The Pataudi Series Review
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The Pataudi Series Review
by Brass Monkey Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:03
Right. Here goes. Some took a while. Some didn't. Most ended up with a sigh of resignation that this would probably be as good as it gets, for me.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Brass Monkey Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:05
England
Strauss
Cook
Trott
Pietersen
Bell
Morgan
Bopara
Prior
Bresnan
Broad
Swann
Anderson
Tremlett
Strauss
- Spoiler:
He didn't look in the worst nick, he has unfortunately gained the propensity to get bogged down - strikingly like Strauss 2007. It's not helpful, especially with Cook
down the other end. In the innings just gone, he looked in decent touch the evening before his blockfest - i.e. he was aiming to score down the ground and there were a
couple of shots that aesthetically looked like he was back to form. TBH, it'll probably do him the world of good to have a long break. He can go and properly look at
his game, relax, shut down. This sort of break is the thing that can prolong a career. During downtime, I suggest he reads about how to become a good tactician. 'The
Art Of Captaincy' cliche. Still a top man manager and gives as much as he asks his charges to. Whatever we may think, he has captained us to the sky. The world of
tomorrow? England officially number 1. A-hyuck.
7.18 Quergs.
Cook
- Spoiler:
Yes, the man with two brains. One says "Fill your boots, squire" - the other says "Where the f*ck is my off stump? It was there just a minute ago!". Seems to coincide
with reasonable batting conditions, but hey ho. He got 294 for Pete's sake. It afforded us heavy 'scoreboard pressure' and further demoralised the ramshackle Indian
dross-weasels. Bit of a goon catching behind the wicket, still almost top drawer in front close-in.
69.92 Whebs.
Trott
- Spoiler:
Didn't have much to go on, in all. A top knock in the most challenging of conditions in the series and whilst the Indians has some semblance of testes. Otherwise he
looked decidedly under par. Maybe he's even bored himself? I was a little surprised he's still injured - he's in the hurt locker (wooooo) but he's a tough enough bloke
to come back if he can.
12 Wargars.
Pietersen
- Spoiler:
Batsman of the series IMO, from an England perspective anyhow. Belligerent and incredibly dominant at times. Was probably what one could call 'classic' in his
disdainful punishment of any kind of bowling. Spoke incredibly analytically about his batting, post innings interview - still reckon he'd have made a decent, attacking
captain with novel field placings.
108 * 82 Goozors.
Bell
- Spoiler:
Warne has probably been up late smashing Hurley, so half of his commentary this summer has been "Ian Bell - turned from the Sherminator into the Terminator. Well,
we've all seen what filth I can mix up on the art package. Amazingly pleasing to watch at his fluent best, appealing to say the least. And well done him, the results
are coming. Seems a more confident and mature individual.
9 Arbiters.
Morgan
- Spoiler:
Hmmm, the Unknown, eh? Is he the steely-eyed tonker from the ODI arena or is he a gigantic, tentative pantsbag with enough technical flaws for today's bowlers to
exploit. I'm giving him some leeway because a couple of dismissals have been sacrificial when we've needed to get on with it.
62 & 1/2 Habbies.
Bopara
- Spoiler:
Looks all at sea, although there've been some shades of 'battitude' in his last innings. Otherwise he looks like he's falling down, everything around him collapsing.
In fact, if we allowed guns in this country I wouldn't have been surprised to see him strutting around going postal on society. He blames society. I bet you any money
he was there rioting with the 'best' of them. Not sure about him as an international force.
2-squared of Whizzo.
Prior
- Spoiler:
Kept well for the most part, even with the England bowlers being wayward. Batting like a zippy powerhouse, incredibly fast runs which either consign the opposition to
the woedrums or making sure they're heavily on the back foot. Furious? No, not him in the changing room after a low score dismissal - someone's only gone and nicked
his massive bag of jelly beans - the bastards.
5 cor, 2 haw
Bresnan
- Spoiler:
Looks every bit the hustler. Gets some poor due off Dello, probably same with opposition batsmen and bowlers. At times innocuous looking, maybe even a bit dibbly.
