The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Growler on Fri 01 May 2015, 10:28

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, and their domestic tranquillity had been the talk of the town all those years. The local paper sent a reporter to interview them on this special occasion.

He asked them the secret to their long and happy marriage.

"Well", says the husband, "it goes all the way back to the beginning - our honeymoon in fact".

We visited the Grand Canyon, and decided to descend to the bottom of the canyon by mule pack. Well, we'd only been going for about 10 minutes when my wifes mule stumbled. The wife said quietly 'that's once', and we continued on our way.

A little further on, and her mule stumbled once more. Again, the wife muttered under her breath 'that's twice'. We'd hardly gone another 20 yards, and her mule lost his footing a third time.  This time, instead of speaking, my wife jumped down from the mule, rooted into her handbag, pulled out a revolver and put a bullet in his head.

I began to protest about my wifes treatment of the mule. She turned and looked me straight in the eye.

"That's once"
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 15 May 2015, 10:15

Two female teachers took a group of students from  grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Kempton Racecourse.  When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Elm Park in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Fri 15 May 2015, 14:22

Two policemen call the Station on the radio.

"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:26

Why English Teachers Die Young...
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

25. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Ethics? The Gall! on Fri 12 Jun 2015, 02:56

taipan wrote:Why English Teachers Die Young...
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
actually most of them are similes.  not that this is a good time for pedantry


9.    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
transparent rip off of douglas adams

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
those three aren't that bad.  especially the last one. although i think its another rip off[/quote]
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 07:38

So, I was strolling through the mall and noticed that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
 
Wondering what exactly was in a 'Muslim bookstore', I stepped in.
 
As wandered around taking a look, the store-manager stopped me and asked if he could help me.  
I imagine I didn't look like one of his normal clients, so I asked, “Do have a copy of the
Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

He starred me in the face and  said,  "F**k off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?”
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Big Dog on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 09:28

Merlin wrote:So, I was strolling through the mall and noticed that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
 
Wondering what exactly was in a 'Muslim bookstore', I stepped in.
 
As wandered around taking a look, the store-manager stopped me and asked if he could help me.  
I imagine I didn't look like one of his normal clients, so I asked, “Do have a copy of the
Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

He starred me in the face and  said,  "F**k off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?”

lol!
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Ethics? The Gall! on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 11:22

how do you star someone in the face? is it like one of those stamps they used to use for good little kids in kindy?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 11:29

Ethics? The Gall! wrote:how do you star someone in the face?  is it like one of those stamps they used to use for good little kids in kindy?

This from an individual whose total ignorance of basic grammar and its presentation defies belief !
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Ethics? The Gall! on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 11:46

not knowing and not using are two different things

but anyway how does that answer the question? or are you just on the rag today?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 11:49

Oh shit. Never mention the rag.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by vilkrang on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 12:14

ETG, you are of course free to do as you wish, but this is supposed to be a joke thread, not the be a dickhole to people telling jokes thread.

Keep 'em coming lads(and lasses)!

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 12:53

We need Jonty.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Brass Monkey on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 13:09

Big Dog wrote:
Merlin wrote:So, I was strolling through the mall and noticed that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
 
Wondering what exactly was in a 'Muslim bookstore', I stepped in.
 
As wandered around taking a look, the store-manager stopped me and asked if he could help me.  
I imagine I didn't look like one of his normal clients, so I asked, “Do have a copy of the
Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

He starred me in the face and  said,  "F**k off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?”

lol!



You daft racists.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 13:29

Merlin wrote:
Ethics? The Gall! wrote:how do you star someone in the face?  is it like one of those stamps they used to use for good little kids in kindy?

This from an individual whose total ignorance of basic grammar and its presentation defies belief !

Ferrous wheels.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 13:36

?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 13:39

Extreme ironing. Its big here.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by tricycle on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 14:42

Are the Indian cricket team the world champions?

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 14:46

Of moral victory?

Always.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by tricycle on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 14:49

That goes without saying.

They do some extreme ironing to paper over the cracks though. Although, maybe England or Pakistan pipped them to that and are moral extreme ironing world champion status....

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 15:01

Oh the ironing.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Fri 03 Jul 2015, 15:17

Its more a female sport here. Many wives don't survive
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Sat 04 Jul 2015, 06:50

iRon will survive.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Merlin on Fri 14 Aug 2015, 11:46

Apologies if the following true story was ever published on here, but I thought it amusing
enough to warrant its reappearance ...

The following is an actual question given on University of Arizona chemistry mid-term,
and an actual answer turned in by a student.  The answer was so 'profound' that the professor
shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate
at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.   As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Emily during my Freshman year that,
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I have sex with you,' and take into account the fact
that I slept with her last night and had sex, then number two (2) must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore extinct......... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
Divine Being,  which explains why last night during sex , Emily kept repeatedly shouting  
'Oh my God.'


THE  STUDENT  RECEIVED  AN  A+.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 14 Aug 2015, 13:41

What?
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Re: The Friday Funny

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