The Jingle Bails advent calendar 2014

Just power through. Anything will do. Virat Kohli unwrapping a gift of a vibrating butt-plug? That'll do. Chris Gayle unwrapping a gift of a vibrating butt-plug? That's the 15th sorted. Ian Bell as a vibrating butt-plug? Maybe save that for Christmas Day.

You've just got to pick a theme. Some might say Christmas, but they're not thinking out of the shitbox.

Come on, son - don't leave me short. There'll be no calendar if you can't fulfill your quota. Those are the stakes. Life or death.

Think of the disappointment on the faceless faces of the three people who visit this forum if there's no advent calendar this year. Don't break their hearts. Not after Mitchell Johnson. Not now.

I've phoned in 6 & 7... Trying to be 'topical' but it be hard work, because the more I think about it, the less seems to have happened this year. That's drugs and alcohol for you, I suppose. Cheers for the pep talk coachford

It has been a pretty uneventful cricketing year. Which is odd, as we've had a World Cup, an Ashes, and the Royal London One-Day Cup.

It's all been much of a mehness.  

As long as there's a cricketer in the picture, in some capacity, then that's topical enough. And even if it isn't, what is anyone going to do about it? Demand a refund?

They'll take what they're given and like it. Cameron's Britain.

Brass Monkey wrote:I've phoned in 6 & 7... Trying to be 'topical' but it be hard work, because the more I think about it, the less seems to have happened this year. That's drugs and alcohol for you, I suppose. Cheers for the pep talk coachford

Don't you mean coachhead?

Dello wrote:It has been a pretty uneventful cricketing year. Which is odd, as we've had a World Cup, an Ashes, and the Royal London One-Day Cup.

It's all been much of a mehness.  

As long as there's a cricketer in the picture, in some capacity, then that's topical enough. And even if it isn't, what is anyone going to do about it? Demand a refund?

They'll take what they're given and like it. Cameron's Britain.

Maybe the fires of zeal for the Great Game no longer blaze as of yore?


I did suggest few ting.

But you specified non-England only please.

Were there perhaps not so many Tests this year - or even cricket events of any sort - that did not turn on some débâcle involving England?

AFGHANISTAN!

Has either of you included Afghanistan in some way?

(Has that been mentioned?)

(Not that there's much comic relief - unless you contrived some dig at someone else, perhaps.)

PeterCS wrote:

Brass Monkey wrote:I've phoned in 6 & 7... Trying to be 'topical' but it be hard work, because the more I think about it, the less seems to have happened this year. That's drugs and alcohol for you, I suppose. Cheers for the pep talk coachford

Don't you mean coachhead?

Coachford - like Roachford with less feel for me baby cuddly toys.

Dello wrote:It has been a pretty uneventful cricketing year. Which is odd, as we've had a World Cup, an Ashes, and the Royal London One-Day Cup.

It's all been much of a mehness.  

As long as there's a cricketer in the picture, in some capacity, then that's topical enough. And even if it isn't, what is anyone going to do about it? Demand a refund?

They'll take what they're given and like it. Cameron's Britain.

I'm trying to keep it PG, trying to cut out the bitterness - y'know the anti-me: the one that comes out at yuletide and pretends for a couple of weeks.

PeterCS wrote:AFGHANISTAN!

Has either of you included Afghanistan in some way?

(Has that been mentioned?)

(Not that there's much comic relief - unless you contrived some dig at someone else, perhaps.)

As the great George W. Bush once said: f*ck Afghanistan and WMDs they rode in on.

Brass Monkey wrote:

I'm trying to keep it PG, trying to cut out the bitterness...

What? We can do that?

Oh, I've badly misjudged the tone of the room...

Only at Christmas time. Got to be good. Otherwise Father Christmas won't come and give me the presents I didn't ask for every single year. He seems to have a lot of socks and whiskey to get rid of. Still, my feet are always warm and my liver is shot to shit - what more could a human being possibly want?

Undies. This is the year where the elastic seems to have given out on about 80% of my dacks all at the same time.

Please, Santa, don't make me suffer the indignity of buying new ones in person. Like a grown up or something. I can't have cashiers imagining me naked, even for a split second. Humanity would come to a crashing halt amidst a tidal wave of gusset sploshing and weird cooing.

Yeah, undies too.