Then, out of nowhere, he rummages around in his bag of tricks and produces a SPH. Similarly in his batting, he lollups along then next thing you know he's strung some
boundaries and looks like he warrants his number 8 position. Probably surpassed 95% of England fans' expectations. Brezzy Lad.
85 Whammos.
Broad
- Spoiler:
I'm not saying he's some otherworldy dribbly twat-up borefest with Christopher Eccleston - I'm saying he looks back to the form that made him the toast of the British
media. Pitching the ball up, smiting the ball. Player of the series IMO. Even shaved some twattiness from his soul. Excellent. He acted every bit the man someone of
his experience should.
22 Gold Star awards.
Swann
- Spoiler:
Until this match, he was definitely home alone as the only non-performer. Plucky in the field and with the bat, but his bowling looked clueless at times. I recognise
it's tough against a line-up so adept at playing spin, but still, you'd have thought he'd have some sort of different tactics. At times he couldn't even keep it tight.
As for this match 9-208
10 Levis and a cauliflower.
Anderson
- Spoiler:
At times he looked pretty poor, but the difference with this version of Mister Anderson is he rarely goes for tonk even when struggling. His best is still crackerjack,
he hoops that ball like a motherf*cker. One could say he bends it like Beckham.
88 Fuzzlers.
Tremlett
- Spoiler:
Oh. It's Groundhog Day. The big unit's on the treatment table, again. We should be thankful that he got to play 7 Tests in a row - I'll certainly golf clap him
for that 'feat'. Doubtful he'll retain his place. Lil Timmy B's done enough.
0.5 Zasslogs.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Brass Monkey Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:06
India
Sehwag
Gambhir
Dravid
Tendulkar, Laxman, Zaheer, Harbhajan
Raina
Dhoni
Yuvraj, Sharma, Sreesanth
Praveen
Mukund, Mishra
Sehwag
- Spoiler:
We all heard how the mighty swisher would've pummelled us into submission from ball one of the series onwrds. To my mind, he's always been a swipey-type that simply doesn't do well in conditions like these. One could argue that Mukund actually was the better choice, especially after the king pair. In the end this big ball of hype managed runs. 41 of them. In four innings. Telling the truth, I'm glad such sh!t preparation has done for him - such scant respect for this England side.
0 Flargs * 2
Gambhir
- Spoiler:
Here's another one. "Oh the great opening partnership is missed", "India missing Gambhir". Yeah? You sure? 99 runs in 5 innings, pissed his knick with injuries twice - consussion? yeah, I suppose. Though what the extra hour did him yesterday, I don't know. You're an opener. Get out there. Bruised elbow? Seriously? Since the start of 2010 - 780 runs at 33. What an imposter. Really.
3 Packets of Hula Hoops.
Dravid
- Spoiler:
What can I say that hasn't been said? When the sh!t's been flying around this man has showed perfect technique and temprament for the conditions, TBH it's mastery to watch him play so much off the back foot in a place where you're always told to get on the front. He truly has been India's lone hero - top bloke too.
100% Proof.
Tendulkar, Laxman, Zaheer, Harbhajan
- Spoiler:
Sachin - As has been noted, his bogey bowler's been in good effect and he seems to have found a couple more. He has looked in really good touch at times, I don't think there's anything serious wrong. But it was a big struggle as well, typified by his 91 today - stumped, dropped thrice, LB reprieve. Underperformance brings out the grumpiness though, face like a slapped arse since TB.
VVS - Looked an old man throughout. Still pretty difficult to get out IMO, he's had some real jaffas come his way and contrived to his own downfall once or thrice - probably good probing bowling and using the shortie as a surprise that contributed. Considering in the last year he played three match-winning knocks from seemingly lost positions, he possibly deserves a reprieve. But India must jettison such liabilities in the field ASAP. He looks grumpy every time he has to field. Or every time he holes out leg-side.
