The Friday Funny

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Wed 11 Nov 2015, 06:09

It's not Friday, but I liked this one:

An elderly man owns a large farm which has a large pond down the back with a picnic table, horseshoe court, and some apple and peach trees. One afternoon he decides to go down to the pond and collect some fruit so he grabs a five-gallon bucket to carry the fruit in.

As he nears the pond, he hears voices shouting and laughing. As he gets closer, he sees a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He makes the women aware of his presence and they all go to the deep end. One of the women shouts to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowns, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked” ... then, holding the bucket up, “I'm here to feed the crocodile”.


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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Wed 11 Nov 2015, 14:09

I hear Jaws music ....
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by horace on Wed 11 Nov 2015, 23:10

snap
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Thu 12 Nov 2015, 08:46

In 'Jaws' there really was a shark.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Thu 12 Nov 2015, 11:39

Maybe there was one really happy croc. (I don't mean the grandad.)
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Sat 28 Nov 2015, 20:51

Friday November 27

A&E departments urged to hide where stupid people can’t find them:

A&E under pressure:

A&E departments have been told they could relieve significant pressure on their staff by hiding from the sort of people who get vacuum attachments stuck up their arses.

The College of Emergency Medicine claimed that unless something changes, A&E departments will soon be overrun by morons suffering with entirely preventable injuries.

A spokesperson explained, “We can handle broken limbs, falls, heart attacks and even the odd elderly tumble.”

“What we can’t handle is your pissed mate thinking he can jump over a moving car, or wondering whether the shampoo bottle would fit up his arse.”

“Some sort of IQ test before we let them in would be ideal, but possibly a bit impractical.”

“Maybe it would just be easier to hide the A&E department where stupid people would never go, like the library?”

A&E departments under pressure:

Medical experts have said moving the A&E department where stupid people can’t find it would have a number of other benefits, beyond relieving pressure on overworked doctors and nurses.

Consultant Simon Williams told us, “This has the added benefit of weeding out the borderline simpletons, who might not survive whatever ridiculous self-inflicted injury they’ve suffered – and therefore help the rest of society indirectly.”

“Imagine a world where people who would put a light bulb up their arse don’t exist – this move could make that world a reality.”




For some reason I thought of mynah when I came across this article ... she always found this sort of stuff.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Tue 08 Dec 2015, 17:59

A boat carrying a consignment of red paint crashed into a boat carrying a consignment of blue paint.


Both crews ended up marooned.

(With thx to The Gorge)
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 15 Jan 2016, 13:27

A lawyer decides to walk to work every day, to help relieve the stress and get some much-needed exercise. It's not that far.

As it happens, on his way,there's a petshop with a birdcage outside. In the cage is a grey parrot. Every morning and every evening, upon clapping its eyes on the lawyer, the bird screeches "f***ing bloodsucker! f***ing bloodsucker!".

This goes on day after day - week after week - because the lawyer has broad shoulders, he tells himself.

But finally one morning he has just had enough of this - the news has got round among his clients, and it's damaging his trade.

He storms into the petshop, grabs the owner by the lapels and tells him that if he doesn't do something about that bird straight away, he's going to sue the arse off him (the shopkeeper, that is) for slander.

The shaken shopkeeper reassures the lawyer that the parrot will never, ever utter such a hurtful obscenity again.

That evening, as the lawyer approaches the shop on his way home, he notices that damned bird is still out front.

Slowing his step, and watching the parrot like a hawk, the lawyer creeps nearer. The parrot is staring at him too, and as his foe passes - just daring the bird to pipe up again - it shuffles along its perch and whispers to him, "Psst - oi - come over here!"

The lawyer goes up to the bird - it leans against the bars of its cage, looks him stonily straight in the eye, then winks and chuckles: "Heh heh heh, yeah - y'know what I'm thinking!"
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Fri 15 Jan 2016, 13:43

On reaching his seat on the plane, Ben Stokes is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He tries not to look.

Once the plane is up and away, Stokesy asks the nearest flight attendant for a coffee. Whereupon the parrot squawks, "Hey you - get me a double whisky, bitch!"

The flight attendant, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets all about the coffee. While Stokes, red in the face with embarrassment and surprise, gently points this out to her, the parrot knocks back its whisky and screeches:

"And while you're at it, get me another f***ing double whisky, or I'll slap your face!"

Upset and trembling with fury, the flight attendant comes back with another whisky - but still no coffee. Himself annoyed at this stage, and noting the bird's striking success in ordering, Stokes decides to parrot the parrot's approach.

"Look you, where's my f***ing coffee? I've asked for it twice! Go and get it right now.... or I'll kick your ass!"

In a trice, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up from their seats and flung out via the emergency exit by the two burliest members of the cabin crew.

As they start to plummet earthwards, the parrot turns to Stokes and says, nodding its head in deep respect: "Stokesy - for someone with no wings, you're one ballsy bastard!"
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Big Dog on Sat 19 Mar 2016, 06:38

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor
(WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only
available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05:

After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Tue 17 May 2016, 10:22

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes..." she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat".
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Tue 17 May 2016, 15:25

So I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?".

He said: "Hmm, it depends. How flexible are you?"

I said: "Well, I can't make Tuesdays."
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by taipan on Wed 29 Jun 2016, 09:34

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cases of Beer, for the price of 2."

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Big Dog on Wed 29 Jun 2016, 09:50

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Growler on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 00:11

A couple get home after celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, and are sitting relaxing with a nightcap.

Chap looks over at his wife and says -

"you know, 40 years ago we were living in a grotty rented flat, drove a clapped out rusty car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black & white telly....... but I got to sleep with a red-hot 23 year old every night.

Now I have a $500K home, a $45K car, huge comfy bed and a massive TV/home cinema system - but I'm sleeping with a 63 year old woman .... looks to me like you're not really holding up your end of the deal."

She looks back at him and smiles, saying -

"You're right, and I'm sorry, but I'll make a new deal. You go find a red-hot 23 year old to sleep with every night .......... and I'll make sure that you drive a shitty wreck of a car, and go home to a grotty rented flat, a sofa bed, and a 10 inch black & white TV - just like 40 years ago. How does that sound ? "
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Bradman on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 00:18

Alright.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Big Dog on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 05:24

Men's Helpline

Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob.

How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the
caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot.

I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I
always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home.

So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse.

Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a
hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by lardbucket on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 05:53

Nice.

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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by horace on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 05:55

Very good.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by horace on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 06:10

Pig wsshrd up.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by PeterCS on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 18:41

Think he needs a new motor.
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by DJ_Smerk on Thu 24 Nov 2016, 22:53



Which one of you is this? Laughing
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by horace on Fri 25 Nov 2016, 00:17

Embee is the ladyboy on the right

Taipan imped a young Merlin on the left.

All good? Perhaps not.



C
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by embee on Fri 25 Nov 2016, 00:26

it's gabba dan
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Re: The Friday Funny

Post by Big Dog on Thu 01 Dec 2016, 06:27

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
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Re: The Friday Funny

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