New Zealand v England, 2nd Test, Christchurch, 30 March - 3 April, 2018

Will Sturat shine the ball with sandpaper to make England competitive?

No, he'll rub one side with litres of smegma, obtained from his sweatband.

Thank you lardy, that's an image I could surely have done without

With Australia reduced to 21/9 a few years back against RSA and England 31/9 vs the Sheep the other day, it is beginning to look like NZ's lowest score record of 26 really is in danger of falling in not too distant future.

Paul Keating wrote:With Australia reduced to 21/9 a few years back against RSA and England 31/9 vs the Sheep the other day, it is beginning to look like NZ's lowest score record of 26 really is in danger of falling in not too distant future.

And we’ve got Ireland and Afghanistan to come along shortly...

Anyway, this thread’s lagging somewhat behind the other Test due to start this week. I remember Skully pointing out that NZ-Eng was outposting SA-Aus before the previous ones started

Oh yeah, the match. Hope they give Livingstone and Leach a game, otherwise why bother flying them out there?

Last test for Cook?

Assuming he holds his spot.

I don’t think we’ve taken a backup opener. Can’t see Root fancying the job.

beamer wrote:I don’t think we’ve taken a backup opener. Can’t see Root fancying the job.

Malan started his career opening with relative competence. I imagine if one of the openers pulled up lame at the last minute, he'd be the alternative.

Anyway, we're not going to drop Cook, regardless of how shite he now frequently is. Every other opener we've tried in the last six years has been found desperately wanting - Stoneman is heading the same way; even if he actually makes a meaningful contribution in this Test, there's no long term future in an opener who can't play the short ball at all.

Maybe batting with Cook is part of the difficulty for the revolving door of partners he’s had since Strauss retired. Not anything personality-wise, but just the pressure of going in alongside someone with 10,000 Test runs to his name and knowing you’re the one with your head on the block if you fail.

If we find ourselves throwing two new openers in together at some point, it might lead to a more relaxed, “we’re both in the same boat” approach, and possibly a long-term pairing. Australia might find that happens with Burns and Renshaw.

beamer wrote:Maybe batting with Cook is part of the difficulty for the revolving door of partners he’s had since Strauss retired. Not anything personality-wise, but just the pressure of going in alongside someone with 10,000 Test runs to his name and knowing you’re the one with your head on the block if you fail.

If we find ourselves throwing two new openers in together at some point, it might lead to a more relaxed, “we’re both in the same boat” approach, and possibly a long-term pairing. Australia might find that happens with Burns and Renshaw.

I think Cook might jack in the cricket soon enough. I can't imagine he's got many goals left to reach - at some point he's going to question why he's still bothering to put himself through all of this nonsense.

Given the other match will be one sided, I am looking forward to this match. Pomgolia showed a bit of fight in their second dig and will enter this Test with some spirit, if not confidence.

Moeen and Woakes dropped, so either Leach debuts or we don’t play a spinner. Wood also likely to come in, and possibly Vince.

beamer wrote:Moeen and Woakes dropped, so either Leach debuts or we don’t play a spinner. Wood also likely to come in, and possibly Vince.

Squad :-

Joe Root (c), James Anderson, Jonny Bairstow (w), Stuart Broad, Alastair Cook, Jack Leach, Dawid Malan, Craig Overton, Ben Stokes, Mark Stoneman, James Vince, Mark Wood.

No Livingstone ? That makes no sense at all. The form Moeen has been in all winter with both bat and ball, Livingstone couldn't do a worse job in either discipline. Will Wood still be fit by tea on day 3? Jack Leach will promote Jimmy to No 10 in the batting line-up (could be important considering our top order efforts all winter ) If James Vince plays, will he make 20 or 30 before treating the slips to a regulation catch ?

Frankly, I expect to see another hiding.

Livingstone's just a shit Alex Hales. Bats like a wanker - much like all our up-and-coming batsmen.

We'll probably play four seamers and no spinner. Spin hasn't troubled the scorers on this ground in Tests to date.

Glad they've finally decided to make a couple of players accountable for their prolonged under-performance. Woakes has got nothing in his bowling armoury outside of England, and Moeen has been utterly pathetic all winter. It's only a shame they couldn't make seven or eight changes.

It's not going to make any difference. Predicting a weather-affected draw, with NZ in the ascendancy.

With any luck, half the England squad and staff will get caught on camera rubbing their testicles across sandpaper in a typically inept attempt at copying Australia, and will all be sacked for their thick incompetence - the bungled cover-up alone will be worth all the carnage.

beamer wrote:Maybe batting with Cook is part of the difficulty for the revolving door of partners he’s had since Strauss retired. Not anything personality-wise, but just the pressure of going in alongside someone with 10,000 Test runs to his name and knowing you’re the one with your head on the block if you fail.

If we find ourselves throwing two new openers in together at some point, it might lead to a more relaxed, “we’re both in the same boat” approach, and possibly a long-term pairing. Australia might find that happens with Burns and Renshaw.

That is a very astute point. I wish I'd thought of that.

Whether you think Livingstone was the right pick or not, taking him just to carry the drinks achieves the square root of bugger all. Let’s find out about him, we already know what Vince can (or can’t) do.

The squad selection just seems so muddled. They took Ballance to Australia, where absolutely nobody thought he would thrive, he didn’t play, then got dropped, and replaced by Livingstone who has gone to NZ and not played. There will probably be another new (or old) name out of the hat for the first home Test of the summer. It’s getting towards 90s-style pin-sticking stuff.

It is a mess. I think we just need to limp to the end of this series and then commence the blood letting and drawing up of a new master plan.

I also think that will almost certainly not happen. Although James Whittaker has returned to the fudge factory, so that's one less useless dollop fingering our cricketing pies.

Snoozers win the toss and put us in.

Leach, Vince and Wood in for Moeen, Woakes and Overton (why the crap are we dropping our best batsman? ) Suddenly seems both a long tail and not enough bowling...

Incidentally, NZ go third in the rankings if they avoid defeat here and Australia lose.

beamer wrote:Snoozers win the toss and put us in.

Leach, Vince and Wood in for Moeen, Woakes and Overton (why the crap are we dropping our best batsman?   ) Suddenly seems both a long tail and not enough bowling...

Tee hee on the Woakes comment.

Lindsay no.2 wrote:

beamer wrote:Snoozers win the toss and put us in.

Leach, Vince and Wood in for Moeen, Woakes and Overton (why the crap are we dropping our best batsman?   ) Suddenly seems both a long tail and not enough bowling...

Tee hee on the Woakes comment.

It was actually for Overton, I mean, 33 not out from 58 is Bradmanesque...

beamer wrote:

Lindsay no.2 wrote:

beamer wrote:Snoozers win the toss and put us in.

Leach, Vince and Wood in for Moeen, Woakes and Overton (why the crap are we dropping our best batsman?   ) Suddenly seems both a long tail and not enough bowling...

Tee hee on the Woakes comment.

It was actually for Overton, I mean, 33 not out from 58 is Bradmanesque...

Haha - my bad.

But Woakes is certainly in our brst three, right?

I’d rather have either at number 3 than Vince.

Stoneman looking about as secure as an Aussie cricket official so far.