Zaheer - We all know about him. He was going to take between 40 and 50 wickets this series. So India missed that. In all seriousness, it was a shame - even from an English perspective - to not see him out here peforming to his best, it can be taken as a fact that he'd have performed better than the rest of the attack did. I personally don't think it would've been enough for India to be competetive, but we'll now never know. Why? Oh, because he's a fat lazy sh!t who clearly didn't GAF about the series before OR thought himself to be such a legend that he didn't need to do anything to play a 4-Test series against a decent side. What a massive, fat woman.
Bhajji - We haven't learnt anything new, can't particularly bowl, can't field and has a bit of a throw with the bat. The irony is he may have done OK at the Oval, but again heavily unfit - so much so that he hurt his stomach stretching for a ball in the field. Tears like that can happen. But for them to happen like that... hmmmm... What a poor excuse for a vice-captain woman.
4 Quinces, 7 Grapes (three red, four green - ALL seedless), a mariachi band and a can of Super T.
Raina
- Spoiler:
I naively thought he'd overcome his problems, lauded him for it. Trev pulled me up and made me realise that England clearly bowled in the wroing areas to him. Since then he's been heavily under siege, no real intelligent bowling needed. Bang it in, watch him melt. Really good fielding throughout, though. Something of note in this collection of fielding uber-gash.
2 cereal box prizes.
Dhoni
- Spoiler:
Captain Calamity alright. Simply let England pile on the runs. OK, not easy at all when you've got procession of special needs cases running in to bowl, but not even something as captaincy-by-numbers as a THIRD MAN? Happy to let England do what the f*ck they liked, with no innovation from him whatsoever. What's more he has mainly batted like a blind fawn with dyspraxia and kept like a nervous schoolgirl at a JLS concert. AND he thinks all's OK with this Indian team. Calamity indeed. Qunt.
Half a packet of Sherbert Dibdab.
Yuvraj, Sharma, Sreesanth
- Spoiler:
These chappies have obvious talent. You can tell by the way they play 5% of their cricket. Serious talent. The other 95% is a mixture of no attention-span, a delicacy of the ticker and general twattery. These 'young guns' have been around the side for years and they're still wet behind the ears. Superbad for sure - the fat one, the skinny one and the geeky one need to go back to school and learn f*cking fast.
Two thirds of a bottle of gin.
Praveen
- Spoiler:
We've heard the worldwide reservations. He's a dobber. But what a dobber. Manful performances until breaking point. He'll run and run in. Nibbling it this way or that. An average of 29 with no support is a top effort. A true man apart. Should 'do a job' for India if they can find someone slim enough or with half a wit to bowl at the other end.
8 Squeegees.
Mukund, Mishra
- Spoiler:
These poor chaps are simply the other guys. They were kept out by 'better' players. TBH, they don't stand out as underperformers, considering the players who replaced them / who they replaced. I personally reckon these two have something to work with, but I probably won't get much support because of their abjectness.
One iota of due.
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Basil
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Brass Monkey Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:22
Cheers Bas, can't say it was inspired. Once I'd done some, I felt I'd better do the rest.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Gary 111 Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:32
Nice effort. Bet it took longer than Sehwag's entire series.
Here's my combined team from the series from both team's top performers:
Strauss
Cook
Dravid
Pietersen
Bell
Morgan
Prior
Bresnan
Broad
Swann
Anderson
Here's my combined team from the series from both team's top performers:
Strauss
Cook
Dravid
Pietersen
Bell
Morgan
Prior
Bresnan
Broad
Swann
Anderson
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Basil Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:35
Gary 111 wrote:Nice effort. Bet it took longer than Sehwag's entire series.
Here's my combined team from the series from both team's top performers:
Strauss
Cook
Dravid
Pietersen
Bell
Morgan
Prior
Bresnan
Broad
Swann
Anderson
That just about says it all
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by JKLever Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:41
A damn fine effort that man.... PMSL at the Ravi Flopara effort!
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Jontyh Mon 22 Aug 2011, 19:09
Danny: 8 scrotal jiggles and a quick suck.
Good work, pal!
Good work, pal!
