South Africa v England, 1st Test, Centurion, 26-30 December, 2019

Start the car, it will be over by tea.

For a moment I thought they said SA had called up Kevin Pietersen to replace Markram Turned out to be this guy, though... KP

(I think the original KP probably would be re-qualified for the Yarps by now, were he still playing...)

They’ve called up a Malan, as well... has to be nicknamed “Inter”.

And with the new ball two deliveries old, Bairstow gets over-excited after despatching a leg stump half-volley, and prods a wide one to gully. I think he’s faced his last red ball in England colours for some time.

JB really is as loose as a goose.

Nokia gets Captain COARIAB, now it really is game over.

No idea what COARIAB stands for but Root falls short of the half ton.

Nortje has consistently bowled with raw pace.

Red wrote:No idea what COARIAB stands for but Root falls short of the half ton.

See the glossary, an old acronym containing the word “root” in the Aussie sense, and a fitting description for the England skipper’s captaincy...

Extra half hour territory here. Jimmy has a good case for batting at 9 in this side.

beamer wrote:Start the car, it will be over by tea.

Prescient.

Surprised how England fell in a heap.

New ball certainly expedited matters.

Well, it was always going to be Stokes or bust, really.

This much celebrated middle order always has the issue that if one wicket falls, the rest tend to follow like dominoes. They can sometimes shift momentum a bit when we’re f*ck-all-for-4 as is often the case, but it doesn’t justify places in the side long term. Buttler has one century in 38 Tests, Bairstow’s barely made a run in two years in this format. And with three genuine rabbits at the end, they’re really exposed.

A better effort from the top order at least, they do need to turn 50s into big scores but at least it wasn’t the usual 50-4 and we have square pegs in square holes up there. But there’s a lot of issues and few obvious solutions.

Denly and Burns batted well in the second dig. Root's captaincy is under fire.

How long has Jimmy got left?

SA were better than England in all departments. And I do wish that the commentators would stop banging on about Headingley. It happened but ain't happening again.

Well, it did show that anything is chaseable, it only takes a couple of partnerships. It’s not like the old days of crumbling fifth day pitches, or even matches going five days at all. Bat sensibly and you can get 300 on most pitches, whether it’s day one or day four. Too many teams blame the “batting last” fallacy.

excellent win for the locals. England's frailties were well exposed

At 4-222 with Root looking solid I thought the Poms may give this one a go, but Rabada and Nortje had other ideas.

beamer wrote:Well, it was always going to be Stokes or bust, really.

This much celebrated middle order always has the issue that if one wicket falls, the rest tend to follow like dominoes. They can sometimes shift momentum a bit when we’re f*ck-all-for-4 as is often the case, but it doesn’t justify places in the side long term. Buttler has one century in 38 Tests, Bairstow’s barely made a run in two years in this format. And with three genuine rabbits at the end, they’re really exposed.

A better effort from the top order at least, they do need to turn 50s into big scores but at least it wasn’t the usual 50-4 and we have square pegs in square holes up there. But there’s a lot of issues and few obvious solutions.

Agree, and add some careless batting and flawed techniques into the equation and there is an explanation for why teams rarely chase totals down. Pitches hold up better than they ever did.

Well, let's take the positives for England.

Pope might be fit again for the Second Test.

And England have three spinners available.



England selectors have boxed themselves in a bit. With the two veterans back (both Number 11s or 12s in batting terms, and one at least not pulling much weight with the ball either - albeit two dropped catches), with a strike bowler added to them (a #9 or #10) who is supposed to be limited to four-over spells (,,, and if they don't work ..?), plus an all-rounder who appears needed primarily as a batsman, and so a second all-rounder, who seems about the most effective quick(ish) at the mo, but which forces them to omit any specialist spinner who is hardly more than Number 9s - sorry, Jack - and a former ace batsman (and keeper) who appears to have lost his way altogether at the moment, an opener who is at least making some scores but the other one still to make a significant score .... the long tail of the less than overwhelming bowlers is even more exposed when the top 5, 6 are not really striking, either. Imbalance again.

Obviously Pope has to return if he can stand, replacing the hapless Jonny. But is it time to start thinking of .... dropping Jimmy? It still seems a heresy, I know - but I guess the end can't be far off. And where else are they going to accommodate a spinner?

Or are they going to "Henry V" the same lot, tan their hides and send them all out again in Cape Town? ("Not thee, Jonny ...").

Not to mention the captaincy ...

On the other hand, I suppose if they can start eating more wisely, with better precautions (I hope it doesn't get to Jack Russell levels of filling the baggage allowance with cans of baked beans, etc), that might immediately restore a bit of intestinal fortitude, and stop them producing so much shit (so to speak) the next time round?


A word on the food poisoning though. Juliet Barker's account of "Agincourt" points out that the ranks of Hanry's archers were stricken with dysentery on the way to the battle. Such that they marched, or trudged, often with their arses out.

Now: far be it from me to depict cricket as warfare. But one thing stands out, with due consideration for the poor sods depositing regularly into toilets in the last week or so.

It would be a good start in repairing (honest, not imaginary) PR if the England set-up could talk, instead of "moving the brand forward", etc. - and of "mysterious flu-like symptoms" - in terms of several players being struck down with the shits. Okay, "diarrhoea", "likely food poisoning" or something milder of that sort, something conventional but unambiguous. A bit of candour, instead of mealy-mouthing it as if their careers depended on it, and as if they regarded the public as fools.


Oh, and well played South Africa! Outplayed the visitors in almost every department (bar perhaps one half-decent opener).