Cricketers you dislike and ways you'd like to kill them

Dear Flaming Bails,

Since I was very young, I have disliked this cricketer called Daniel Vettori. Certain individuals have jokingly nicknamed him Harry Potter, but I have to say that in lack of any particular magic in his performances, this cricketer, if he was Harry Potter, would wave his wand limply about then ask everybody to close their eyes whilst he runs around smashing things up pretending he has done magic. It is not that I bear a grudge against this individual, I simply dislike something about his appearance, and the way he regurgitates the beautiful English language. He is an honest cricketer and I dislike honest cricketers, they spend their lives bumbling around accumulating presentable figures, without ever ascending either to genuine hero status or simply cult hero status, something easily attained either by being comical or by sticking the middle finger up at a much-hated opposing captain and calling him a wanky qunt badger who has had sexual relations with the rest of his team mates.

Unfortunately for Daniel Vettori, he has done no such thing to ascend into my favourites drawer and has recently become a target of my hatred. As a consequence I must regrettably inform the Bails that I have lately been dreaming up elaborate ways to kill him. I think that most of all I would like to pull the glasses of his face, break them in half and then gouge each of his eyes out until he agreed to stop looking like Daniel Jackson off Stargate. Instead he should become a cricketer with a rogue streak by getting a huge dragon tattoo on both arms, a nice flame red stripe in his hair, and a new pair of glasses featuring naked ladies daubed across the rim. Should these demands not be met I must reluctantly pursue my fantasy with all earnestness.

Thank you for your time.

Glen McGrath. In a big mincer.

Dominic Cork - being forced to listen to the sound of his own voice.

JKLever wrote:Glen McGrath. Is a big mincer.

Fixed.

Ashley Giles - by shoving his permanently donned sunglasses up his rectum and hoping that both glass lens' later shatter into a million fragments.

Seconded on the King of Spain.

Graham Smith has a face like a shark and should be netted, gaffed aboard and then turned into that stuff they use to catch more of them - chummy is it?

He's actually one of the more likable members of that team.

Matthew Hayden with a melon scoop.

Ponting.

Should be made to drown in his own spit.

cyderspace wrote:Graham Smith has a face like a shark and should be netted, gaffed aboard and then turned into that stuff they use to catch more of them - chummy is it?

He's actually one of the more likable members of that team.

Nice tits Red.

Actually I knew it wasn't Red cos of the misspelling

philcric wrote:Ponting.

Should be made to drown in his own spit.

Or gag on his bitten fingernails!

Hodge - suffocated by his own mother

Sourav Ganguly, drowning in his own snoot.

Kevin Pietersen - choked on a mirkin

Shane Watson. In the study. With the lead pipe. Battered.

Watto should be forced to sit in an abandoned firehouse looking at naked posters of Gabba Dan and skully until he dies of laughter . . .

He doesn't derserve that you sicko

Burning an effigy of SRT in his hometown and then wheeling out the real thing and hacking him to death with cricket bats and stoning him with a red duke.

I think I may need to work harder at staying in all of your good books' :| .

Sreesanth and Harbhajan.

Can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, by locking them in a cell with nothing to eat. Not sure if they are vegetarian though.

lardbucket wrote:Hodge - suffocated by his own mother

He would probably die with a smile on his face.

He's victorian not tasmanian

vilkrang wrote:I think I may need to work harder at staying in all of your good books' .

I'd put you in a sealed room with nothing but the complete forumming history of horace and a gun.

But count yourself lucky, Shoey wouldn't get the gun.

I am honoured .

Ah, Gussy. You do come up with classic threads. Well played.

I'll go for Salim Malik, who I'd kill with 1000 rat-traps.

The death of the 1000 cuts, eh?