Duck joke

Two ducks walk into a bar. "Evening Donald, evening Desmond," says the barman, "What can I get you guys? The usual?" "Yes please,Bob," says Donald and so Bob gives them a pint each. The ducks down them in one. "Boy we needed those!" sighs Desmond, "Same again please Bob." "Tiring day?" asks Bob, lining them up. "Oh you know," replies Desmond, "The usual duck stuff...in and out of puddles all day." "What about you, Don?" asks Bob. "You look worn out mate." "I am Bob" says Donald, "Just like Desmond here, been in and out of puddles all day; hardly even stopped for a rest."
Just then another duck comes in. This one's female and looks a bit ruffled. "Hi boys!" she giggles. Donald waves her over. "Come and join us, Puddles! What are you drinking?"

I ducked. It went way over my head.

It only works if you say it.

That's a quacker of a joke.

Godddim! Gawn for a f*ck.

Terrible.

Put in on the bill.

Getting away from the ducks, that joke reminds me of this one.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?
The boy had a bath.

Want to hear another clean joke?
He had a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.


That joke also works with Michael Jackson in place of the boy and Bubbles the monkey in place of the girl.

A duck walks into a bar and sits between a rich man and a poor man.
The rich man says, "I just bought my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."

"Why did you buy her both things?" the duck enquires.

"That way," the rich man replies, "If she doesn't like her diamond ring she can take it back in her new car".

The duck then looks over to the poor man.

The poor man says, "It just so happens that my wife's birthday was last week, and I bought her sandles and a dildo".

The duck then asked the poor man why he bought her both things.

"Well..," replies the poor man. "That way, if she doesn't like the sandles she can go f*ck herself!"

Times were tough on the farm. There'd been a long drought and most of the stock had died. Rather than eat the remaining animals, the farmer asked each of his three sons to "take an animal into town and sell it for as much as you can get."

The eldest son took the last remaining cow, the next eldest took the last remaining sheep and the youngest son was left with the last remaining duck.

Upon reaching town the youngest son tried to sell his duck to an attractive blonde woman. She didn't have any money spare but said, "Would you let me have it if I gave you a root?"
Being full of hormones the young boy said, "Yes", and they made love behind the bushes.

The woman loved it so much she asked the boy if they could do it again. The boy said yes, but only if she gave the duck back. She agreed and they shagged for a second time.

After composing himself he started walking down the road again when a large truck approached. The duck got scared, and jumped out of the boy's arms onto the road, where it was promplty squashed by the truck.

The truck driver stopped and said, "I'm sorry for running over your duck boy. That must have been worth a fair bit of money. I also feel a bit guilty about it all so would you just accept this 50 and call it square?"

The boy couldn't believe his luck and returned home where his father quizzed all three boys on what they got.

The eldest son said, "Father, I got 10 bucks for a cow."

The second eldest son then said, "Father, I did even better. I got 20 bucks for a sheep."

The youngest son then spoke up, "Father, I did better than both of them. I got a f*** for a duck and a duck for a f*** and 50 bucks for a f***ed up duck."

Actually, this is my favourite duck joke:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him agog and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk?!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working" says the duck.

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord. "Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub - in fact, you're the first. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck, finishing his lunch. "Bye, then."

This continues for a couple of weeks, until one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," the ringleader replies. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey! Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right - the one over the road," replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "Why the f*ck do they need a plasterer?"

Jontyh wrote:Actually, this is my favourite duck joke:

nobody has a favourite 'duck joke' FFS

I do. I have a favourite joke in various generic categories, so stick that in your pipe, Lever.

You are Sid Little aren't you?

Citeh fan, comedic genius - it all adds up!

Get away. Eddie Large was the comic genius in that duo.
It was he that coined the immortal, and hilarious, moniker 'Supersonic Sid'
don't forget..

I remember. Not worth forgetting.






It's not every day you get an Eliot quote on a cricket forum.

There have been lots of ducks in the County Championship this round ... Bell got c+b for a golden, and there was a first over hat-trick taken by Ball; ducks everywhere really.

So I went looking for famous duck threads, especially mynah's 'duck season', but found this instead.

... and Rory Kleinveldt has been at it as well. More ducks than a Chris Martin highlights package.