Perhaps mainly for beamer ... One man's preferred Ashes squad, what's yours?

All joking*, irony* and hyperbole* apart ... who would you pick for the Original Big Jetting England Cricket Tour (OBJECT)?

I mean at this point in time. Things may well change between now and then.

And I mean the Test squad. White ball is for another day.


Here's my lot:

R Burns (yes I know, but get him some nerve counselling or slap him round the chops a few times, also give him some catching practice)
H Hameed (he has the technique that many don't, nervous temperament has been the issue so far - more nerve counselling, aromatherapy, hot stones or something)
A Davies (ex-Lancs for some reason, they've let go their most reliable batter, now Warks. Opener or #3, also keeps wicket - but then of England batsmen, who doesn't?)
D Malan (again, he does have the technique, all he needs is a working relationship with his fellow-neurotics)
J Root (with a lot of captaining consultation from the two wisest heads they can find - e.g. Buttler, to be more enterprising where Joe keeps letting things drift to hell, and Stokes or Burns)
O Pope or D Lawrence (honestly, it's like Little and Large versions of the same promise not yet delivered. A bit of counselling perhaps, either way. Maybe Pope, on technique)
B Stokes???? (you never know, he might be up for the Historic Big One again (HBO). If not, fair enough - the recently dismaying S Curran it is.)
J Buttler (also VC - he is the sort of player who may well come off in Oz. "Come off", not as in despatched to the pavilion first ball)
B Foakes (yes I know I've suggested Davies, more than a standard "utility player" - but Foakes is the best of the glovemen, and can bat. Might release Buttler only to bat & VC)
M Parkinson (yes I know, but aggressive leggies with bounce, variations including a googly are likely to go better than most (tamer) finger spinners in Oz. By "go", I don't mean over the ropes. - I still hanker after Rashid, but ok, I'll call that one a day now.)
C Woakes (he has speeded up a bit, though hardly express. But at least ONE fm/mf bowler is okay in Oz, provided the nagging accuracy is there. See BrezzyLad 2010/11, albeit wek batting oppositiion - also, Woakes knows how to bat, and has a decent technique with the willow)
O Robinson (tape his mouth up, but, provided he's part of a pack of quicks, he can do well, and I would hazard a hunch, in Oz too)
M Wood (maybe. WIth a squad of 16 - I'd take 16 - you can afford one permanent injury risk. He has the speed, incision and the spirit, and is also good for the team spirit - not only incidental in Oz)
S Mahmood (sorry to be a bore, but he "has to go", young blood, fast, a threat, and like Parky, a man for the big occasion: he doesn't wilt like so many others under an England cap)
J Anderson (well there's the two arms of my theory gone, about ONE fm-mf bowler & ONE permanent injury risk. But if fit, he has the guile. I wouldn't perhaps give him the new ball, though)
J Leach (for Melbourne & Sydney only)

You'll understand why I've left Jonny & Mo out at this stage. They keep making the same damn mistakes, over and over again. And Sibley, Crawley - I wouldn't stamp their international files with the big black spot yet. But it might take them longer than two months, a) to cotton on to the fact that there's more to a bat than its edges - and then b) learn consistently to bat accordingly.) There are so many other walking wounded, if they make a miraculous comeback (Broad? Stone??) in the next month, I might change my view. I did at the top say: "at this point...".


* okay, so I was just kidding ... shades of tongue-in-cheek irony are ineluctable with a sport like this, on a forum like this.

And being of England & fond of cricket, rugby, football to an extent, steeps people such as meself in the mild acid bath of long-suffering humour.

Well, not having watched any county red-ball cricket for as long as I remember, I really can’t comment on those outside the squad or recent call-ups. But:

Openers - Burns and Hameed look as close to adequate as anyone we’ve had for a few years, it’s an impossible job, so can’t see the value in spinning the wheel again. We need a backup and preferably someone with a bit of experience (not Jennings, as he has to be able to play pace bowling!)

Middle order - obviously Root picks himself and has to bat 4. Malan is a good tourist and seems the best of a shaky bunch of options at #3 right now. I’d leave Sibley and Crawley to reassess their games and maybe go on the ‘A’ tour (do they still have those?)

Pope is the best natural talent we have, other than the captain, and needs a run in the side, as I said recently, #5 is the ideal spot. Baby Bell (or better?) or poor man’s Vince, time will tell. Lawrence looks quite similar, I’d take him along for the ride.

Keeper-batsmen - Foakes deserves a run as nobody else has proven their other attributes outweigh his best keeper status. Buttler, if he wants to go, has value as a squad member even if he’s failed to make his batting talent tell. I think Jonny needs leaving as a white-ball specialist now, unless maybe we try a radical experiment as pinch-hitting opener. His stumps would be rearranged on a regular basis down under. Bracey needs his passport confiscating just to make sure!

All-rounders - obviously we want Stokes, but unless he’s mentally and physically right it could do long-term damage. Woakes deserves to be in this category and could bat at 7 to balance the side if needed. Moeen, well, forget his batting for now, take him if he’s the second-best spinner, otherwise not. If there’s another bat-first all-rounder as cover for Stokes, identify him quickly.

