Re: The Friday Funny

by PeterCS Fri 14 Aug 2015, 13:45

The funny part of this is Fileobrother's reaction.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1tqvix/the_man_who_loved_tractors_loooong_joke/

by OP Tipping Fri 14 Aug 2015, 15:23

The tractor joke reminded me of one about a bloke who got a job collecting tickets on the bus. On his first day, he came across one kid who didn't have a ticket at all, and immediately lost his temper, snapping the kid quite in half and sticking one half inside the other half.
He was duly tried and convicted of murder and sentenced to death by electrocution. But when they strapped him up in the electric chair, plugged him in and threw the switch, nothing happened. He didn't even flinch, looked a bit bored. After ten minutes they had to switch the chair off. They checked the law books and it turned out that basically they had carried out his sentence and couldn't have another go, so they had to let him go.
He went back to his job on the buses, but on his first day back he encountered a gentleman whose ticket had expired twenty minutes ago, so he tore the gentleman's head off and pitched it into a canal.
Once again he was sent to the chair, and once again he exhibited no physical response to the electrocution, and once again after ten minutes they had to send him on his way.
He went back to his job on the buses again, and sure enough on his first shift he collected a ticket from a nervous old lady who had torn the ticket's edges a bit, so he reached down her throat and turned her inside out. She did not survive this procedure, so he was sentenced to the electric chair. There was no surprise when, again, they switched him on and he did not react at all, and again, they had to let him go.
But while he was on his way out, the executioner stopped him. "Look mate, what's your secret?" The fellow shrugged and said, "I'm a very bad conductor."

by lardbucket Fri 14 Aug 2015, 15:30

Nice one.

by PeterCS Fri 14 Aug 2015, 18:31

With repartee like that, he might also have got away with it if he'd said "a lightning conductor".

by lardbucket Fri 14 Aug 2015, 23:57

Jontyh wrote:Frank can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and
there's nothing he can do - unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery..

Frank asks what the surgery is, and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that it sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he
agrees to the procedure.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he finally gives Frank permission to "try out his new equipment". So, that evening an excited Frank takes his wife out to dinner, but halfway through the meal he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets more and more unbearable until eventually, figuring no one can see him anyway, he unbuttons his strides. No sooner does he do this than his penis unfurls itself, flies up to his plate, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her face. "That was amazing!" she says. "Can you do it again?"

His eyes watering and a grimace on his face, Frank says, "Probably...
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse."

by OP Tipping Sat 15 Aug 2015, 07:19

"Why English Teachers Die Young...
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:"

I found those to be quite good, mainly, for high school essays.

They compare well with some of the expressions used in a recent best-selling novel.

"His tone is so... so directorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud."

"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his."

"Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow."

by lardbucket Sat 15 Aug 2015, 07:51

PeterCS wrote:The funny part of this is Fileobrother's reaction.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1tqvix/the_man_who_loved_tractors_loooong_joke/

But what was he doing to attract 'er?

by PeterCS Sat 15 Aug 2015, 22:51

lardbucket wrote:
Jontyh wrote:Frank can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and
there's nothing he can do - unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery..

Frank asks what the surgery is, and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that it sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he
agrees to the procedure.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he finally gives Frank permission to "try out his new equipment". So, that evening an excited Frank takes his wife out to dinner, but halfway through the meal he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets more and more unbearable until eventually, figuring no one can see him anyway, he unbuttons his strides. No sooner does he do this than his penis unfurls itself, flies up to his plate, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her face. "That was amazing!" she says. "Can you do it again?"

His eyes watering and a grimace on his face, Frank says, "Probably...
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse."

