Crikey.com on Channel Nein commentary team

by JGK Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:40 pm

Nine’s cricket team: all out except Slats

As the cricket season eases into being, it’s time to reflect on the upcoming fixtures for the Aussies. Test series against world cricket’s also-rans, the West Indies and Pakistan, do not really engender too much in the way of enthusiasm. Why bother to reflect really.
And what’s going to make it worse, hard to believe though that may be, is the Channel Nine commentary (read pensioners) team, most of whom are well beyond their use-by dates.
Richie, who may well have commentated on the birth of agriculture, has already signalled his intention to put us out of his misery by pulling stumps at the end of 2010.
“I’ll be doing Australian cricket next year, 2010, but I don’t do any television at all anywhere else now and when I finish next year, then I’ll be doing other things,” Benaud said in a radio interview. “That’ll be no more television commentary.”
Sure, Rich has some wonderful moments during his almost 50 years of dining out on the “two for two two two” (none of the moments fashionable, in a beige clothing sort of sense … and let’s not start on the haircut, which rivalled Ray Martin’s in the derision stakes) but the writing was well and truly on the wall. Enough already.
A lot of the others in Nine’s team have been riding on Kerry Packer’s coat-tails since he revolutionised the game in the ’70s, but the big fella has gone to the great World Series in the sky, so why the need to keep ‘em on?
Certainly not for entertainment value.
There were reasons aplenty to love the excitable Bill Lawry over the years … “Gone, got him”, “he’s a Victorian”, “it’s all happening”, etc … but the time is right for him to become a full-time former-plumber-turned-pigeon-racer.
Bill’s on-screen adversary, Tony Greig, has seen better days. Rethinking that last statement, no, Tony has not seen better days. He has never had better days … not even a particularly good one, come to that … certainly not since he played for the Poms. My old man (who is no doubt having a jar and arguing cricket with big Kezza somewhere up there) used to say “Greig would make a great Aussie”. The old man hasn’t been around to be tortured by the big key-poking bald bloke who sells the memorabilia that those who should know say isn’t memorabilia.
With Greig, whose Tony Greig impersonation isn’t half as good as Billy Birmingham’s, Nine should do the Lou Richards thing, when it consigned him to the handball segment on the Sunday morning footy show as a way of easing him out. Greig could be trotted out every time there is a handball segment on the cricket coverage.
Ian Chappell, great cricketer that he was, is a grate cricket commentator. Boring. Time to walk, Chappelli.
And don’t get me started on Mark Taylor, perhaps best remembered for not passing Bradman’s 334 during a Test in Peshawar in October, 1998. Imagine talking Bradman and Taylor in the same breath. Jesus wept. Taylor was not even as good a player as Justin Langer. The fact that Tubby talks faster than Alvin the chipmunk is reason enough to send him back to selling air-conditioners on TV, where the more words you can get into an ad, the better, apparently.
Ian Healy, sorry, but you have to go, too, and again make way for Adam Gilchrist. Sure, you deserved to get a final home Test before the selectors trotted out Gilly in a baggy green, but they made the tough call. Sentiment has no place in the commentary box either, in much the same way that Mark Nicholas has no place in it. Ditto Simon O’Donnell.
Michael Slater rocks. Nine can keep him for as long as he keeps doing the business.
The game has changed so much since Nine’s oldies played. What now can they offer that they haven’t said a million times before. Bugger all is a safe bet.
And who should replace the senior’s card brigade?
If Mark Waugh and Damien Fleming (currently commentating on FoxSports) are not, along with S. K. Warne, the best in the business, then James Packer’s a jockey. And although he bowled a shit line and length, Brendon Julian (FoxSports) is more than good enough to play the Nicholas role, whatever that may be.
Waugh is a joy to listen to … he’s incisive, analytical, humourous and almost as entertaining as Flemmo, the bowlologist.
Throw in wine buff S.C.G McGill (he’s a natural after his excellent Ashes stint on SBS) and for colour, Greg Matthews (SBS: he and Warnie could talk hair crap during rain delays) and Skull, aka Kerry O’Keeffe, who has a great head for radio. Gilly, a champion bloke in anyone’s estimation, would be skipper. Damien Martyn (SBS) and Greg Blewett (FoxSports) would come off the bench.
None of these blokes, Skull aside, are that long out of the game (Warne and Gilly are still going around in the funpark that is India’s 20-20 thing and Matthews is still rolling the arm in some form of grade cricket in Sydney) and would offer the freshness that’s sadly absent at the moment.
Remember, Nine, it’s about entertainment, too.

