Are you Mr Perfect?

Here are the 30 you must tick to be Mr Perfect!

THE PERFECT MAN CHECK-LIST

* 6ft tall
* Muscly, toned and athletic
* Brown eyes
* Short, dark hair
* Smart dress sense
* Stylish
* A beer or lager drinker
* A non-smoker
* Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper
* Gets ready in 17 minutes
* Earns around £48,000 a year
* Wants a family
* Loves shopping
* Eats meat
* Watches soaps
* Clean-shaven
* Smooth-chested
* Enjoys watching football
* Drives an Audi
* Educated to degree level
* Earns more than you
* Jokes around and has a laugh
* Sensitive when you are upset
* Tells you he loves you only when he means it
* Admits it when he looks at other women
* Holds a driving licence
* Can swim
* Can ride a bike
* Can change a tyre
* Rings his mother regularly
* Loves mayonnaise

Perfect men don't have the need to do quizzes.

how many points off for 'hates shopping' and serious mayonnaise meh?

Demelza wrote:Here are the 30 you must tick to be Mr Perfect!

THE PERFECT MAN CHECK-LIST

* 6ft tall - Exactly? I'm taller.
* Muscly, toned and athletic - Oh, f*ck off. The world isn't some shite American high-school TV melodrama where all the teenagers are 30 year old body builders.
* Brown eyes - Just the one. Blue-grey elsewhere.
* Short, dark hair - Needs a cut, browny-blonde.
* Smart dress sense - My dress sense has an IQ of 195.
* Stylish - But of course.
* A beer or lager drinker - Why? Wouldn't the perfect man be a teetotaler who could drive you home after a booze up?
* A non-smoker - Check. I think at this stage I'm winning.
* Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper - All the time? What about in bed? Swimming? Shirt and jumper on a hot summer's day? So many questions.
* Gets ready in 17 minutes - If he sleeps in his jeans, shirt and jumper he wakes up ready.
* Earns around £48,000 a year - Yes. As a prostitute.
* Wants a family - I've been eyeing up the neighbours kids for years.
* Loves shopping - Online.
* Eats meat - Because you have a dick?
* Watches soaps - Because he has mental age of seven?
* Clean-shaven - Changeable.
* Smooth-chested - Nipples are a bit bumpy. Can they be removed?
* Enjoys watching football - All soap opera loving, chest waxing, shopaholics enjoy watching virile young men run around in their tiny shorts.
* Drives an Audi - I'm quite decent at Mario Kart.
* Educated to degree level - I'm quite decent at Mario Kart.
* Earns more than you - More than who? Me? Your ideal man needs to earn more than me? I feel a bit singled out.
* Jokes around and has a laugh - I'm particularly good value at funerals.
* Sensitive when you are upset - I'm allergic to other people's tears.
* Tells you he loves you only when he means it - I have no problem sitting in silence.
* Admits it when he looks at other women - I clear my internet history regularly
* Holds a driving licence - Does it have to be my own?
* Can swim - Yes. Width and length badges sewn onto my trunks. And one for rescuing a brick. It wasn't grateful. Possible suicide attempt?
* Can ride a bike - Who can't ride a bike?
* Can change a tyre - First, it has to want to change.
* Rings his mother regularly - Do booty calls count?
* Loves mayonnaise - Not on its own.

Call off the search.

No. No I'm not....

lardbucket wrote:how many points off for 'hates shopping' and serious mayonnaise meh?

Actually I heard them do this on the radio earlier today. Mayonnaise wasn't mentioned.

Haaa shit Dello, you've 'done a number' there

Brass Monkey wrote: Haaa shit Dello, you've 'done a number' there

That was the game killer.

Brass Monkey wrote:

No. No I'm not....

"Short, dark hair."

He was so close otherwise. Especially the stylish dress sense. What a belt - way to accessorise.

Hunter from Gladiators, maybe.

I'm sorry, but the cliched V-neck, shirt and smart jeans makes me want to rip out my urethra from the inside outwards with its whole cheesy nice-boy mincer f*ckwaddishness, the waxed thing can suck me off... the whole thing is a f*cking disgrace and actually puts the entire female race down. Entire. F*ckem.

THE PERFECT WOMAN CHECK-LIST

* Looks like a supermodel
* Doesn't talk
* Cooks and cleans

Is this your own personal list, Dem? Let's see how I fare:

THE PERFECT MAN CHECK-LIST

* 6ft tall - yes

* Muscly, toned and athletic - muscular, yes, toned and athletic? You cannot be muscular, toned and athletic. Tone is muscle. There is no magic 'tone'. Tone is a word women use to mean 'I want to look less fat'. Athletic is skinny muscular. So please stop using these tautologies. What is meant is a guy who has some muscle, but not lots. Skinny muscular is the look women like. Which basically means not all that muscular. But girls are too stupid to realise that they're stupid because they know nothing about weight-lifting, diet, or anything else related to masculinity and testosteroney stuff. And I'll tell you something. 95% of those guys with that athletic muscular skinny look are on steroids. Is that alright?