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by eowyn Mon 22 Aug 2011, 19:14
Nice one, Danny. My fav is Swanny as Macauley Culkin.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by LeFromage Mon 22 Aug 2011, 19:39
Ali Cook as The Man with Two Brains? Awesomeness!
That's also exactly what he'll look like when he's older. Except with his scalp attached. I would hope.
It's 12 Panda Hammers from me.
That's also exactly what he'll look like when he's older. Except with his scalp attached. I would hope.
It's 12 Panda Hammers from me.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by PeterCS Mon 22 Aug 2011, 19:51
Top banana stuff, Mr D.
FWIW I like Cook, Bell, the grumpy quartet, Dhoni and M& M best. They made me laugh in other words, whereas some are a bit too true to be so funny (bit like The Office).
FWIW I like Cook, Bell, the grumpy quartet, Dhoni and M& M best. They made me laugh in other words, whereas some are a bit too true to be so funny (bit like The Office).
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Gary 111 Mon 22 Aug 2011, 20:01
Seconded on Swanny / Culkin - his face seems to fit so perfectly.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by krikri Mon 22 Aug 2011, 20:24
Good work! Favourite is the Grumpier Old Men. Zaheer looks a bit too comfortable in those clothes 
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Yorkie Jill Mon 22 Aug 2011, 20:41
my fave is Jimmy Knightley.
I raise a pint of Lilt to you Danny.
I raise a pint of Lilt to you Danny.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by lardbucket Mon 22 Aug 2011, 21:16
Basil wrote:Gary 111 wrote:Nice effort. Bet it took longer than Sehwag's entire series.
Here's my combined team from the series from both team's top performers:
Strauss
Cook
Dravid
Pietersen
Bell
Morgan
Prior
Bresnan
Broad
Swann
Anderson
That just about says it all
I'd have Dhoni in for Morgan. Otherwise, yeah.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by PeterCS Mon 22 Aug 2011, 22:10
Another reason for you Aussies to get your act together by the next Ashes.
Dell and Dan will lacerate you with caricature if you don't pull your socks and jocks up.
Dell and Dan will lacerate you with caricature if you don't pull your socks and jocks up.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by PeterCS Mon 22 Aug 2011, 22:19
PS: Dello, can we have some of these in the Gallery?
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Zat Mon 22 Aug 2011, 23:32
Danny, well done. Some of these rate 9.8 on the fourm advent calendar scale.
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by The One Tue 23 Aug 2011, 05:33
sehwag - 1/10
gambhir - 2/10
mukund - 3/10
dravid - 9/10 (only points taken away for his slip catching)
srt - 4/10
laxman - 2/10
raina - 2/10
yuvraj - 3/10
dhoni - 3/10
harbhajan - 2/10
mishra - 4/10 (for excelling in the skill he was not picked for)
zak - 1/10
praveen - 6/10
ishant - 3/10
sreesanth - 3/10
rp - 1/10
gambhir - 2/10
mukund - 3/10
dravid - 9/10 (only points taken away for his slip catching)
srt - 4/10
laxman - 2/10
raina - 2/10
yuvraj - 3/10
dhoni - 3/10
harbhajan - 2/10
mishra - 4/10 (for excelling in the skill he was not picked for)
zak - 1/10
praveen - 6/10
ishant - 3/10
sreesanth - 3/10
rp - 1/10
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by Brass Monkey Tue 23 Aug 2011, 09:02
Cheers all. Glad it didn't totally bomb!
England scored 2809 runs in the series in 6 innings, losing 47 wickets.
India's stellar batting line-up scored 2041 in the series in 8 innings, losing all 80 wickets.
England average completed innings: 598.
India average completed innings: 255.
A whoopin'
England scored 2809 runs in the series in 6 innings, losing 47 wickets.
India's stellar batting line-up scored 2041 in the series in 8 innings, losing all 80 wickets.
England average completed innings: 598.
India average completed innings: 255.
A whoopin'
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Re: The Pataudi Series Review
by lardbucket Tue 23 Aug 2011, 11:14
Excellent work, Danny ... finally managed to view all the images.
'Let There Be Blood'.
'Let There Be Blood'.
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