The Friday Funny

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Great joke.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Subject: Rugby Test Tickets

A great offer. If anyone can take it up let me know !!!

This may be of interest to some of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the final Lions Test in Auckland on 8th July. He paid $1000 each (incl food & beverages) but what he didn't realise when he bought the tickets some months ago was that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place!

It's at the All Saints Church Palmerston North at 2.30pm Sat July 8th .The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'8", about 9 stone (57 Kg), quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook ! She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:
To learn how to invest his inheritance and find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men..........................

Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter.
Son: Cool. Thanks.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

Bride is in the car with Dad on the way to the wedding, but she's very nervous, and can't remember the order of service etc.

Dad says - it's easy to remember .....

First of all, I walk with you up the aisle -

We stop at the altar -

And then we sing the first hymn.

Got it, she says just as they arrive.

Meanwhile, the groom is waiting, and the music begins to announce the arrival of the bride.

Imagine his thoughts as she gets closer, and he hears

Aisle ... altar ... hymn, aisle ... altar ... hymn

But after 10 years of marriage, they're doing the supermarket shop. He puts a case of beer in the trolley & she asks "what d'you think you're doing with that?"

" It's on offer - 24 cans for just a tenner" "We can't afford it, put 'em back" she says, but a few aisles further on she picks up a jar of £20 face cream and puts it in the trolley.

When he asks "what's that?" she replies "that's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"

"24 cans of ale do exactly the same thing, and they're half the price ........"

Growler wrote:But after 10 years of marriage, they're doing the supermarket shop. He puts a case of beer in the trolley & she asks "what d'you think you're doing with that?"

" It's on offer - 24 cans for just a tenner" "We can't afford it, put 'em back" she says, but a few aisles further on she picks up a jar of £20 face cream and puts it in the trolley.

When he asks "what's that?" she replies "that's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"

"24 cans of ale do exactly the same thing, and they're half the price ........"

Never underestimate the value of Beer Goggles.

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid .
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Big Dog wrote:An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid .
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

tricycle wrote:Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter.
Son: Cool. Thanks.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

To whomever invented one-ply toilet paper......."I'd like to shake your hand."

Big Dog wrote:To whomever invented one-ply toilet paper......."I'd like to shake your hand."

Hopefully with his left hand?

My wife turned to me & said "You hav'nt listened to a word i've said"
I thought "thats a funny way to start a conversation"

embee wrote:

Martin Freeman has come a long way from his role as a sex extra in Love Actually.

Oh dear. Not your best and does not hold a candle to your bnlg defences.

embee wrote:

Only took 14 years.

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/hooters-waitress-settles-toy-yoda-lawsuit-1767045638

Sorry, but I just couldn't avoid repeating this old chestnut ...

Billy was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children in class what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out ... fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, Captain of Industry, etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet at his desk ... so the teacher asked him about his father.

"Well, my father is an exotic dancer in a gay club, Miss.  He takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work as a distraction and took Billy to one side to ask him if all that was really true.

"No Miss" said Billy, "Actually he plays cricket for Australia but I'm just too embarrassed to say that."

Meghan says to the queen: How can I live a long and healthy life like you?

The queen says: Don't piss me off and wear your seatbelt.

Hehehehe! Apparently there's a meme going around featuring the Queen and James Bond. Farked if I can find it, actually get it to open.