Darwin Awards

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Darwin Awards

Post by taipan on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 10:41

Found these while looking for something else.

You need to read these…2006 Darwin awards!

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved
it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and
hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was
caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To
which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I
stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next
to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon
hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering humankind please share these with your
friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals
by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case
be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Batman on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 11:03

Noice. Wonder if they all happened really or are some witty snippets someone imagined?
:laule:
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by JKLever on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 11:06

Some of those have got to be made up.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by taipan on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 11:20

If they are the real darwin awards they actually happened.

Never underestimate the stupidity of people.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by doremi on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 11:26

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Very Happy
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Batman on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 11:41

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that Bucky walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When Bucky
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. Bucky, frustrated, accused the clerk of being a white racist who deprived poor subis of food, blamed him for racially motivated refusal to serve breakfast to him, abused him for not opening the cash register saying it was all the white capitalist Goldman Sachs cooked conspiracy with hidden secret agendas aimed at promoting hunger among Indians, shot all the white patrons in the joint and walked away muttering he fulfilled his karma of setting the blinkered world right.

Fixed!
Twisted Evil
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Jontyh on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 13:01

From the same site:

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by JKLever on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 13:02

Hey Jonty, what did you make of the Ashes to Ashes ending?
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Jontyh on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 16:19

Eh up, JK! I have to say I didn't enjoy the series as a whole as much as the first one. The masons storyline was weak and just fizzled out after a few episodes; Supermac was a good character but went too early; Summers' behaviour in stalking Alex wasn't really explained in the denouement properly (only his reason for being back in '83 was), and Gene's character was inconsistent, varying between introspection, alienation and boorishness. Still, it had its moments, and was better than watching any soap or reality bollocks.
In answer to your question, I thought the ending pretty clever as a lead into the third series. I'm guessing she hasn't really woken up but has dreamt it, and that 50ml dose of super-antibiotics - or Gene's bullet - has sent her into a deeper coma.
What did you make of it all?
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by JKLever on Tue 23 Jun 2009, 16:26

Pretty much that, though I enjoyed it just as much as the first series. Thoguht the ending was very clever. Just hope they can give a half decent explanation to the LOM/A2A world or they'll end up cocking up the whole series...
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by mynah on Mon 28 Sep 2009, 22:17

Do you have to die to earn a Darwin award - or just remove yourself from the gene pool? I guess these two certainly achieved the latter...

DIY circumcisions go wrong


affraid
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by taipan on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 07:07

I think death is mandatory.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by mynah on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 08:46

Perhaps, if they really had to, a scientific study of the male anatomy would have been in order. (Even a plumbing manual could have told them that it is unwise to shorten a pipe without thinking of the consequences.) As it is, they've probably forfeited their chance of passing on their dumbness genes to any progeny...

I guess the really stupid one is the one who submitted to the op that was done second.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Guest on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:08

Darwin's Theory is unscientific and worse, unBiblical because he was possessed by a demon. Only through Our Lord Jesus Christ can we be saved.

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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by mynah on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:58

Did the demon evolve, or was he created? Twisted Evil
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Brass Monkey on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 12:30

The devil evolved from an angel... hmmm.... surely christians should believe in the old evo.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Guest on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:40

mynah wrote:Did the demon evolve, or was he created? Twisted Evil

He was created by Almighty God, then rebelled.

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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by lardbucket on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 13:51

Jontyh wrote:From the same site:

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."


... and thank you, Gerard Hoffnung. Now, does anyone know where you can get a recording of this, first aired sometime back in the 1950's?

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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by lardbucket on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:00

Never mind. It's on Youtube again ... temporarily, I guess.


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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by vilkrang on Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:26

lardbucket wrote:Never mind. It's on Youtube again ... temporarily, I guess.

I wished I'd seen that before reading the story, much funnier having him read it out.

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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by mynah on Wed 30 Sep 2009, 13:16

Brass Monkey wrote:The devil evolved from an angel... hmmm.... surely christians should believe in the old evo.
Seems like a sure case of devilution...
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Jontyh on Thu 01 Oct 2009, 09:01

Brilliant, Lardy. I've never heard of the bloke, but I'll be scanning the interweb for more. Just found this, coincidentally: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00mw15p/Afternoon_Play_Hoffnung_Drawn_to_Music/
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Bradman on Thu 01 Oct 2009, 09:22

That was very well told.

The high speed rocket car into the cliff is sposed to be a crock of shit too. Methinks the Darwin website is having a lend of us sometime.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Jontyh on Thu 01 Oct 2009, 09:27

Aye. You'd have to think that most of it is apocryphal; though people's stupidity can be astonishing.
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Re: Darwin Awards

Post by Bradman on Thu 01 Oct 2009, 09:37

Yeah I saw a bloke once who'd seen a chain mail glove demonstrated to him and then demonstrated it's effectiveness to his mates, not by cutting across it but by stabbing his hand repeatedly.

"It's alright guys it'll work eventually."

The story about the bloke in the Territory who repeatedly got bitten by a snake in the beer garden in a Territory pub as he was trying to remove it, and telling police he would've been alright if he'd used his right hand instead of his left hand is also true.

When the cops asked him why he didn't use his right hand he told them he didn't want to put his beer down.
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Re: Darwin Awards

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