Would you rate this as a joke?

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms!


Why did the girl fall off the cliff?
Because she had no eyes!


Why did the man fall of his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him!

No

Oh.

Terrible.

What about .....

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop looks bewildered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot in size."

"And ..... just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

"Give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

It WAS a questiion.

Better.

So, you want a blow-up doll? What religion?

Man after op

"Doctor I can't feel my legs"

Doctor

"That's not surprising as I have amputated your arms"

A middle-aged man bought a brand new sports car.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 km/h and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man ,and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car inevitably to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the car and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said "Have a nice day."

taipan wrote:Man after op

"Doctor I can't feel my legs"

Doctor

"That's not surprising as I have amputated your arms"

Man after op . . . "Will I be able to play the piano?"

Doctor, "Yes."

Man, "That's good, cos I couldn't before."

Superman is flying off Gold Coast when he decides to use his X-Ray vision to take a peek at Wonder Woman. He sees her lying all naked in bed and thinks,"Hmmm, with my superspeed I could fly in, lay her and fly out within a second without her even seeing it was me"

And so he flies in, has supersex in superspeed within a second and flies off.

After he has left, Wonder Woman asks puzzled,"What was that sound Darling? I thought I heard something....."

Invisible Man who was screwing her says,"I don't know where that chill passed me by from, but I sure as hell feel like someone farked me from behind..."

Batman wrote:Superman is flying off Gold Coast when he decides to use his X-Ray vision to take a peek at Wonder Woman. He sees her lying all naked in bed and thinks,"Hmmm, with my superspeed I could fly in, lay her and fly out within a second without her even seeing it was me"

And so he flies in, has supersex in superspeed within a second and flies off.

After he has left, Wonder Woman asks puzzled,"What was that sound Darling? I thought I heard something....."

Invisible Man who was screwing her says,"I don't know where that chill passed me by from, but I sure as hell feel like someone farked me from behind..."

Jebus Batty, that has to be the oldest joke ever told here.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts punching numbers into the palm of his hand (lile a telephone) and talking into his hand. The barman walks over and tells him look, he's had a busy evening, this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn't want any sort of funny business here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm a very hi-tec guy. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the mobile."

The barman says "Huh. Prove it."

The guy punches in another number and hands his hand to the barman. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the barman. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my bos, my lawyer, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the gents?" The barman directs him to the gents. The guy shuffles off, 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighbourhood, the barman goes into the gents. He finds the guy spreadeagled against the wall. His pants are down by his ankles and he has a roll of toilet paper stuck up his arse.

"Oh my God!" shouts the barman. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns, bored-looking, and says: "Nah, I'm fine. I'm just waiting for this farkin' FAX to come through."

Probably funnier as part of the full standup routine

Two nuns in a bath.

Nun 1 "where's the soap"

Nun 2 "Yes it does, doesn't it"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshields wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the Car!"

JGK wrote:Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

I was trying to think of this one, after I read taipans. They're both from The Vicar of Dibley!

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks

Demelza wrote:

JGK wrote:Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

I was trying to think of this one, after I read taipans. They're both from The Vicar of Dibley!

Mine wasn't

Invader Zim wrote:Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks

Jebus Zimmy, I can even date the time I first heard that.

It was July 1977

They're both older than that.

lardbucket wrote:Probably funnier as part of the full standup routine

Specially for "posers"?

"Ah well, they can't all be gems".

Which was the point of the thread. The rough around the diamonds. Toecurlers.
Apart from being a sort of takeoff of he thread asking if the Rankings were a joke.

taipan wrote:

Demelza wrote:

JGK wrote:Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

I was trying to think of this one, after I read taipans. They're both from The Vicar of Dibley!

Mine wasn't

Well, it was was one of those jokes used at the end of the programme between the vicar and Alice.