The Friday Funny

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than it bargained for: At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds; within 12 seconds it had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Hamilton's bird in the shower!

FW: Doctor confessions


1. A man dashes into the A & E dept. and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off
her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
.. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this
morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A & E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . .

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation...

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .

'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

I hope he didn't go in too hard in Case 1.

>>>

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

<<<

Explains it all ... normal for Norfolk

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the
doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for impending death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly whacked with a wooden spoon.

'F**k off!' said his wife. 'They're for the funeral.'

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ...

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too,

first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

PMSL ... verrry good!

memories, eh, merls?

A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had tattoos of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to one of her regular customers, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!”

Very good

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

'I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location.'

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,

'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers.
You will then understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes.'

One to read after dinner but farking funny anyway.

I was walking through town, when I saw a sign that said psychotherapist. I thought I'd pop in. I should've looked closer. Turns out it was the home of psycho, the rapist.

Demelza wrote:I was walking through town, when I saw a sign that said psychotherapist. I thought I'd pop in. I should've looked closer. Turns out it was the home of psycho, the rapist.

About time you got lucky . . .

I haven't leafed through this thread, so don't know if this one's been used before.
An oldie but goldie.

A drover walked into a Northern Territory beer joint with a crocodile under his arm.
He put the crocodile up on the bar, turned and addressed the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal,' he said. 'I'll open this croc's mouth and place my todger inside. The croc will close his mouth for one minute before opening it again for me to remove my tackle unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, I’d want you all to agree that each of you will buy me a drink .'

Without considering, the crowd immediately gave their consent. So the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his todger and the attached appendages into the crocodile's open mouth across its sharp teeth.

The croc closed its mouth…. the crowd gasped … and you could’ve heard a pin drop.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head, upon which, the croc immediately but gently opened its mouth to let the man removed his unscathed genitals.

The crowd cheered wildly at this spectacle, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
A short while later the man stood up again and made another announcement.

'I'll pay a thousand bucks to anyone in this room who's willing to give that a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd, before a hand meekly went up at the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman at the back of the room timidly spoke up.........

“Err, I’m willing to give it a try …. only just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle!”

tac wrote:

Demelza wrote:I was walking through town, when I saw a sign that said psychotherapist. I thought I'd pop in. I should've looked closer. Turns out it was the home of psycho, the rapist.

About time you got lucky . . .

I have. You've gone.

Demelza wrote:

tac wrote:

Demelza wrote:I was walking through town, when I saw a sign that said psychotherapist. I thought I'd pop in. I should've looked closer. Turns out it was the home of psycho, the rapist.

About time you got lucky . . .

I have. You've gone.

Gone where?

Damn

At least you still got lucky . . .

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah. We'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks loike a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy! Watch dis..' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then hurls himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie-jumping; den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding! I'm goin' to the bar.'

But a chicken is not a hen?

Jonty, it sounds a lot like a cross between "It's a long way to tip a Rarey" and the one where the parrot says to his (human) companion as they are thrown off the plane for rampant abuse: "Well mate, I have to say, for a bird with no wings, you are one ballsy bastard."

Poetic license, Pete. Plus, they are Oirish fellas so might not know the difference between a chicken and a hen..

Or the egg, begorr?

I like the one about the ballsy bastard!