* Brown eyes - mine are a beautiful dappled shade of browny hazel

* Short, dark hair - nope, I have real hair. Blonde.

* Smart dress sense - nope, I'm a scruff

* Stylish - same thing, no? Stupid women. 29 things, then.

* A beer or lager drinker - will you still like my loutish, beer and lager drinking ways when I come home at 11pm, late from work, stinking of piss and beer, ready to beat you black and blue and vomit all over your clothes? What woman wrote this? A sixteen year-old?

* A non-smoker - well, yeah

* Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper - we've done dress sense. That's 28.

* Gets ready in 17 minutes - Takes me 17 minutes, 12 seconds. Sorry.

* Earns around £48,000 a year - nope.

* Wants a family - Our penises tell us to start a family from the moment they get their first pube. If you mean you want us to be hard-wired in the brain to be soppy fathers then nope, sorry.

* Loves shopping - hmmph

* Eats meat - yeah, meat is good.

* Watches soaps -

* Clean-shaven - F*CK YOU! F*CK YOU WITH A BIG STICK! MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MASCULINE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN LIST. NO MAN IS RAISED WITH A FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BABY'S ARSE. NATURE MADE MAN WITH BIG MASCULINE FACIAL HAIR. A MAN IS NOT A F*CKING MAN IF HE DOESN'T HAVE REAL MASCULINE FEATURES. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. WHO MADE THIS LIST? WHO MADE THIS F*CKING LIST? I HOPE THEY DIE. I HOPE WHEN THEY DIE, THEY ARE RAPED REPEATEDLY BY A GROUP OF SEXUALLY DISTURBED HORSES. I HOPE WHEN THOSE HORSES ARE DONE, THEY SHOW THEM BITCHES WHAT A REAL MAN LOOKS LIKE. A REAL MAN HAS A BEARD.

* Smooth-chested - did a group of female paedophiles write this? They seem to like their men ... ahem, boys ... to be a little smooth in all the masculine areas. Fancy getting yourselves on a pube free penis, eh? Want to get downstairs and play the down and dirty with the naughty boys?

I have a smooth-ish chest, yeah. Don't think I want these womens touching it, tho.

* Enjoys watching football - well, f*ck's sake. Who doesn't? Tw@t.

* Drives an Audi - sorry, just the porsche and the aston martin.

* Educated to degree level - nope.

* Earns more than you - depends who this idiot is. I somehow doubt I earn more than the sophisticated paedo mega-woman who can devise the perfect man, so nope.

* Jokes around and has a laugh - I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. My sense of humour was raped repeatedly by this list.

* Sensitive when you are upset - I am sensitive, yeah. Sensitive and emotionally unstable - like all men who are sensitive. And, like all men who are sensitive, I'm bisexual. Is that alright?

* Tells you he loves you only when he means it - I love you, Dem. Is that okay?

* Admits it when he looks at other women - sure.

* Holds a driving licence - yep.

* Can swim - nope.

* Can ride a bike - why, is this practice for sex? It's a yes, anyway.

* Can change a tyre - nope.

* Rings his mother regularly - ah, more homosexual traits. It's a no from me.

* Loves mayonnaise - why, to practice for semen? Seems like another bit of homosexuality in the ol' perfect man traits, here. Seems to me you're looking for a bisexual cyborg.

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I'm bisexual. Is that alright?

Top top post Chiv.

With the part I've quoted, worked yourself out in the last month-odd?

Brass Monkey wrote:

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I'm bisexual. Is that alright?

Top top post Chiv.

With the part I've quoted, worked yourself out in the last month-odd?

Pretty sure I mentioned a long time back that I'm bi. It's always been a bit confusing so I doubt I've worked it out. I just like a bit of everything. Boobs are my absolute favourite. I certainly prefer women to men. People think you're equally attracted to both sexes when you're bisexual, but that's just not true. Some days I'm only attracted to one, some days to neither. Sometimes I feel asexual. It's strange. When I was eighteen I was 100% hetero though. How odd is that? That would mean that sometime, it's possible I could become 100% hetero - or homo - again. Strange. I doubt it though. Once you realise you're attracted to something, I don't think you ever grow out of it. Sexuality is weird. I don't like it. I preferred being 100% hetero.

Sexuality is weird, I'm not sure a person can ever clearly work theirs out properly. Unless you like totally everything. Which goes back to the weird thing. I suppose being a total hetero or homo is a bit more clear cut.... no confusion in boundaries or appetites. Bisexuality is sort of befuddling in its nature.

I'm sure we all feel asexual at times as well...

I thought Chiv was doing a PhD.

Must be thinking of someone else.

