Druggies and their excuses

by bodyline Mon 09 Jul 2012, 07:00

These go down with the classics:

I'll still love you (respect you) in the morning
I promise - it tastes like ice-cream; and
I'm from the Tax Department and I'm here to help

Sorry - from news.com.au

OVERNIGHT, a series of completely baseless smears emerged against British cyclist Bradley Wiggins, who currently leads the Tour de France.

The 32-year-old responded with one of the all-time great rants, laced with language which would make even a Frenchman blush.

So where does the Wiggins tirade stand in the pantheon of sporting drug denials? Absolutely smack bang right at the top, that's where. Especially when you stack him up against some of the people whose denials were infinitely harder to believe. Like these losers...

The athlete: 2012 Tour de France leader BRADLEY WIGGINS, who to the best of anyone's knowledge has never taken anything more insidious than a Vitamin C tablet.
The denial: "They're just f--king w--kers.... It justifies their own bone-idleness because they can't ever imagine applying themselves to do anything in their lives. It's easy for them to sit under a pseudonym on Twitter and write that sort of s**t, rather than get off their a***s in their own lives and apply themselves and work hard at something and achieve something. "And that's ultimately it. C***s."

We say: Thank you Chris. You are our new hero. (We're still cheering for Cadel, though.)
Creativity: 10 out of 10
Believability: 10 out of 10

The athlete: French tennis player RICHARD GASQUET, who tested positive for cocaine, then was later cleared of any wrongdoing.
The denial: "I was making out with a woman in a club and she had cocaine in her mouth."
We say: So then Richard, you got off in every sense of the word.
Creativity: 7 out of 10
Believability: 9 out of 10

The athlete: Sprinter LASHAWN MERRITT, who won 400m gold in Beijing but was suspended in 2010 for doping after, ahem, trying to boost his trouser performance.
The denial: "I took a male enhancement product".
We say: Actually, we're inclined to believe you, LaShawn. The line between a clean athlete and a dirty one really is a game of inches, isn't it?
Creativity: 6 out of 10
Believability: 8 out of 10

The athlete: Aussie sprinter DEAN CAPOBIANCO, who in 1996 tested positive to steroids.
The denial: "I ate too much contaminated red meat".
We say: Ah-hah, the old Alberto Contador excuse. Can't these people just order the chicken?
Creativity: 5 out of 10
Believability: 6 out of 10

The athlete: Aussie soccer goalie MARK BOSNICH, who tested positive to cocaine in 2002
The denial: "A woman in a London nightclub spiked my drink".
We say: Sure Mark, and the ghost of Adolf Hitler made you do the Nazi salute to the Tottenham fans that time.
Creativity: 5 out of 10
Believability: 4 out of 10

The athlete: BARRY BONDS, who holds Major League Baseball's all-time home run record. His record is majorly tainted due to his admission he "unknowingly" used steroids.
The denial: "My personal trainer gave me flaxseed oil".
We say: Sure Barry, and that oil alone helped you hit balls into orbit around Jupiter.
Creativity: 4 out of 10
Believability: 2 out of 10

The athlete: SHANE WARNE, who is currently modelling as Liz Hurley's handbag and who once was kicked off the Australian One Day team for testing positive to a banned diuretic
The denial: "My Mum gave it to me".
We say: "The thing is, it's actually quite conceivable that Shane Warne's Mum completely runs his life.
Creativity: 6 out of 10
Believability: 1 out of 10

The athlete(s): The NORTH KOREAN WOMEN'S SOCCER TEAM who tested positive for steroids at the 2011 Women's World Cup in Germany
The denial: "We used steroids to recover from a lightning strike."
We say: Funny how steroid use often strikes twice in the same place.
Creativity: 10 out of 10
Believability: 0 out of 10