Re: Return of the Jedi (KP)

by Brass Monkey Wed 03 Oct 2012, 12:25

There, Trev. There you go - your poor little knights in shining white armour that the nasty, nasty villain threw loads of smelly mud and shit at actually turned out to be a Huxley-style, iron-fisted organisation 'protecting' a bunch of f*cking qunts.

'Ooh, isn' 'e 'orrible, that Kevin Pietersen? Isn' 'e jus' worse than that Nicolae Ceausescu.? 'orrible. Caan' even eat me cereal, guv.'

by Henry Wed 03 Oct 2012, 12:32

Phurt. They're all c*nts. Equally. Frankly, it's astonishing that England managed to be the number one test side for a year considering the absolute crap that goes on behind the scenes.

by Brass Monkey Wed 03 Oct 2012, 12:41

Why weren't you pulling your pubes out and going on like a cross between Frankie Howard, Frank Spencer and a jilted Jennifer Aniston about all the other wankers, then? They're all 'The Big I Am's.

by beamer Wed 03 Oct 2012, 18:38

Yeah, the Twat Pack have to take their share of the blame, and if any of them continue to display an attitude that is detrimental to the team then the management need to act, whether that be banning them from Twitter or kicking them out completely.

Cook and Flower are obviously prepared to take KP back, if any of the other players have a problem with that then they have to either put it to one side or walk away from the whole thing.

by Guest Wed 03 Oct 2012, 18:48

Brass Monkey wrote:
Klämmssøn wrote:
We would still be going home if he was in the team.

One player does not make that much difference, especially if at least half the rest are completely useless. He is not the panacea that we (supposedly) hope he is.

Interesting point. I'd probably not disagree, but I'd add that the most costly of all our problems were the poor starts up top. He's the T20 business, no shadow of a doubt. World #1, in fact. Who knows really what would've happened with him in the side - our severe inadequacies may well have been hidden by a couple of decent knocks.

Our bowling let us down as well I would say; only Swann and Finn performed really. But KP would have improved on our pathetic starts, I agree. He could hardly have got out faster than Kieswetter. And even if he did, he would have scored more.

I do think that if this were Morgan, Kieswetter or one of the other non-deity squad players then it may well have ended their career. KP is getting another chance because of his talent, therefore is not being treated as others would be. Hopefully this does not cause more resentment - he can't be seen to be bigger than the team, and he can't be seen to be treated like he is.

I don't really care all that much about the squabbling between the players, they just need to show respect for each other and not act like toddlers. There's plenty of people I dislike at work, but you put up with it and carry on. I was much more bothered by his grandstanding, pick and choose, bigger than the team attitude. He can't be seen to get away with any of those.

by Brass Monkey Wed 03 Oct 2012, 19:59

Klämmssøn wrote:

I do think that if this were Morgan, Kieswetter or one of the other non-deity squad players then it may well have ended their career. KP is getting another chance because of his talent, therefore is not being treated as others would be. Hopefully this does not cause more resentment - he can't be seen to be bigger than the team, and he can't be seen to be treated like he is.

Maybe this is true, we'll never know. Of course he's getting another go because of his talent - isn't that the point? If Morgan was such an established player as KP has been, it'd be because he's getting enough out of his talent and hence warrant a definite selection. So they probably would do the same thing with Morgan (drop him, media beat him, desk thump, tell him he's a naughty boy etc., drop him then reconsider him for selection. At some point. ) in that situation.

Klämmssøn wrote:
I don't really care all that much about the squabbling between the players, they just need to show respect for each other and not act like toddlers. There's plenty of people I dislike at work, but you put up with it and carry on. I was much more bothered by his grandstanding, pick and choose, bigger than the team attitude. He can't be seen to get away with any of those.

Agreed, he can't act like he's bigger than the team. Which he most likely did. Which he'd have deserved some stick for. But not childishly behind his back, like schoolgirls. I think he's humbled himself / been humbled quite a bit now. Whereas the FIGJAM attack have just been jazz-handsing all the way along, come loss or win, like their shit is smelly gold.

by Brass Monkey Fri 05 Oct 2012, 12:00

Alan Tyers wrote:

The Kevin Pietersen reintegration package - England's players work together to bring KP back into the fold

The "reintegration of Kevin Pietersen into the group", aside from making him sound like an exotic zoo creature that has been bullied by rival males for having an intimidatingly gaudy plumage*, has necessitated some concessions and commitments on all sides. Like the following:

Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.

… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".

… not laugh at team-mates about World Twenty20 efforts or wave wads of money he got from commentary duties while they were gibbering helplessly in face of Harbhajan, etc.

… switch from Blackberry to iPhone.

Stuart has agreed to…
… continue to focus on taking the positives going forward.

… not defriend anybody's likes or direct message their tweet profiles or whatever the hell it is these sporting enforcers get up to in their spare time.

Jimmy has agreed to…
… not accuse Kevin of cashing in on his England status for personal financial gain; read more about this in Jimmy's book, available in all good bookshops for £19.99.

Swanny has agreed to…
… not making off-putting farting noises when Kevin is getting ready to face a ball in the nets.

Graeme Smith has agreed to…… cackle with glee at a job well done.

Andy has agreed to…
… choose words extremely carefully in interviews, stare intensely, not give in to temptation to throttle any of the little sods.

Giles has agreed to…… acknowledge that his magnificent handling of this situation has allowed a resolution to occur, and to accept the humble gratitude and adoration of his public.

* Actually this is almost exactly what has happened.

by Chivalry Augustus Fri 05 Oct 2012, 22:21

Hopefully soon this whole tormentuous episode will be over and the humiliation of my man the KP will cease.

Every time I turn the television on, they're still poking at him like a poor, caged lion. All these little men who could definitely 100% MOTHER F*CKING not defeat a caged lion if they tried.

