Would you rate this as a joke?

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

Demelza wrote:

taipan wrote:

Demelza wrote:

JGK wrote:Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

I was trying to think of this one, after I read taipans. They're both from The Vicar of Dibley!

Mine wasn't

Well, it was was one of those jokes used at the end of the programme between the vicar and Alice.

I heard before that show even started.

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbles across an old lamp. He rubs the lamp vigorously and a genie appears, the way they do.

Good news and bad news: "I am a genie, but I'm a bit stiff after being stuck in that crummy urn for so long, so I can grant but one wish, not the standard three".

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurts out "Grouse, turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Cascade!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turns amber. The genie vanishes. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances.

Johnno looks disgustedly at Davo. "Nice going, qunt, now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

(This joke does not work if the only beer available is XXXX or VB)

PeterCS wrote:

lardbucket wrote:Probably funnier as part of the full standup routine

Specially for "posers"?

"Ah well, they can't all be gems".

Which was the point of the thread. The rough around the diamonds. Toecurlers.
Apart from being a sort of takeoff of he thread asking if the Rankings were a joke.

Your post was hit by friendly fire.

A highly successful young couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,lined with million dollar houses.

On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows now. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.'

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.'
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A wizened old man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.

'No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'OK, great! - it's a deal!!!' the husband said. 'I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem - it's the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife.

'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said.

'Consider it done.' the genie replied.

'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said.

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looks at the wizened old man, looks at the wife and said,
'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.'

The genie took the wife upstairs and rooted her arse off for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway, honey?'

'35.' she replied.

'35!!!!!! And he still believes in genies - that's touching.'

taipan wrote:Mine wasn't

Well, it was was one of those jokes used at the end of the programme between the vicar and Alice.[/quote]

I heard before that show even started.[/quote]
Okay, when exactly did you hear it?

You mean they aren't real?

Demelza wrote:

taipan wrote:Mine wasn't

Well, it was was one of those jokes used at the end of the programme between the vicar and Alice.

I heard before that show even started.[/quote]
Okay, when exactly did you hear it?[/quote]

Late '70's

lardbucket wrote:You mean they aren't real?

What is?

taipan wrote:

Demelza wrote:

taipan wrote:Mine wasn't

Well, it was was one of those jokes used at the end of the programme between the vicar and Alice.

I heard before that show even started.

Okay, when exactly did you hear it?[/quote]

Late '70's[/quote]
Okay, let you off then.

Here's some more . . .

Why did the anarchist drink chamomile tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

And the dyslexic agnostic who lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

What about the desperate dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa ....

taipan wrote:And the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

fixed

Watson and Crick were pioneers of DNA ... the National Dyslexic Association.

Best graffitti ever.

"Cunnilingus is a tongue twister"

Yes.

PeterCS wrote:Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms!


Why did the girl fall off the cliff?
Because she had no eyes!


Why did the man fall of his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him!

Yes, I have told the first two before... never heard the third one though!

Usually gets a chuckle from my fellow evil metalhead friends.

What do you call a group of nuns doing press-ups in a cucumber field?









Suspicious.

Why are jokes that make you groan rather than laugh funny?

It's the truth.

Two girls were sitting at the end of a pier with their legs in the water. A shark comes up to them. One of the girls says, "You can't eat me, my daddy has a typewriter".

Shouldn't that be ".... is a journo for News International?"

The shark would get the hell out of it.

PeterCS wrote:Shouldn't that be ".... is a journo for News International?"

No, that wouldn't make any sense.

Which in tuirn reminds me of one of my favourites - dated as it may be:


An alsatian went to a telegram office and asked what it cost to send a telegram.

Ten words, three pounds, the clerk replied.

The alsatian wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper closely and told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for no extra charge."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

PeterCS wrote:A highly successful young couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,lined with million dollar houses.

On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows now. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.'

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.'
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A wizened old man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.

'No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'OK, great! - it's a deal!!!' the husband said. 'I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem - it's the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife.

'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said.

'Consider it done.' the genie replied.

'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said.

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looks at the wizened old man, looks at the wife and said,
'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.'

The genie took the wife upstairs and rooted her arse off for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway, honey?'

'35.' she replied.

'35!!!!!! And he still believes in genies - that's touching.'

I used this in the pub last night. Cheers mate!