England v India, 3rd Test, Rose Bowl, 27-31 July, 2014

This game is gone, and rumours are getting stronger that Cook will be sacked/stand down after Lord's. So, what to do for Southampton? How about a big f*cking clear out? Yes? Ok.

Robson
Lyth/Hales
Balance
Root
Moeen
Stokes
Buttler+
Plunkett
Jordan
Broad ©
Riley

I don't see why f*cking not.

Carberry
Compton
Ali
Root
Ballance
Bopara
Foster (c)
Stokes
Jordan
Plunkett
Finn

Still a batting lineup full of stodgers. Moeen used to be a batsman full of flair, but four months within the England setup has seen to that. Compton and Carberry haven't been making enough runs in County cricket.

what about the other Robson?

Pele
Arthur Scargill
Desmond Tutu
Cher
David Copperfield *
Brian Blessed
The ghost of Jeremy Beadle +
Sinitta
Madge from Neighbours
Harold from Neighbours
Bernie Clifton

Albert and Harold Steptoe should be in there

Gareth Gates
Willo The Wisp
Sloth
Nina Nannar
Gordon Ramsey
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
Chairman Mao's skeletal remains
Steven Mullaney
BUPA
Timothy Claypole
The first cat they can catch in a snare made of snot and hope

Cook
Robson
Ballance
Bell
Root
Moeen
Prior
Stokes
Plunkett
Broad
Anderson

There's not that many options when you look at it. You could open with Alex Hales if you wanted to go crazy. England won't want to go crazy, Michael Carberry will replace Cook if he goes. Kerrigan is the spinner-in-waiting, seemingly, so they might pick him over one of the seamers. Anderson and Broad may be rested, but not both together, and definitely not dropped. I'd like to see Bell go as well, permanently, but that's not about to happen. He's a young Bradman/Tendulkar/Lara in the eyes of many an Englishman, despite being mostly sh*t for his whole Test career.

Doesn't matter, England are going to win the second Test anyway, in spite of themselves.

Team'll be unchanged.

Dello wrote:Doesn't matter, England are going to win the second Test anyway, in spite of themselves.

Team'll be unchanged.

Can't see that happening now Moeen's gone - I think it'll be a very valiant loss.

Prior and Stokes to come. Surely one of them's due a score.

Jimmy Anderson to smite the winning runs off Jadeja. And then take a shit on his head in celebration - really earn that ban.

Dello wrote:Prior and Stokes to come. Surely one of them's due a score.

Alastair Cook and Ian Bell are 'due a score'. Unfortunately, cricket by-and-large relies on technical ability and mental fortitude - it's quite distinct that Twat and Ginge miss some or all of the requirements.

If we win, it'll be no change. If we lose, I would go with:

Lyth
Root
Ballance
Vince
Moeen
Patel
Stokes
Broad
Foster
Plunkett
Brookes

Brass Monkey wrote:

Dello wrote:Prior and Stokes to come. Surely one of them's due a score.

Alastair Cook and Ian Bell are 'due a score'. Unfortunately, cricket by-and-large relies on technical ability and mental fortitude - it's quite distinct that Twat and Ginge miss some or all of the requirements.

But any kind of score will do, with Saint Joseph ticking over nicely at the other end.

An edgy 20 or 30 would be fine.

Broad at eight?? He should be number 11 in that side. I'd go for Jordan over Brooks. And for goodness sake, let's not move Root around in the batting order yet again just as he's getting settled in one spot.

Dello wrote:Prior and Stokes to come. Surely one of them's due a score.

Jimmy Anderson to smite the winning runs off Jadeja. And then take a shit on his head in celebration - really earn that ban.

Sir, your scatocrickological fantasies have no place on this board.

Yeah, for definite. If anyone still thinks Root's an opener, they're sorely mistaken.

Remember when I tipped Prior and Stokes to make a score?

What a boob I was back then.

Yeah, well, you don't get much right.

My tip for Jimmy to score the winning runs is still alive, though...

Involved in the winning run......out. Close enough....

Henry wrote:Broad at eight?? He should be number 11 in that side. I'd go for Jordan over Brooks. And for goodness sake, let's not move Root around in the batting order yet again just as he's getting settled in one spot.

Thinking about it, Jordan can play instead of Broad who must be due surgery on his knee.

Three changes: Cook, Prior, Broad. And Stokes - to bat at 10. It's obvious, it won't happen.

Anyone to captain. Andrew Gayle at a pinch. Bat him at 7. At least he has some captaincy talent. Bob Key, if he's still alive.

Buttler (or anyone - Read, Foster). Jordan.

To open: anyone. No actually, make Bell suffer. Shove him in to open, and show his balls.

Done.

There will be one change, one scapegoat if you like, probably Prior on "fitness" grounds (they won't admit to actually dropping someone for crapness). Replaced by Bairstow, in all probability. And Fatboy Tim for Jimmy if he's suspended, strengthens the batting very slightly... or maybe they'll go with Woakes, he must be bored of carrying drinks by now. He's as medium pace meh as India's attack, so might do well in this series.

In fact, maybe the way to break the Curse of Woakes and Kerrigan, i.e. stop the rot that was started with their poorly thought out debuts almost a year ago, is to play them both together again, lose spectacularly by an innings, stamp them both NTPFEA, and we start winning again. All is forgiven with KP and he makes a comeback double century. Swann's elbow miraculously heals or he reinvents himself as a left-armer, Trott trots back into the side and the real Alastair Cook returns in place of the waxwork replica that's been in his place.