Spinners - Further to the above, Leach has to be first choice and we need to find a way to get him into the side. Bess isn’t up to it. Other candidates apply in writing, a mystery spinner would be nice but have we ever had one?

Seamers - Jimmy has to go if he’s fit, for one last fling. Shame we can’t sub him at half-time though. Wood has to go as the last quick man standing. Robinson has booked his place with this summer’s efforts. I’d like to see what Mahmood has but haven’t seen enough to really comment. Broad or Overton as a backup would at least give us some control.

So, how many in a squad?
Burns, Hameed, AN Other (opener), Malan, Root*, Pope, Lawrence, Foakes+, Buttler+, Stokes/AN Other (batting all-rounder), Woakes, Leach, Moeen/AN Other (spinner), Anderson, Wood, Robinson, Mahmood/Broad/Overton (maybe two of then).

Anyway, as our selections suggest, whoever we go with, it’s rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. The previous couple of years were the time to try players out, we’re pretty much stuck with what we’ve got at this stage. There’s no prodigal son to come back, as per Bring Back Gower/Botham/KP etc. in the past (other than Stokes, but the circumstances are a bit different). There’s no criminally overlooked youngster making mincemeat of county opponents. Any new cap would be a shot in the dark.

If we don’t lose 5-0 it will be an achievement (or down to some unseasonable Aussie weather). And if we do, we’ll have the two vacancies of captain and coach to fill. Still, I’d back Root to hang on a bit longer. After all, who do we play next summer? South Africa. And their director of cricket? None other than Graeme Craig “Greg” Smith, Terminator of England Captains. He finished off three of the last four long-term incumbents, and I’m sure he’s eyeing up Captain COARIAB, even without a bat in hand this time.

Logically, he'd be finishing off Silverwood this time ...

Whoever forms the touring party I reckon the Poms are a real chance. The Oz team are stuffed by the bnlg. Most players recognise he is little more than a flag waving idiot.

We have one and a half players who are up to the required level, so I think you’ll be OK…

However, beams, let's not forget that Aus's much vaunted attack of Cummins, Hazlewood, Starc and Lyon could not finish off India twice in consecutive Tests in our last summer (on the 2nd occasion Pant took them to a famous victory), after we got into winning positions.

In Sydney we had India 3-102 against a 407 target but could only get 2 more wickets for well over 200 runs before the Draw was declared.

Then in Brisbane India had an allegedly difficult 4th innings target of 328. They achieved it 7 down thanks to a Pant masterclass (like he did in Sydney).

Both times Lyon was expected to bowl us to victory on a last day wicket and both times he failed.

And by this stage India had been decimated  by injuries and withdrawals (E-Coli had returned to India for the birth of his first child).

So all is not lost for England.

Root apart, India’s second string batting pisses on our first choice line-up, unless it’s swinging around corners.

Aside from englands known batting weakneses, if we
had a fully fit stokes archer and stone, it might make it
more competitive, but 2 wont be there and stokes is a ?

if the ashes does go ahead hazel et al will be salivating
at the thougt of bowling at burns and hameed at the gabba. If
we could bat like india did against oz, i'm sure we would have
a better chance. But its not just the batting.

our bowlers are only effective on responsive pitches, eg when
the oval went flat india made 466. England shell too many catches.
in both matches we lost we missed rohit and rahul multiple times.

yobbo has had a good season but bowling on very friendly wickets,
and hes not quick, so i wouldnt expect him to be a force in oz.

plus we never win at the gabba [1936?], and the 2nd is a daynighter
which we always lose by huge margins. so they could be 2-0 down just like
last time

Random thoughts:

Sam Curran is not a test cricketer, I would take George Garton as the left arm option.

Bairstow has been jerked about by the selectors and should be reinstated as batsman/keeper.

Mo has been labelled as our number one offie but I doubt if he will make himself available.

There needs to be a place for James Vince.

Basil wrote:There needs to be a place for James Vince.

Yes… at home.

He never showed any ability to convert starts into meaningful innings at Test level, his loose drives to slip for 30 made Bell look like Boycott… we’re much better off investing in younger players like Pope and Lawrence who could still develop their game.

And it has to be Bairstow or Buttler now. Or neither.

Anyway, what we need is an anti-Vince. A gritty customer at number 6 who will prize his wicket, score some ugly runs and not throw in the towel at 50-4. Bat with the tail and restore some respectability. Are there any obvious candidates?

James Taylor looked like he might become that player before his unfortunate enforced retirement, so surely in his selector/scout role he’s well placed to find someone.

beamer wrote:Anyway, what we need is an anti-Vince. A gritty customer at number 6 who will prize his wicket, score some ugly runs and not throw in the towel at 50-4. Bat with the tail and restore some respectability. Are there any obvious candidates?

James Taylor looked like he might become that player before his unfortunate enforced retirement, so surely in his selector/scout role he’s well placed to find someone.

That'll be Darren Stevens then.

it seems its more a case of whos willing to go, and especially
how long for. this time the rotation might be unofficial but
determined by the players. A few of the squad like buttler
will also be in the T20 WC and will probably want a break
from the bubble after that.