Sometimes it's hard being a superstar genius with a massive penis.

You get hate from all sides.

You're a player, a gangster.

And all the time you're surrounded by these little wannabes who want to suck on your tits for a little while, then after a while of sucking on tits they look in the mirror one day and think "OM-mother-FG, I've got titties too."

Then they start sucking on their own tits, or each others.

And after a while they have tit parties, which I'm sure are utterly titillating, where they stand around sucking and admiring each others tits, and telling themselves they're lions, and gabbing on like pre-pubescent girls about how little miss Kevin GOD is a c*nt-less jabberwocky that needs to be put down.

Then when the alpha comes in and tells them that down is up and up is sideways, they run around screaming like mindless ewoks wondering what the frak is going on.

Haters gonna hate.

But hopefully my man the KP will be back.

It's just a shame he keeps apologising. At the moment He (He, not he) looks like some mindless slapper doped up while her tw@t boyfriend tells her what-the-frak is GOING DOWN.

My man KP should be pulling the strings.

Not some cocaine-addled c*nt-sucking self-spermulating wannabe c*ck monkey(s).

by PeterCS Fri 05 Oct 2012, 23:27

Good evening Chiv!

How's the resolution going?

by Chivalry Augustus Sun 07 Oct 2012, 20:15

Complete and utter failure, Peter.

Like trying to change the colour of the skies.

Like trying to stop the sun from rising.

If it ain't your hand then it's an ugly girl that looks less ugly with every day that passes.

Obviously I'm a very handsome guy as well which doesn't help. If it's not fighting off the advances of others, female and male, I cannot help falling in love with myself every so often.

This is the way of the world. I'm not narcissistic though. I'm chivassistic.

by LeFromage Sun 07 Oct 2012, 20:28

http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/585904.html

Deary me. David Collier is blaming the Pietersen text crimes on the duplicitous South Africans, who apparently made him act like a gigantic cock as a part of a wider conspiracy to undermine English team spirit.

Just when you think the debacle can't out any more deluded c*nts from within the spunk bubble of English cricket...

by mynah Sun 07 Oct 2012, 20:32

As in "the devil made me do it"?

by Basil Sun 07 Oct 2012, 23:21

For farq's sake - just lock the players in a room for as long as it takes until they sort out their differences. One wonders how the current mangament would have handled Geoff Boycott, John Snow and Phil Edmonds.

by PeterCS Mon 08 Oct 2012, 00:04

At arm's length, but withu rab, errr, love?

by Henry Mon 08 Oct 2012, 00:30

And now Cricket South Africa is apparently threatening the ECB with legal action over the comments. Good one David Collier. He does sweet f*ck the whole time this situation plays out, then when a resolution is apparently close, he comes out and blames South Africa.

What exactly does David Collier do to earn his salary?

by PeterCS Mon 08 Oct 2012, 00:41

by Henry Mon 08 Oct 2012, 00:54

The 'Octopussy' clown? And he got a knife to the back trying to sneak across Checkpoint Charlie.

by tricycle Mon 08 Oct 2012, 05:07

link

One shenanigan too many for the ECB. What compelled this claim?

by Brass Monkey Mon 08 Oct 2012, 08:09

F*cking stupid - what, are they all 12 years old? Nobody provoked KP to do it but his superhuge ego. His ego told him to act like a wanker and he didn't have enough sense to curb it.

by mynah Mon 08 Oct 2012, 08:38

Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.

… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".

...Instead of said T-shirt and text messages have one printed with "Strauss se ma se poes" on the front.

by mynah Mon 08 Oct 2012, 08:39

mynah wrote:
Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.

… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".
...Instead of said T-shirt and text messages have one printed with "Strauss se ma se poes" on the front.

Oops, just remembered that half the England team should have no difficulty translating that.

by Brass Monkey Mon 08 Oct 2012, 10:11

Oh. I just thought you were writing random letters in a random order.

by Red Mon 08 Oct 2012, 10:23

Dello wrote:http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/585904.html

Deary me. David Collier is blaming the Pietersen text crimes on the duplicitous South Africans, who apparently made him act like a gigantic cock as a part of a wider conspiracy to undermine English team spirit.

Just when you think the debacle can't out any more deluded c*nts from within the spunk bubble of English cricket...

Why didn't he say this when poor defenceless KP was getting hung out to dry?

by WideWally Mon 08 Oct 2012, 10:56

Red wrote:
Dello wrote:http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/585904.html

Deary me. David Collier is blaming the Pietersen text crimes on the duplicitous South Africans, who apparently made him act like a gigantic cock as a part of a wider conspiracy to undermine English team spirit.

Just when you think the debacle can't out any more deluded c*nts from within the spunk bubble of English cricket...

Why didn't he say this when poor defenceless KP was getting hung out to dry?

Those nasty South Africans kidnapped Mr Collier's dog & were threatening to castrate him. Fortunately Fluffy has since escaped & made his way back to the Collier residence so David can tell the truth now.

by mynah Mon 08 Oct 2012, 12:42

WideWally wrote:
Red wrote:
Dello wrote:http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/585904.html

Deary me. David Collier is blaming the Pietersen text crimes on the duplicitous South Africans, who apparently made him act like a gigantic cock as a part of a wider conspiracy to undermine English team spirit.

Just when you think the debacle can't out any more deluded c*nts from within the spunk bubble of English cricket...

Why didn't he say this when poor defenceless KP was getting hung out to dry?

Those nasty South Africans kidnapped Mr Collier's dog & were threatening to castrate him. Fortunately Fluffy has since escaped & made his way back to the Collier residence so David can tell the truth now.

Seems like a mighty South African mafia out there. Considering what they almost did to Fluffy, Mr Collier might want to send KP for a medical checkup...

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