England and Australia Ashes ratings

ENGLAND

Strauss: Solid with the bat, solid with the captaincy - although too cautious by half. 7

If he were a movie, he might be...

Spoiler:

Cook: Useless in the summer, fantastic in the winter. Couldn't have gone any better. 10

Obviously, if he were a film, he'd be...

Spoiler:

Trott: So unfashionable, you'd think he'd been beamed in from the 70s. Or South Africa. A unabashed run-whore. 9

If he were a movie...?

Spoiler:

Pietersen: Reports of his terminal demise were greatly exaggerated. Game looked in great shape, actually. Attention span of a child, however... 7

Coming soon to a bargain bin near you...

Spoiler:

Collingwood: Ah, Colly - thanks for the memories. And the catches. And, erm, you know, the memories. 3

An under-rated film, incidentally...

Spoiler:

Bell: Traded in his Malteser Balls for Scotch Eggs. And a little cheatle juice. No longer the Belf. 8

Surely I wouldn't have predictably chosen "Elf"...

Spoiler:

Prior: Took his time to get going with the bat, but it all came together in the end. Keeping was top-notch too. Apart from the simplest of stumpings which he spunked up the wall for old time's sake. Ah, nostalgia... 8

If his Ashes were Hollywoodised...

Spoiler:

Bresnan: Came into the side to a chorus of groans, which quickly turned to cheers. And possibly some eye-rubbing, arm-pinching and a few sobriety tests. Was that really Tim Bresnan taking Aussie wickets? Took a few scalps with some proper pies, mind... 8

If you wanted to rent him for an hour and a half...

Spoiler:

Swann: A little bit off his game, all told. But was still good enough to cash in at Adelaide and win us a Test, while chipping in bits and bobs in the other matches. Catching was flawless. 7

Does he do the "Sprinkler" in this...?

Spoiler:

Tremlett: Better late than never - the big Goober finally arrives on the scene. 17 wickets in three games, and even then, frankly, he was hard done by. Beat the bat/induced play-and-misses more than any other bowler in the series. And he only played three games. Stay fit, Goobs. 8

Spoiler:

Anderson: Easily his best ever series for England. Never went around park, no matter how soft the ball got. Looked to have run out of juice in the third and fourth Tests, where Tremlett out-bowled him, but he came back strongly in the fifth. So skilful. 9

And they said they'd never amount to much in Aussie conditions...

Spoiler:

Finn: Never really found his line or length all tour. Still contributed wickets, but seemed, at times, a bit out of his depth. Not depth. Readiness, maybe. Although 14 wickets from three games would've made him the greatest Aussie bowler since McGrath and earned him some kind of chicken deal. 6

If the silver-screen came a-calling...

Spoiler:

Broad: Went okay in his two Tests without having the numbers to show for it. I'm not sure, as some have said, that he would have definitely done better in the Tests he missed - for the most part I felt he bowled too short. As he always does. In spite of his best bowling moments in cricket coming from the spells where he's pitched it up. A little over-rated, IMHO. 5

But be sure to catch his best work...

Spoiler:

Awesome work Dello !!

And yet, you didn't have time to do an advent calendar. Softcock.

Forum gold.

Excellent work!

It's amazing how much Angelina Jolie does actually resemble a young Jon Voight. (From the Prior spoiler)

These days you'd have no idea he was her Father.

Henry wrote:It's amazing how much Angelina Jolie does actually resemble a young Jon Voight. (From the Prior spoiler)

These days you'd have no idea he was her Father.

She is an attendee at his church?

No, around 35 years ago he had sex with a woman who then pushed a baby they named Angelina out from between her legs nine months later.

Wonderful

Way too much time on your hands Dello, but bloody funny.

Zat wrote:And yet, you didn't have time to do an advent calendar. Softcock.

I wasn't around. Blame Smerk - he said he'd do it.

If in doubt, blame the Welsh. That's a motto to live by.

Henry wrote:It's amazing how much Angelina Jolie does actually resemble a young Jon Voight. (From the Prior spoiler)

These days you'd have no idea he was her Father.

You don't have to try so hard to justify spanking off to Jon Voight - we're an open-minded bunch here.

We accept you for you.

I bet you're knackered after all that. I didn't know that that Catch 22 film existed so thanks.

Great stuff Dello, I can't find a thread though where you're ranting about the propensity of the England team to collapse.

