The Friday Funny

Good old Martin and Marsha! They should be in more funnies.

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident when his car was hit by a lorry.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, when asked the question at the scene of the accident …'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client and I believe he is a fraud. Kindly instruct him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'Overruled ... I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. He looked at her, saw she was in terrible pain so he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Dead she was.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'So, how are you feeling?'

'Now what the fook would you have said?

How about this, I found a picture of Smerk!


Now on a completely unrelated matter...

A Welsh bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

the smerky family should become the butt of all our jokes . . .

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight honey."

Little Johnny

We all know him - the kid at the back of the class - arse hanging out of his kecks, head through arm-hole of his sweater, odd socks ... all round scrote who terrorises his teachers.

The class are doing English, and learning new words. Teacher says " Who can say a sentence using the word contagious? Mary puts her hand up, and teacher says go on ....

" My brother had flu last week, and mum made him stay in his room the whole time, explaining that it was contagious"

Well done Mary that's very good. Anyone else got an example? Little Johnny & Susan put hands up. "Go ahead Susan", says the teacher....

"My uncle has a farm, and he had all his animals killed when they got foot & mouth - as its one of the most contagious animal diseases known"

"Excellent" says teacher. She'd like to change the subject, but little Johnny's so excited to know an answer, she puts aside her misgivings and tells him to speak .....

"Well miss, the bloke next door is digging a fish pond in his garden ....

but he's only using a little trowel .......

....... me dad says it'll take the c*nt ages

Tony Blair is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor comes along and knocks him down dead, that would be a tragedy." No, says Tony, that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not explains Tony. That's what we would call a great loss.

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Blair searches the room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??.

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If an Air Force jet, carrying you & Mrs. Blair was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic, exclaims Tony that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.

"Well" says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Brilliant Growls ....


Why is it when your wife/partner becomes pregnant, all her female friends stoke her
tummy and excitedly say ... “congratulations"
Yet none of them ever consider stroking your d1ck and saying ... "well done".

After checking into his hotel room, a guest returns to the front desk and asks the receptionist "Is the P0rn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular p0rn you sick b*stard."

The Catholic priest in a small Irish village kept a rooster and ten hens in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He’d heard about illegal cock fights in the village, so during the mass just after his sermon, he questioned the congregation in church.. trying to keep things as simple as possible.
'Has anybody got a cock?' he asked.
All the men stood up.
'No, no, no' he cried … 'that wasn't what I meant.’ ‘Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no, no' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant either.
‘Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no bejeeezus, that wasn't what I meant.'
With a sigh, he tried one last time ‘Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest collapsed.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the manager 'I’ve a very large bullfrog that’s been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'Well. It’s not been proven but we have sold 30 of them this month,' the manager assured her

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and anyway, what if it were true...No more blow jobs for her … peace at last! She bought the frog and took it home, though when she explained the frog’s ability to her husband, he was naturally sceptical and laughed it off! ....

So the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform the less than riveting act (well, for her anyway!)again. In the middle of the night, she awoke to the sound of pots and pans flying around and making one hell of a racket.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What on earth are you two doing up at this hour?' she asked........

The husband looked up “I dunno how to put this, but ... errr, If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're history!”

Zat wrote:How about this, I found a picture of Smerk!


Now on a completely unrelated matter...

A Welsh bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Why do I walk into these?

merls, you bought yourself a book of half decent jokes at last?

Johnny is caught day-dreaming in English Grammar class. He just couldn’t take his eyes off the girl sitting next to him. Suddenly he hears his teacher calling his name:
“Johnny, which tense would I be using, if I said “I’m beautiful”?
Watching the bulge receding in his shorts, Johnny answers,
“Past tense, Miss”

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's really good at them.

"You should say no, Susie," says her mum. "They only want to look at your knickers."

"I know they do Mum," Susie replies, rolling her eyes.
"That's why I hide them in my bag."

( if probably dodgy these days )

Which recalls the old chestnut about what goes blonde, brown, blonde, brown, blonde ........

For gawd's sake give us another Scouser gag, jonty!

[img][/img]

"SOOOO ... is ANYONE here actually a sheep??"

[img][/img]