I think this List was brought to you by the same people who saw Game of Thrones

Chivalry Augustus wrote:Is this your own personal list, Dem? Let's see how I fare:

THE PERFECT MAN CHECK-LIST

* 6ft tall - yes

* Muscly, toned and athletic - muscular, yes, toned and athletic? You cannot be muscular, toned and athletic. Tone is muscle. There is no magic 'tone'. Tone is a word women use to mean 'I want to look less fat'. Athletic is skinny muscular. So please stop using these tautologies. What is meant is a guy who has some muscle, but not lots. Skinny muscular is the look women like. Which basically means not all that muscular. But girls are too stupid to realise that they're stupid because they know nothing about weight-lifting, diet, or anything else related to masculinity and testosteroney stuff. And I'll tell you something. 95% of those guys with that athletic muscular skinny look are on steroids. Is that alright?

* Brown eyes - mine are a beautiful dappled shade of browny hazel

* Short, dark hair - nope, I have real hair. Blonde.

* Smart dress sense - nope, I'm a scruff

* Stylish - same thing, no? Stupid women. 29 things, then.

* A beer or lager drinker - will you still like my loutish, beer and lager drinking ways when I come home at 11pm, late from work, stinking of piss and beer, ready to beat you black and blue and vomit all over your clothes? What woman wrote this? A sixteen year-old?

* A non-smoker - well, yeah

* Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper - we've done dress sense. That's 28.

* Gets ready in 17 minutes - Takes me 17 minutes, 12 seconds. Sorry.

* Earns around £48,000 a year - nope.

* Wants a family - Our penises tell us to start a family from the moment they get their first pube. If you mean you want us to be hard-wired in the brain to be soppy fathers then nope, sorry.

* Loves shopping - hmmph

* Eats meat - yeah, meat is good.

* Watches soaps -

* Clean-shaven - F*CK YOU! F*CK YOU WITH A BIG STICK! MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MASCULINE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN LIST. NO MAN IS RAISED WITH A FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BABY'S ARSE. NATURE MADE MAN WITH BIG MASCULINE FACIAL HAIR. A MAN IS NOT A F*CKING MAN IF HE DOESN'T HAVE REAL MASCULINE FEATURES. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. WHO MADE THIS LIST? WHO MADE THIS F*CKING LIST? I HOPE THEY DIE. I HOPE WHEN THEY DIE, THEY ARE RAPED REPEATEDLY BY A GROUP OF SEXUALLY DISTURBED HORSES. I HOPE WHEN THOSE HORSES ARE DONE, THEY SHOW THEM BITCHES WHAT A REAL MAN LOOKS LIKE. A REAL MAN HAS A BEARD.

* Smooth-chested - did a group of female paedophiles write this? They seem to like their men ... ahem, boys ... to be a little smooth in all the masculine areas. Fancy getting yourselves on a pube free penis, eh? Want to get downstairs and play the down and dirty with the naughty boys?

I have a smooth-ish chest, yeah. Don't think I want these womens touching it, tho.

* Enjoys watching football - well, f*ck's sake. Who doesn't? Tw@t.

* Drives an Audi - sorry, just the porsche and the aston martin.

* Educated to degree level - nope.

* Earns more than you - depends who this idiot is. I somehow doubt I earn more than the sophisticated paedo mega-woman who can devise the perfect man, so nope.

* Jokes around and has a laugh - I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. My sense of humour was raped repeatedly by this list.

* Sensitive when you are upset - I am sensitive, yeah. Sensitive and emotionally unstable - like all men who are sensitive. And, like all men who are sensitive, I'm bisexual. Is that alright?

* Tells you he loves you only when he means it - I love you, Dem. Is that okay?

* Admits it when he looks at other women - sure.

* Holds a driving licence - yep.

* Can swim - nope.

* Can ride a bike - why, is this practice for sex? It's a yes, anyway.

* Can change a tyre - nope.

* Rings his mother regularly - ah, more homosexual traits. It's a no from me.

* Loves mayonnaise - why, to practice for semen? Seems like another bit of homosexuality in the ol' perfect man traits, here. Seems to me you're looking for a bisexual cyborg.

Heh, up to the normal Chiv Gus grouse standard.

Paul Keating wrote:I thought Chiv was doing a PhD.

Must be thinking of someone else.

I think he was talking about offering Doctorates in his Philosophy

No, Chiv. It's not my own personal list. It was in the news yesterday. Ok, I may have added the mayonnaise one. I think one of the major points would be that when you pinch some of the "perfect man's" chips, he doesn't ask, "why didn't you order some?" Very important, that one

Demelza wrote:No, Chiv. It's not my own personal list. It was in the news yesterday. Ok, I may have added the mayonnaise one. I think one of the major points would be that when you pinch some of the "perfect man's" chips, he doesn't ask, "why didn't you order some?" Very important, that one

why would you want to pinch a Queenslander?

The One wrote:THE PERFECT WOMAN CHECK-LIST

* Looks like a supermodel
* Doesn't talk
* Cooks and cleans

all utterly useless if they are intolerant of cricket, football, and fecking

Quality thread.

lardbucket wrote:

The One wrote:THE PERFECT WOMAN CHECK-LIST

* Looks like a supermodel
* Doesn't talk
* Cooks and cleans

all utterly useless if they are intolerant of cricket, football, and fecking

What if you are tolerant of cricket, football and fecking but don't look like supermodel, talk and have an aversion to cleaning?