*Michael Vaughan had the name long before the former England captain, and once scored an unbeaten hundred in a grand final for the mighty King Harold CC.

by embee Mon Nov 02, 2009 3:47 pm

The guys he wants as keepers or replacements are all shithouse too

..or will be interesting for about 5 minutes

at least he didn't suggest Lawson or Maxwell

by horace Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:05 pm

lost me when he suggested magoo

by skully Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:35 pm

I liked this...

"Ian Chappell, great cricketer that he was, is a grate cricket commentator. Boring. Time to walk, Chappelli."

And qmy would've loved this...

"And don’t get me started on Mark Taylor, perhaps best remembered for not passing Bradman’s 334 during a Test in Peshawar in October, 1998. Imagine talking Bradman and Taylor in the same breath. Jesus wept. Taylor was not even as good a player as Justin Langer."
Cool

by horace Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:43 pm

the first part of the article was v funny, but when he got on to solutions it bacame farcical

by G.Wood Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:52 pm

skully wrote:I liked this...

"Ian Chappell, great cricketer that he was, is a grate cricket commentator. Boring. Time to walk, Chappelli."

And qmy would've loved this...

"And don’t get me started on Mark Taylor, perhaps best remembered for not passing Bradman’s 334 during a Test in Peshawar in October, 1998. Imagine talking Bradman and Taylor in the same breath. Jesus wept. Taylor was not even as good a player as Justin Langer."

I actually watched highlights of the fat f**k yesterday on Fox. I had forgotten just how good a bat he was in the early days

by skully Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:57 pm

G.Wood wrote:
skully wrote:I liked this...

"Ian Chappell, great cricketer that he was, is a grate cricket commentator. Boring. Time to walk, Chappelli."

And qmy would've loved this...

"And don’t get me started on Mark Taylor, perhaps best remembered for not passing Bradman’s 334 during a Test in Peshawar in October, 1998. Imagine talking Bradman and Taylor in the same breath. Jesus wept. Taylor was not even as good a player as Justin Langer."

I actually watched highlights of the fat f**k yesterday on Fox. I had forgotten just how good a bat he was in the early days

Was thinking the same thing, Woody. The 89-90 version of Tubby in his full pomp weren't half bad to watch. He certainly smacked the Paksters about. And even qmy would have to agree that Tubby done good in Ashes 89. Cool

by JGK Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:01 pm

Tubby had a few good innings against the SAffies too I think.

by skully Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:04 pm

Aye, qmy doth protest too much, methinks. Cool

And grouse avi, JGK. cheers

by Basil Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:29 am

embee wrote:The guys he wants as keepers or replacements are all shithouse too

..or will be interesting for about 5 minutes

at least he didn't suggest Lawson or Maxwell

Have Nick Knight.................please

by JKLever Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:05 am

Aye. That bloke could sit on the fence about the holocaust...

by Hass Wed Nov 04, 2009 8:12 am

Mark Taylor is incredibly under-rated as a batsman.

The only team he failed to perform against was the West Indies, but hell, most batsman failed against the likes of Marshall, Ambrose and Walsh.

I think it's because he went through that horrible slump where he kept his place in the team as Australia's Brearley. Most batsmen would have been dropped upon completely losing form like that, but Taylor was so valuable to the team as captain (and at first slip) that he was kept in the side despite his horror run with the bat.

