Letter to Mickey Arthur

Dear Mickey...
Article By: Dan Nicholl
Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:33
As rumours grow that Proteas coach Mickey Arthur has been offered in the region of £300 000 to join the South African expedition north and take up the England coaching job, Dan Nicholl writes an open letter imploring him to stay. Howzit Mickey, First up, well done on a great effort in Australia. Hope you got the braai tongs and the Kurt Darren CD I sent through — just a little South African thank you for orchestrating the series victory. Much appreciated. And don’t worry about the home loss; the final Test was a cracker, so all’s forgiven.
But I have to be honest, Mickey, I’m a little worried myself, what with all this talk of the English throwing piles of money at you to jump ship. Quite simply, Mickey, don’t go. There are the obvious reasons. Who’d iron Graeme’s whites if you left? Or give Jakes throw downs in the nets? Or help Hashim with his beard? Those are all important points, Mickey, but there’s more to it than that, and we’d all be gutted if you joined the rest of the refugees in Putney and Wimbledon.
And honestly, Mickey, I reckon you’d hate it over there. London’s a lot different to Kimberley, whatever the Poms might have told you. It rains all day, everyone complains about everything, and even if they are offering loads of money, their economy’s collapsing — the streets of Warsaw are full of English builders looking for work at the moment, and my mate Bob from Zimbabwe reckons the whole place is about to collapse. (And if anyone knows about countries collapsing, it’s Bob.) Speaking of Zimbabwe, Andy Flower’s coaching the team at the moment, which means he’s responsible for 43% of Zimbabwe’s GDP, so you’ll be killing off our neighbours if you put Andy out of a job.
But more than that, look at who you’d have to work with, Mickey. Kevin Pietersen? Complete nightmare. Andrew Flintoff? Makes Mfuneko Ngam look fit and healthy. Steve Harmison? Complete basket case. And just watch Monty Panesar appealing — one week in a hotel on tour with him, and you’d be licking windows and thinking you’re Napoleon.
Then there’s the English media, who’ll have you next in line for the throne, and guilty of treason, all in the same week. Believe me, the local papers are a breeze; couple of weeks with The Sun and The Mirror, and you’ll be crying out for The Witness and The Diamond Fields Advertiser. It’ll be a nightmare, Mickey, and the Kimberley paparazzi simply won’t have prepared you for the onslaught.
I know they’ve offered you almost as much for three years as JP will be making per innings in the IPL, and that you’ll be swanning from film premiere to nightclub opening, and shooting the breeze with Frank Lampard and Elton John. There’ll be models chasing after you, reality television shows dying to get you on board, Parkinson lining you up for an interview. But Test matches under Table Mountain, victories celebrated at Joe Kool’s, lazy afternoon braais with the team (even if Graeme does make you cook the meat)? Be honest, Mickey, you’ll miss them terribly.
But truthfully, Mickey, the real reason for staying is that the whole country wants you to stay. You might have had a fair few doubters after replacing that Jennings guy Graeme didn’t like, and it might have taken a while to bring everyone round, but we’ve come round, Mickey, and we realise just how well you’ve done. Gary Kirsten is flourishing with India, certainly, but there’s a reason England are flashing the cash: right now, you’re the best coach in international cricket, and that’s exactly why we want you to stay on board. It’s a big call to turn down that much money, but it’s the right one to make. England’s cold, wet and horrible, and you’d have to coach Pietersen. Stick with us, Mickey. Please. All the best, Dan

Saffie journo in wannabe Aussie pom bashing shocker?

Completely factually inaccurate of course... Parkinson's retired!

This is good though...

'Then there’s the English media, who’ll have you next in line for the throne, and guilty of treason, all in the same week.'

Speaking of Zimbabwe, Andy Flower’s coaching the team at the moment, which means he’s responsible for 43% of Zimbabwe’s GDP, so you’ll be killing off our neighbours if you put Andy out of a job.

That bit is true

Very funny piece - though I guess you have to be South African to appreciate some of the funnier references.

"Kimberley paparazzi"

embee wrote:

Speaking of Zimbabwe, Andy Flower’s coaching the team at the moment, which means he’s responsible for 43% of Zimbabwe’s GDP, so you’ll be killing off our neighbours if you put Andy out of a job.

That bit is true

As is the observation that Bob knows all about collapsing countries. And we all know he has his little obsession with Britain.

mynah wrote:Very funny piece - though I guess you have to be South African to appreciate some of the funnier references.

"Kimberley paparazzi"

Do tell Mynah....

I have rather strange memories of Kimberley... Will get them together and tell the story. Any way, its this place that has flamingoes, jacarandas and nothing much else.. Oh, yes, they have a really huge hole in the middle of the town, too.

JKLever wrote:

mynah wrote:Very funny piece - though I guess you have to be South African to appreciate some of the funnier references.

"Kimberley paparazzi"

Do tell Mynah....

I think you have to know Kimberley. Possibly Wagga Wagga might be a fair comparision.

mynah wrote:I have rather strange memories of Kimberley... Will get them together and tell the story. Any way, its this place that has flamingoes, jacarandas and nothing much else.. Oh, yes, they have a really huge hole in the middle of the town, too.

Sounds a bit like Kalgoorlie ...

Mount Isa . . . no, RD, not like that . . .

Reasonably amusing. Prefer his captain's diarys.