Jonty was the king of this thread. His Scouser jokes were always crackers, too.

by lardbucket Mon 17 Aug 2015, 13:12

Jontyh wrote:One day, a letter arrived at the sorting office addressed simply to "God". Not knowing what else to do with it, the supervisor decided to open and read it.
"Dear God," it started. "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I really don't know who else to turn to, as I've got noone left. Just last week I opened the door to a man who said he was from the Gas Board and had come to read the meter, but the Gas Board have since said they have never heard of him, and he ran off with my savings while I was making him a cup of tea. I don't get my pension for another week, and I've got Norah and Betty coming round for our Easter dinner at the weekend. If you could send me £100 I would be so grateful, as I really am at the end of my tether.
Yours sincerely,
Edith Thompson"
When the supervisor read the letter out to his colleagues, they were so touched that they held a collection and raised £97, which they put into the envelope and sent off, feeling warmed by the milk of human kindness.
A week or so later, another letter arrived with the same shaky handwriting, and addressed again to God.
The supervisor called his colleagues over and they gathered round to read the letter.
"Dear God," it began.
"I can't thank you enough for your kind gift. I made the most wonderful meal, and Norah and Betty said it was quite the best they'd ever tasted. I dread to think what would have happened if you hadn't been able to help me out, it would surely have been the worst Easter ever, not one of the best. Thanks again.
Yours gratefully,
Edith Thompson.
P.S. I noticed it was £3 short - that'll be down to those thieving cu nts at the Post Office."

by taipan Mon 17 Aug 2015, 14:28

PeterCS wrote:
lardbucket wrote:
Jontyh wrote:Frank can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and
there's nothing he can do - unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery..

Frank asks what the surgery is, and the doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that it sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he
agrees to the procedure.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he finally gives Frank permission to "try out his new equipment". So, that evening an excited Frank takes his wife out to dinner, but halfway through the meal he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets more and more unbearable until eventually, figuring no one can see him anyway, he unbuttons his strides. No sooner does he do this than his penis unfurls itself, flies up to his plate, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on
her face. "That was amazing!" she says. "Can you do it again?"

His eyes watering and a grimace on his face, Frank says, "Probably...
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse."

Jonty was the king of this thread. His Scouser jokes were always crackers, too.

The Scouse tales were jokes?

by Guest Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:09

Apologies if NTR (and some Aussies may wish to look away Cool

):

[size=15]What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne?
A waiter.

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

[/size]
[size=15]What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common
with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket
team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.[/size]

by embee Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:13

It's not Friday

by taipan Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:16

embee wrote:It's not Friday

Aus might be batting before Friday.

by Guest Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:17

embee wrote:It's not Friday

It is funny though.

by lardbucket Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:30

They're old!

by Guest Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:31

I suspected they might be, and I also suspected that in the past substituting "Aussie" for "Pom" may have been done Very Happy

.

by lardbucket Tue 18 Aug 2015, 07:33

I first heard (most of) them in the late 1990s; but I don't think they were new then.

by Growler Tue 18 Aug 2015, 11:48

Aye, most of 'em have barnacles on, and the names do change over the years.

When we were catching it for 20 years of so, we did wonder whether we'd ever have chance to hand it back .....

but honestly if we'd said we'd do so in 5 out of 7 series, you Aussies would have said we needed a net thrown over us, followed by a dose of strong drugs.

by PeterCS Tue 18 Aug 2015, 12:06

A couple of them could be Yabba's work.

If so, it might suggest beware derision and glee. What goes around, keeps ****** coming around. ( Esp if you're a Pom supporter.... Rolling Eyes

)

by Merlin Fri 28 Aug 2015, 08:01

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into
Premiership football games, where the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles
(it was probably West Ham United) to be greeted by:

"That will be ten quid, mate"

“What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

The guy on the turnstile retorted,
"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

by Guest Fri 28 Aug 2015, 09:02

Bit harsh on English humour.

by Brass Monkey Fri 28 Aug 2015, 11:01

English humour has been cheaped.

by PeterCS Fri 28 Aug 2015, 11:15

Not so sure about that meat pie, either.

Is there a vedge version?

by lardbucket Fri 28 Aug 2015, 12:11

Just a couple of wedges.

by taipan Fri 28 Aug 2015, 12:26

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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