He was never a fast scorer, but neither were most openers in his day. And he really could cut loose with the horizontal bat shots (especially the pull) if he got himself in.

His partnership with Slater was extremely important in Australia's rise to the top. They averaged 51 together over almost 80 innings.

by DJ_Smerk Wed Nov 04, 2009 8:14 am

Hass wrote:Mark Taylor is incredibly under-rated as a batsman.

The only team he failed to perform against was the West Indies, but hell, most batsman failed against the likes of Marshall, Ambrose and Walsh.

I think it's because he went through that horrible slump where he kept his place in the team as Australia's Brearley. Most batsmen would have been dropped upon completely losing form like that, but Taylor was so valuable to the team as captain (and at first slip) that he was kept in the side despite his horror run with the bat.

He was never a fast scorer, but neither were most openers in his day. And he really could cut loose with the horizontal bat shots (especially the pull) if he got himself in.

His partnership with Slater was extremely important in Australia's rise to the top. They averaged 51 together over almost 80 innings.

Good post.

by G.Wood Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:59 am

skully wrote:Aye, qmy doth protest too much, methinks.

To be fair to the queer billy, he only derides TFF for the period after 96/97

by Basil Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:31 am

I like the comparison with Brearley - I would just add that Taylor was 10 X the batsman that Brearley was!

by simkat Wed Nov 04, 2009 2:38 pm

Mark Taylor is my favourite Australian player of all time. Loved watching him bat and I thought he was a great captain. I loved his demeanour both on and off the field too - such a welcome change from Captain Grumpy.

I used to have a saying "all's right in the world with Tubby at first slip" so things haven't been right in my world for a very long time geek

by skully Wed Nov 04, 2009 2:40 pm

Hehe. You and Bradman (better known as qmy to his mates on here) will get on great. Cool

by simkat Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:21 pm

I've been meaning to ask (although sometimes it's better not to Wink

) what does qmy mean?

by G.Wood Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:31 pm

simkat wrote:I've been meaning to ask (although sometimes it's better not to ) what does qmy mean?

Just a reference to a very old login ID he had on a now defunct forum. He also answers to Tadpole Head

by skully Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:04 pm

simkat wrote:I've been meaning to ask (although sometimes it's better not to ) what does qmy mean?

G.Wood wrote:Just a reference to a very old login ID he had on a now defunct forum. He also answers to Tadpole Head

Bradman's former ID elsewhere was qm3 (or ???). In that ever so Aussie way, we shortened it and lengthened it again by adding a "y". Cool

And it sounds vaguely rude. columbo

by taipan Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:35 pm

skully wrote:Hehe. You and Bradman (better known as qmy to his mates on here) will get on great.

Since you are the only one to call him that it says a lot.

by simkat Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:32 pm

G.Wood wrote:Just a reference to a very old login ID he had on a now defunct forum. He also answers to Tadpole Head

He does? I'll take your word for it. Laughing

skully wrote:Bradman's former ID elsewhere was qm3 (or ???). In that ever so Aussie way, we shortened it and lengthened it again by adding a "y".

And it sounds vaguely rude.

Good to see some Aussie traditions are alive and well - it gladdens my little ocker heart Laughing

Must admit 'vaguely rude' did cross my mind What a Face

by taipan Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:40 pm

simkat wrote:
G.Wood wrote:Just a reference to a very old login ID he had on a now defunct forum. He also answers to Tadpole Head

He does? I'll take your word for it.

That's the polite version.

by skully Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:40 pm

by Bradman Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:51 pm

Having fun with my tag dickheads?

RD is right that I only got the shits with TFF after he should've been dropped. I'm also on the record as seeing he's our best captain since Border and probably going back to Armstrong before that.

For those unfamiliar with old forums RD(Woody) will occasionally answer to Alfie as he loves the guy so much he demanded secondments to the guy's hometown, plus it's the only place on Earth he could get laid, but only if he had a pair of ugh boots to buy the poor deranged lass with.

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