How about the Aussie team? I can't get past Shane Watson and My Beautiful Laundrette at the moment.

Actually come to think about it, how about Downfall for Ricky Ponting? I'm sure the Youtube video already exists.

Yes. Come on, Jay - get your finger out and an Aussie one done.
That was excellent!

Dello wrote:

Zat wrote:And yet, you didn't have time to do an advent calendar. Softcock.

I wasn't around. Blame Smerk - he said he'd do it.

If in doubt, blame the Welsh. That's a motto to live by.

Good work, Dello, you qunt.

AUSTRALIA

Watson: Arch pisser-away of good starts and running numb-skull. Did all right, though. 6

He'll be back... or something...

Spoiler:

Katich: Looked typically nuggety and obdurate before he died. 6

Or did he die...?

Spoiler:

Hughes: Good eye. Bad everything else. I imagine Don Bradman started out the same... 2

Never really cut loose...

Spoiler:

Ponting: Couldn't buy a run, couldn't captain his way out of a wet paper bag with a machete. 2

Straight to DVD...

Spoiler:

Khawaja: Looks a good prospect. Not much else to add, other than he didn't score any runs. 5

But he's a superstar nevertheless...

Spoiler:

Clarke: Went into the series thinking he couldn't play short bowling due to his gammy back. Turned out he couldn't play any bowling due to his gammy ticker. 2

Bollocks if it is predictable...

Spoiler:

Hussey: A shining beacon of virginal modesty among the unlubricated buggery. Carried the entire top-order. Helped slightly by England's refusal, for three Tests, to accept that their plan of bowling him only long-hops wasn't a winner. Nice bloke, too. 9

Heh...

Spoiler:

North: As predictably fair-weathered as the rest of his Test career to date. The opposite of a man for a crisis. 2

Was always on borrowed time...

Spoiler:

Smith: Extraordinary pick. Doesn't bat or bowl. What is he, the mascot? Did he win a radio phone-in competition? Make-a-wish foundation? Extraordinary. 1

If he were a movie, surely he'd be...

Spoiler:

Haddin: Gutsy competitor. Bit mouthy. Flashing blade. It's like he's read the How to be a Wicketkeeper manual. Or at least the pop-up book. 8

Liked a word or two...

Spoiler:

Johnson: Like a disingenuous Steve Harmison. At least big Steve's pea-heartedness was consistent with his meek and feeble personality and avowed dislike of hurting batsmen - Johnson was all talk; of knocking blocks off, of getting in faces, only to tip-toe apologetically to the crease and bowl a load of mince before skulking off like a kicked dog. 4

I enjoyed it, though...

Spoiler:

Doherty: The specialist Pietersen getter-outer. I mean, honestly, what were they expecting? 2

A cult classic...

Spoiler:

Siddle: Did all right. Found his courage to have a pop in the fleeting moments Australia were on top. Quiet as a mouse the rest of the time. 6

You wouldn't pay to see it...

Spoiler:

Harris: Gave it everything. Until his body packed it in. Shame. Good cricketer. 7

This isn't in the slightest bit amusing. But a recommended watch...

Spoiler:

Bollinger: Out of shape, out of puff, out of the Ashes after one miserably limp pie fling. 2

The most hirsute man in Hollywood...

Spoiler:

Hilfenhaus: Apparently he only played in four of the games. I didn't notice when he wasn't picked, nor when he was. Barely a step up on the usefulness scale from a cadaver. 2

Was it this many, I lost count...

Spoiler:

Beer: One and done, I reckon. Wasn't awful. Just wasn't anything remotely approaching a Test cricketer. 2

They have tried a few spinners...

Spoiler:

laughed so hard, my bag near exploded

feckin brilliant dello. Top shelf.

I am so drunk, but I guffawed a millionfold. Mu roomate is now awake and unhappy. Dello, I solute ad curse you in equL amounts, but I would probably kiss your willy if you asked.

Even better than the England ones, there's a career in comedy somewhere for you Dello....

PMSL at the Hussey one.

Yup. Redefines Forum Gold, Jay

JKLever wrote:Even better than the England ones, there's a career in comedy somewhere for you Dello....

In my head, I always imagined Dello as looking and actually being a bit like Marcus Brigstocke in real life.

Jay - am I close?

Superb stuff Jay. But you seem to have a bit of an obsession with Bill Murry films as source material. That's not healthy.