Justin Langer could be the next David Koresh

doremi wrote:Zim probably had wet dreams after reading the book.

Josh Carney wrote:Wonder why all Cult leaders / self proclaimed prophets invariably tend to be polygamists and in some cases child abusers as well.

Eric Air Emu wrote:I was frequenting a book shop the other day and was looking in the Religion section for a book on popes as you do and Justin Langer's face came bursting out at me in his quasi-religious self-help "be like Langer", "what would Langer do" manual: "Seeing the Sunrise":

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Seeing-Sunrise-Justin-Langer/dp/1741754038

It started with an introduction where Justin made two pages of single sentence statements of "what Justin Langer is" and I was genuinely afraid.

If this sort of cult leader tw*tishness is seen as acceptable by Australian cricket- f*ck me we've got to annihilate these walnut brained fanatics.

Justin Langer wrote:Secret location for dossier research, October 18th 2010

A few thoughts on the English Team, based on my own experience of playing in England, my own observations from my Test career but mainly some stuff that I overheard Steve Waugh saying on the golf course when I was caddying for him this morning.
The key to remember about your English cricketer is that he is, above all, English. Put another way, he is not Australian - with all that entails. Your classic English cricketer will not look you in the eye, has terrible body language, bad teeth and slightly small feet. He is vunerable to the short ball, feeds only at night, and would sell his mates down the river for a gin and tonic. He hates dogs, plays the viola and sent our ancestors to their death at Gallipoli while he sat reading poetry and twirling moustache. This team is full of that exact sort of Englishman.

To be more specific:

ANDREW STRAUSS: Solid Guy. Left-hander. Get him out caught or bowled. Look to get him out early.

ALASTAIR COOK: Solid left-hander. Guy. Look to get him out bowled, caught, leg before. Also run out or stumped. Possible candidate for handled the ball, timed out or obstructing the field. Look to get him out early.

JONATHAN TROTT: Confusing one. Possible pussy? But not English. Non-English pussy. Is this possible? More information needed: could be trap. Vulnerable to 95MPH leg-cutter on good length. Look to get him out early.

KEVIN PIETERSEN: Play on ego. Starve him of oxygen of publicity, like a terrorist. Can get unhappy when he is not happy.

PAUL COLLINGWOOD: Do not get him out early.

IAN BELL: Right-hander. Was NOT in American Pie movie franchise, despite rumours. Could be vulnerable to light-hearted on-field banter such as, "We're going to burn down your house and kill all your friends and family."

MATT PRIOR: Big mouth. Big pussy? Horny thought.

STUART BROAD: Head could go down if not winning, or if hit on head with cricket bat in ambush.

GRAEME SWANN: Morally suspect? Lure with honey trap? Or honey? Possibly vulnerable to attack from swarm of killer bees?

JIMMY ANDERSON: Bowler. Reformed pussy. Prefers winning to losing. Look to hit balls bowled by him, or block depending on situation.

STEVEN FINN: Tall. Look to bite on ankle?

Justin Langer wrote:Undercover report from Agent J (Invers, could you make sure you keep my name off this because I don't want to blow my cover for future espionage work. Thanks mate.)

Hi Mr Inverarity,

I've done a ripper little dossier for you on the state of Australian cricket. Basically the Poms are a bit ahead of us now, despite their high percentage of pussies but, as we all discussed in the last meeting, we can get to where we want to be if we learn from them. It took them 18 years to win back the Ashes and with hindsight, a lot of the groundwork for that 2005 win must have been laid in the 1990s. Maybe we should look at doing some of the things they were doing back in that era.

With that in mind, I reckon getting Graeme Hick to help the young blokes is a top move. Nobody has more experience of being unable to translate their domestic form to the international stage than Hicky. Of course, with most of our young blokes unsure of how to build an innings in Shield cricket (i.e. score any runs unless they're in their pyjamas and the stumps are lit up), you could say that we've got a headstart here. If our young batsmen can be taught not to carry their domestic form into the international stage then we could be onto something.

The selection of Chris Rogers also borrows a classic England trick and one that, although we didn't realise at the time, was setting a chain of events in motion that eventually lead to me our top order having to face an angry Steve Harmison at Lord's in 2005. Basically by selecting an old bloke out of the blue we are sending a clear message throughout the game at all levels: if you're good enough, you're old enough, or young enough, and basically nobody young enough is good enough. That's the sort of clear selection thinking we want to see.

Bringing in Brad Haddin as vice-skip could be a nice touch. The Poms showed how having a few different captains per series could really keep opponents on their toes back in the 1990s. If Pup's back goes, then Brad will be bloody proud to lead the Baggy Green. The fact he wasn't in the team until recently only shows what a bold move this is. Unlike a lot of these young fellers he looks like a proper fair-dinkum Aussie.

No way you're going to catch Brad "grooming" his "hairdo". He'll be too busy talking footy or eating a big bite of meat, like a proper Aussie competitor. We could be bold by trying a few other captains out as we go. Obviously if you've got any relatives who could give it a crack we could go for the full Cowdrey but bear in mind that the English had more experience of nepotism that we do. A more Aussie way might be to select the side based on who our mates are.

The inclusion of Watto is also a classic English move. A lot of people reckon that you can never have too many fake allrounders, but I for one reckon that Watto can shoulder the burden of not scoring any runs and chipping in with a few unremarkable overs here and there on his own. Once you add in our selection of breakable quick bowlers, we're partying like it's 1999 and we're the Poms getting stuffed by every nation on earth.

The playing staff may be in place but if we're really going to copy the 1990s Poms, we're going to need some confused, muddled and downright daft decisions from management. The homework thing was a brilliant start. If we can now just make a big deal of players wearing the right blazers, calling them by the wrong names and blaming defeats on their star signs, then we too could be looking at Ashes glory in only 18 short years' time.