The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:33

I want to revive Big Dog's famous Kiwi story.


50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

All-Black Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.

Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by furriner on Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:43

PeterCS wrote:Bearing Down On Him...

Funny how jokes can transcend cultures, conceptually at least. The Indian version is about a snake charmer hired to remove a python stuck up a man's ar$e.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:47

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs
one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:52

Laughing
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:06

An English Colonel had just been stationed at a remote base in Saudi Arabia and was being taken on a tour of the site by the clerk of the base.

The clerk showed him to the mess hall, the men's sleeping quarters, the gymnasium, and other parts of the base. The tour ended with the stable, and the clerk informed the Colonel, "This is where we keep the camel."

The Colonel replied, "What in God's blazes do we need a camel for?"

The clerk explained, "We're on a very remote base here and there are no females at all on site. And the men do get very lonely. So whenever they get a bit randy, they, um, er... use the camel, Sir."

"Say no more," says the Colonel. "I understand. I don't approve, but I understand."

Anyway, a couple of weeks go by and the Colonel is as horny as hell, but he keeps his cool. Another two weeks go by and he's near breaking point, and finally after 6 weeks on site he relents. He goes to the stable, puts a stool behind the camel, drops his trousers and proceeds to make mad, passionate love to the camel.

Midway through this affair the clerk walks into the stable and says, "Good Lord, Sir! What are you doing?"

"I thought you said that when the men got randy they used the camel?"

"Yes Sir," the clerk replied. "But normally they just ride it into town."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:07

*Boom tish*
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:07

The old ones can be good ones!
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 27 Jun 2008, 12:31

A man and his daughter were playing in the back yard after lunch. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..
Then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said. "We're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 27 Jun 2008, 12:54

A blonde had just bought a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde:

'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny do you? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.

'Well,' she replied. 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 09:41

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'WTF''s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I have never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Oi, Move it ... time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Calm down lads, here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's up with that group ahead of us? They're playing rather slowly, aren't they?'

George the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, father. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play at anytime and for free just to show our gratitude.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters fund in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by JGK on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 15:12

Q: Why does Harbhajan Singh smell?


A: So the blind can hate him too.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by skully on Sun 29 Jun 2008, 01:56

Merlin wrote:The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'
Sounds a fair question to me. Wink Cool
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Invader Zim on Sun 29 Jun 2008, 02:03

I guess merlin struggles with the whole concept of 'funny' and 'friday'.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Mon 30 Jun 2008, 10:16

A gauche young man from the Deep South won a scholarship to Harvard. On his first day he nervously approached some sophisticated-looking New England students who clearly knew their way around campus.

"Hey'yall", he said, "D'ya know where the library's at?"

He was met with a chilly stare.

"At Harvard, we don't tend to end our sentences with prepositions," retorted one of the students.

The Southern boy thought for a moment, then replied:

"OK. D'ya know where the library's at, @ssh0le?"

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Mon 30 Jun 2008, 10:28

Southern = Tazzie?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Thu 03 Jul 2008, 00:27

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-really stink terribly."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:21

FFS


Last edited by Demelza on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:27; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Guest on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:27


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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:49

Who is Steve Weaver? Is he Dream's brother?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Zat on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:52

A Steve Weaver? That's quite a feat of rugmaking.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 09:53

Demelza wrote:FFS

Yer wa'?

Don't you know it's verboten to post a funny on a Thursday?

I mean, it's not even alliterative.



What's with the bodily functions gags, Dem? Frankly, I don't see why us customers can't widdle where we like, yannaw? I mean, it's not as if we dinna pay enough for the privvylidge, like.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 14:44

Apologies in advance for this - I ran out of good ones 3 or 4 pages back.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our nails."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says,
"B&Q nails: they get the job done."

The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says,
"B&Q nails: they hold anything!"

The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus is hot footing it down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns to another and says, "Told you we should have used B&Q nails."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Jontyh on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 14:53

Frank can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and
there's nothing he can do - unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery..

Frank asks what the surgery is, and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that it sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he
agrees to the procedure.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he finally gives Frank permission to "try out his new equipment". So, that evening an excited Frank takes his wife out to dinner, but halfway through the meal he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets more and more unbearable until eventually, figuring no one can see him anyway, he unbuttons his strides. No sooner does he do this than his penis unfurls itself, flies up to his plate, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her face. "That was amazing!" she says. "Can you do it again?"

His eyes watering and a grimace on his face, Frank says, "Probably...
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Sat 05 Jul 2008, 03:01

Nice, thanks for that jonty.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by skully on Sun 06 Jul 2008, 01:27

Jonty is the new Big Dog?
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Re: The Friday Funny

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