Makes the triumvirate of gash in my present receiving world.

I would like to say it keeps my scrotal area all toasty but the fact is I usually receive 'bollock smashers'. So have to revert to 'old rusty': a 7 year old pair of Calvins that are black, apart from the area I've systematically piss-bleached.

Thank the stars I don't get any outside 'extra-marital relations'. How does one go about explaining the old piss-bleach?

Is that just me?

Probably just me.

As you were.

How can you piss-bleach black grundies? I thought that was the whole point of them - they mask a multitude of sins.

Bollock smashers are the worst. What's wrong with people that they can't just let their fruit swing freely from the branches? It's what Jesus would've wanted.

A neighbour of mine twisted his nuts once, had to have them cut open and untwisted. The image has never left me, and I've been meticulously careful not to place my baggage under any crushing strain ever since.

Even when I roll over in bed, my first move is to ensure the boys are properly aligned and accounted for.

Wait to you reach an age when the x.as orthopaedic stocking contains a new bag. And you look forward to it.

Oh, and that's thirteen and out. The old Moeen.

I am done for the year. Bit biased towards whitey, but that's Cameron's Britain brushing off on me.

Dello wrote:How can you piss-bleach black grundies? I thought that was the whole point of them - they mask a multitude of sins.

Bollock smashers are the worst. What's wrong with people that they can't just let their fruit swing freely from the branches? It's what Jesus would've wanted.

A neighbour of mine twisted his nuts once, had to have them cut open and untwisted. The image has never left me, and I've been meticulously careful not to place my baggage under any crushing strain ever since.

Even when I roll over in bed, my first move is to ensure the boys are properly aligned and accounted for.

Exactly. Old Rusty cradles my misters with the gentleness of an angel. You haven't been wearing yours for long enough.

Congratulations on completing the test. I'm still only halfway through. Maybe I should get Old Rusty in there somewhere.

horace wrote:Wait to you reach an age when the x.as orthopaedic stocking contains a new bag. And you look forward to it.

I'm sticking to the thought that you wear, and have always worn, an iron G-string.

Brass Monkey wrote:

Dello wrote:How can you piss-bleach black grundies? I thought that was the whole point of them - they mask a multitude of sins.

Bollock smashers are the worst. What's wrong with people that they can't just let their fruit swing freely from the branches? It's what Jesus would've wanted.

A neighbour of mine twisted his nuts once, had to have them cut open and untwisted. The image has never left me, and I've been meticulously careful not to place my baggage under any crushing strain ever since.

Even when I roll over in bed, my first move is to ensure the boys are properly aligned and accounted for.

Exactly. Old Rusty cradles my misters with the gentleness of an angel. You haven't been wearing yours for long enough.

Congratulations on completing the test. I'm still only halfway through. Maybe I should get Old Rusty in there somewhere.

I'd say so. Underdaks for Christmas, 'unselfconsciously' modelled by Sturat, Jimmeh, KP, Strausser, Steven Finn (one hanging out after being impaled on something) and of course the Belf ... who gets the Rusties.

Brass Monkey wrote:

horace wrote:Wait to you reach an age when the x.as orthopaedic stocking contains a new bag. And you look forward to it.

I'm sticking to the thought that you wear, and have always worn, an iron G-string.

Thanks for betraying Vi ctorias Secret.

not so much Iron Gronn as Iron Groin?

Just as long as it's not Iron Lung.

Rust never sleeps.

horace wrote:Rust never  sleeps.

You've already heard Brass's omments though. My, my ... into the black.

Dello wrote:Undies. This is the year where the elastic seems to have given out on about 80% of my dacks all at the same time.

Please, Santa, don't make me suffer the indignity of buying new ones in person. Like a grown up or something. I can't have cashiers imagining me naked, even for a split second. Humanity would come to a crashing halt amidst a tidal wave of gusset sploshing and weird cooing.

Whatever you do, don't tell yer mum !!

If you do, you'll regret it - trust me. She'll tell all your aunties too that you need fresh undercrackers, and they'll all buy them for you.

Only thing is, if they're like so many mums & aunties, they'll be down the market getting 'em at 3 for £5-00 or 7 for a tenner ....... which is a bargain.

I warn ya - tell your mum & you'll end up with 35 pairs of battleship grey Y-fronts