The best email ever

Some of you may have seen it but......

"VAGINITIS" QUERIES IN THE FEMINA MAGAZINE ...

These letters came in response to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people whose first (or second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural existence.

Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them.
The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious:

1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis.

2. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell. I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable.

3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.

4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.

5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex? My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bedtime.

6. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable. I tried Dettol, Omo (a washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy.

7. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during
intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.

8. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with Virginial infractions? Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do?

9. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch. I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me?

10. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant. The first time noticed vaginal infection was in your advert. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written.

11. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection. I stopped having sexual
intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I have never told anyone about
my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.

12. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older and please reply as soon as
it is convenient for me. I have pain during sex and also during intercourse. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork?

13. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener, now I am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.

14. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my promised one. She urges me so help me to help her. My new address is (address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address. Can I get vaginal infection without prescription?

15. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.

16. I have re-organised my virginia recently. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis?

17. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.

18. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot tell my mother about it: she has no vagina. The last time I looked for my vaginitis I could not find it anywhere.

19. My vagina was discharged recently.

20. My vagina is deceased.

21. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly. But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.

22. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.
Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins.

23. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure? Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this
infection quickly. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex. Also my eyes and kids
are itchy. I better stop looking at them. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That's pretty mental and funny.

Do kids visit our forum?

Yes, they are called Laura and Trevor.

Batman wrote:Do kids visit our forum?

This is mild compared to the usual daily conversations.

Best of the lot:


11. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection. I stopped having sexual
intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I have never told anyone about
my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.

Ahhh im in pain from laughter. one of the funniest things ive read

Not bad, I suppose.

20. My vagina is deceased.

So I named it Henry.

Zat wrote:

20. My vagina is deceased.

So I named it Henry.

My woman from Tokyo

Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity

I dug this out so you could post it on the forum and get all the kudos?? Goddam bloody men!!

freddled gruntbuggly wrote:I dug this out so you could post it on the forum and get all the kudos?? Goddam bloody men!!

You know perfectly well why I asked you, and then this seemed like a good idea.

Look, if I want to have a tanty I will, and never mind the bloody details.

Look, if I want to have a tanty I will, and never mind the bloody details.

There seems to be a male/female divide on this issue.

FWIW: Though not technically an e-mail, I thought bliks' post mor thought-provoking, if marginally less hilarious linguistically speakin.

freddled gruntbuggly wrote:Look, if I want to have a tanty I will, and never mind the bloody details.

Typical woman. Never let the acts get in the way

Why is the internet like a vagina?
The more people use it the bigger it gets.

I thought that was "enema".