The Friday Funny

Thought for the Day


A man was driving down a road.

A woman was driving up the same road. In the opposite direction.


As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her window and yells out, "P I G !"

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells back, " B I T C H !"


The man rounds the next curve, smacks into a huge pig standing in the middle of the road. And dies horribly.



Thought For The Day :

If only men would listen for once.

Sean Connery was interviewed on a chatshow, and bragged that despite his 70-odd years of age, he could still have great sex three times a night.

Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, you've got to hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you've got to hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"

Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallit."

One day a farmer caught a travelling salesman making love to his daughter.

Yelling "You son of a betch!" he took a 12-gauge shotgun and filled the amorous salesman's groin with lead.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's best friend and told him that nothing could be done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'll pay you anything you like."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might just be able to help."

"Oh? Is he a reconstruction specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without p:ssing in your face."

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . . .

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife, and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and the flatulence continued unabated. Then, one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
'Go forth and seek, and further up you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss out on a great opportunity.

Jontyh wrote:This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife, and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and the flatulence continued unabated. Then, one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

That's really good Jonty. Nothing beats a good dose of toilet humour

One day, an Englishman walked into an antiques shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat. The sculpture is so intriguing he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, Sir," the shopkeeper tells him. "And a hundred pounds for the story that goes with it".

"I'll take the cat," says the man. "But you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the Englishman leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more felines come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of moggies swarm from alleys, basements, empty houses, and abandoned cars.

Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but tens of thousands, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm whilst with the other he hurls the bronze cat into the River Thames. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they all promptly drown.

Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antiques shop.

"Ah," says the shopkeeper. "So you've come back for the story?"

"No," says the Englishman. "I was wondering if you have a bronze Aussie."

A complete change of perspective on Magic

Do not open at work perhaps - its not naughty but just being careful guys and gals.

A station manager was a bit worried because one of his young stockman hadn't returned to the homestead after a long day fixing fences and stuff.

So as you do the station manager contacted him by radio and asked WTF he was and WTF he was doing.

The young stockman explained that he had hit a pig on the way home and couldn't extract it from the bullbar because it was kicking and squealing too much.

The station manager then explained that these things happened and the young stockman should just shoot the pig and when it was dead it would be easier to remove.

"No worries Boss it's sorted".

A couple of hours later there was still no sign of the stockman so the station manager hooked up with him again by radio and said "WTF are you and what's the delay?"

"Well I did as you suggested Boss and shot the pig but I still can't extract the flashing blue light from his motorbike from the bullbar".

Jontyh wrote:One day, an Englishman walked into an antiques shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat. The sculpture is so intriguing he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, Sir," the shopkeeper tells him. "And a hundred pounds for the story that goes with it".

"I'll take the cat," says the man. "But you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the Englishman leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more felines come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of moggies swarm from alleys, basements, empty houses, and abandoned cars.

Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but tens of thousands, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm whilst with the other he hurls the bronze cat into the River Thames. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they all promptly drown.

Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antiques shop.

"Ah," says the shopkeeper. "So you've come back for the story?"

"No," says the Englishman. "I was wondering if you have a bronze Aussie."

Edwardian humour . . . you've gotta love it . . .

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make: I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods - the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this farking hole."

A man walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, of which one is already occupied.
So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his trousers and sits down.

A voice comes from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
He thinks it's a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude replies, "Yeah, not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, he hears the voice again. "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again he answers, somewhat reluctantly, "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the third time. "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the stall next to me answering everything I say."

I know it's not Friday, but I'm not in work tomorrow, so I shall break my golden rule..

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate. "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asks the sailor incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate. "It was my first day with the hook"

This one is excellent! Funny with economical means.

Jontyh wrote:A man walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, of which one is already occupied.
So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his trousers and sits down.

A voice comes from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
He thinks it's a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude replies, "Yeah, not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, he hears the voice again. "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again he answers, somewhat reluctantly, "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the third time. "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the stall next to me answering everything I say."

holcs wrote:A complete change of perspective on Magic

Do not open at work perhaps - its not naughty but just being careful guys and gals.

Saw her act at New Year with La Clique - the alternative circus - in London.

Very funny. I almost enjoyed her Croydon Flamenco Blues more, though!

"The prize sheep".

A typical blonde - long hair, blue eyes - decided she just can't take it anymore. At work and in her spare time, she'd grown really tired of all the stupid blonde jokes, that she was gullible, easily exploited, shallow and stupid, sex being all she understands, etc.

So one night she dyed her hair black. She went into work the next day and didn't hear a single blond joke. The next day the same. That night, she went out on the town with a couple of friends, and not a single snigger there either. She was delighted, thinking she'll maybe never have to hear another blonde joke in her life. What a relief!

The next day, she was driving home, through the country, and saw a sheep crossing the road. She politely slowed to let it pass, and soon was surrounded by a whole herd of sheep, all crossing the road.

She watched them all, one by one, counting them all. After 20 minutes, they had finally finished crossing the road.

No sooner had they finished, than the first ones began to come back the same way. She waited, just watching all the sheep cross, one by one, and especially admiring those nice big frightening horny rams.

After twenty minutes, the shepherd finally appeared and waved to her, to thank her for being so patient.

"You've really got a lot of sheep there," she said cheerily.

"I know, it's very hard to keep track of them all," the shepherd says.

"Look, if I can guess how many sheep you have, could you give me one?" she asks, boldly, admiring the shepherd's sturdy build.

"Er, well, okay ...," he agrees, a little bit surprised, but then .... she was very nice, and anyway hadn't got a hope of guessing it correctly ..... "if you get it right, I'll definitely give you one."

"You have exactly 257 sheep."

The shepherd is stunned. But a deal is a deal, and she was so nice, so he tells her to go ahead, pick out her favourite sheep and it's hers.

Our heroine is a bit confused now, as she had been expecting to be sprawled across the bonnet of her car at this point.

But being quick-witted, she realises what the shepherd must have meant. She'd better take a sheep instead. "Do I have to take a blonde one?" - "No, any you like." After a think, she opens the back door of her car, picks up the sheep that looks nicest, heaves it on to the back seat, and shuts the door.

Still slightly embarrassed, and wondering what exactly she's going to do with the sheep, she gets back in the driver's seat and prepares to leave, but the shepherd knocks on her window.

She rolls the window down and he says, "Look, if I can guess what your natural hair colour is, could you give me my dog back?"

"Taking Care Of Grandpa"

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and after the nurses have seen I'm all right, that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

The most powerful man in the world is black.

The fastest man in the world is black.

The best driver in the worls is black

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.

,

.

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Michael Jackson is having second thoughts.

I got that as a text today!

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, andwhispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

But I thought you were a woman, Dem? :!: