Smith's tour diary update

Graeme Smith Tour Diary
Article By: Dan Nicholl
Tue, 15 Jul 2008 09:35
Smuggled out of the South African dressing room in a McDonald's burger carton, iafrica.com brings you another exclusive glimpse at the secret tour diary of national captain Graeme Smith...


Wednesday, 9 July: Day before a big Test match, always a few butterflies — which were compounded by confirmation from my agent. After my IPL stint, looks like I'll be headed back to India to make my Bollywood debut! Could hardly concentrate during the press conference, although did pick up a few nasty comments about me and Jacques, suggesting we were possibly a little out of shape. Discussed it with Jacques over a couple of pizzas and a bucket of KFC before dinner; we've decided to ignore the comments, and focus on winning the series.

Thursday, 10 July: Not a great start for us, although the omens weren't good. Neil had a go at AB at breakfast, after finding AB paging through an old copy of FHM with Kerry in her underwear. Kerry actually dropped by to wish us luck; AB went bright red, and couldn't say a word. Poor kid's besotted. And she is pretty hot, I suppose, although she's no Minki. Day just went downhill from there, bowling ordinary and England's batting pretty decent. And had to endure KP getting a hundred; all in all, a pretty horrible day. We carry on like this, and I think I might just go into acting full time.

Friday, 11 July: Arrived at Lord's early (they do a cracking breakfast), and bumped into KP outside the ground, selling replica figurines, copies of his biography, and mock-gold KP chains. Honestly. Was a little distracted, as my script arrived last night — I'm going to have to sing! I haven't sung since I played Cinderella's step-mother in the KES school play, other than a wild night of karaoke with Boeta and Ash on tour a couple of years ago. Quite nervous, to be honest. Forgettable day of cricket (did feel sorry for Ian Bell, to be honest); still, at least we got through to stumps. Tough day tomorrow.

Saturday, 12 July: And it just gets worse... Mickey had forgotten to iron my lucky shirt, which was annoying; not as annoying as Neil, though, who tried to get me to put a four-leaf rabbit's foot in my pocket to combat Jupiter being in the fourth house of Taurus. At least it distracted him from watching AB, who spent all morning gazing lovingly at Kerry. One unlucky bounce, and I'm back in the pavilion, and bar a great innings from Ash, we were appalling. Batting twice in the same day? Not ideal. Still, I reckon we can save it — a little inspiration from the Boks won't hurt.

Sunday, 13 July: Hundred at Lord's! Amazing how 24 hours can turn things around. Email arrived confirming a three-picture deal for me, playing a cricketing Indiana Jones who battles a injustice to free people from the shackles of corrupt industry, by drawing on inner strength, raw courage, and underrated collection of gentle off-breaks. Apparently I'm huge in India; mentioned that to Paul, who said he thought I was huge everywhere, which was very sweet of him. Reached a great hundred, but then almost got out to KP; that would have been mortifying, so made sure I spooned up a catch a couple of balls later. Watching KP get a hundred was bad enough; getting out to him would have been gutting. Reckon we're safe though.

Monday, 14 July: Home safe. Neil and Hashim batted beautifully, and although Jacques got a beauty from Ryan Sidebottom — or Frontbottom, as he now calls him — we hung on. Not the most exciting day, perhaps, but job done. Tried out my new Indian accent on Monty when we all shook hands; gave me a funny look, so probably surprised at how well I've nailed it. Three days 'til the next Test, and everyone's pretty cheerful; my big question is when to let everyone know that I'm off to Bollywood?

Who writes this?

Is that a gnome de plume?

Nah, think it's his real name

Tried out my new Indian accent on Monty when we all shook hands; gave me a funny look, so probably surprised at how well I've nailed it.

My avatar gets a mention.

Reached a great hundred, but then almost got out to KP; that would have been mortifying, so made sure I spooned up a catch a couple of balls later. Watching KP get a hundred was bad enough; getting out to him would have been gutting. Reckon we're safe though.

noelene wrote:Reached a great hundred, but then almost got out to KP; that would have been mortifying, so made sure I spooned up a catch a couple of balls later. Watching KP get a hundred was bad enough; getting out to him would have been gutting. Reckon we're safe though.

Plus KP selling all that merchandise to celebrate his feats, it's almost believeable.

I don't think Smith leaves Dan short of raw material btw.

"Jacques got a beauty from Ryan Sidebottom — or Frontbottom, as he now calls him"

Off topic, I now like "Sid" for The Ryan King. Though the latter is not bad, bearing in mind the mane.

Frontbottom is so tweeeeee!!!!

At least he didn't go for topbottom.