need to cite anything they don't understand as racist!
Kinda like the Patel-syndrome.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Fri 02 May 2008, 16:40

Merlin wrote:Told to me by a young Rabbi called Saul Leddermann at Lord's last year.

I refuse to believe that anyone is called Saul Ledderman at Lords last year.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Lara Lara Laughs on Fri 02 May 2008, 16:41

Oh, I see! It's being ironic when it stereotypes Jews.

Us "psuedo-uni-wannabes" just can't keep up!

You don't seem to be able to grasp the fact that not everything's an attack on you, Severus.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 02 May 2008, 17:16

lardbucket wrote:
Merlin wrote:Told to me by a young Rabbi called Saul Leddermann at Lord's last year.

I refuse to believe that anyone is called Saul Ledderman at Lords last year.
Very Happy
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 09 May 2008, 23:08

A newly marrried man went out for a night with the 'lads.'
"I'll be home at midnight" he told his wife, "Promise" - and off he went.

Time passed quickly before he realized it was way after midnight ... and at round 3 a.m., six sheets to the wind, he bumbled his way back home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quick as a flash, realizing that any noise might wake up his missus, he cuckooed another nine times, proud of himself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution.

Three cuckoos plus nine more cuckoos totaled 12 MIDNIGHT ... Brilliant, he thought, as he eventually slipped
into bed beside his sleeping wife.

The next morning, as he expected, she asked him what time he'd got in.
"Midnight" he replied, without batting an eyelid.

Unpreturbed, she smiled, and said sweetly, "Oh by the way, I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.'
"Why's that" he asked ... puzzled.

"Well" she replied, " Last night our clock cuckooed three times, then muttered, 'oh, Shit.' It then cuckooed another four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by HH_pink on Sat 10 May 2008, 01:15

PMSL .... as if I wasn't already completely pi$$ed. drunken
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by furriner on Sat 10 May 2008, 01:24

And where you bin, HH?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 16 May 2008, 15:52

A couple was invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 16 May 2008, 15:53

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

"Uh?" says the man, tapping on the face of the watch.

"Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 30 May 2008, 12:08

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
are proud to announce the opening of their
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept
a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE:

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round-table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY
THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO:

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:00

I like threads like these.

They are what made C4um what it was - a grim faceless self-appointed Atropos.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:04

Laughing Laughing Laughing I like the first one Jonty posted.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:05

They are not all gems, but there are a few goodies. Smile
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:06

Where is Big Dog?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by eowyn on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:08

Brass Monkey wrote:Laughing Laughing Laughing I like the first one Jonty posted.

How to fill ice-cube trays??? scratch
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:09

shrug I meant from the 16th of May. I'm behind.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:12

Brass Monkey wrote:shrug I meant from the 16th of May. I'm behind.

At least you can be arsed.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 30 May 2008, 14:13

Jontyh wrote:At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously fruity man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the iron hoof finally plucks up the courage to say something to the large Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’
‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

Basketball
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Sun 08 Jun 2008, 00:33

Why wait for Friday?

A boy and his new date were parked on a back road some distance from town, starting to do what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy from making any further progress.

“Look I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Sun 08 Jun 2008, 00:33

Bearing Down On Him

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear staring at him.

The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. “I saw you were trying to hunt me, human”, said the bear. “But now the hunter is hunted. You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death, or f*** you up the a***!”

The hunter didn’t want to die, so he turned round, dropped his pants, let the bear push him over, haul up the hunter's haunches with his huge paws and have his dastardly way with him. The bear then ambled off with a big grin on his face, whilst the hunter crawled back to his cabin, bloody and bowed from the mauling.

The next day, slightly recovered if a bit stiff in the muscles, the outraged hunter set off after the bear, to fill him full of lead. But, as luck would have it …..

The hunter felt another tap on his shoulder, and the bear repeated the hunter's terrifying options. The man dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer by way of sympathy.

The third day, his backside still blazing, the furious hunter was determined that - come what may - he would track down that bear and blow him to smitherees ….

Yet again, however …….

This time, when the man felt the dreaded tap on his shoulder, he didn't even bother to look round. He dropped his pants and stuck his raw a*** in the air for the (by now customary) drubbing.

And the bear said, “My, my, you’re not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!!
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Re: The Friday Funny

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