The Friday Funny

Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese.
That's because they keep walking into things....
Like McDonald's.



I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.
I said, "Thanks!"



I read that Simon Cowell is extremely wealthy and spends 500k
on his personal security every year.
Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a twat?

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is"
While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a
fat, old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother..."

Merlin wrote:I haven't leafed through this thread, so don't know if this one's been used before.
An oldie but goldie.

A drover walked into a Northern Territory beer joint with a crocodile under his arm.
He put the crocodile up on the bar, turned and addressed the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal,' he said. 'I'll open this croc's mouth and place my todger inside. The croc will close his mouth for one minute before opening it again for me to remove my tackle unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, I’d want you all to agree that each of you will buy me a drink .'

Without considering, the crowd immediately gave their consent. So the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his todger and the attached appendages into the crocodile's open mouth across its sharp teeth.

The croc closed its mouth…. the crowd gasped … and you could’ve heard a pin drop.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head, upon which, the croc immediately but gently opened its mouth to let the man removed his unscathed genitals.

The crowd cheered wildly at this spectacle, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
A short while later the man stood up again and made another announcement.

'I'll pay a thousand bucks to anyone in this room who's willing to give that a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd, before a hand meekly went up at the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman at the back of the room timidly spoke up.........

“Err, I’m willing to give it a try …. only just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle!”

It's a funny joke but falls down on the fact that some dickheads in the Territory do shit like that.

My favourite story is the guy who tried to remove a snake from a beer garden and got bitten about a dozen times. When asked why he didn't let the thing go after the first bite he explained that he didn't want to spill his beer. (Yes he had a beer in his hand at the time).

SYDNEY suburban paper The Inner West Weekly carried a report on the vandalism of a statue of Mary Poppins erected in a park by Ashfield Council five years ago. The statue has been regularly vandalised, but this time Mary’s umbrella was snapped off. The headline was terrific: “Super brolly a statistic, vandals are atrocious”.

Well?

I. need. a. joke.

HH_pink wrote:Well?

That's not funny. What a strange sense of humour you have.

Okay, JGK on the Jaws thread:

Re: Jaws
by JGK Today at 3:35 am

Funny thing I heard today:

Q: Why is it called a shark?


A: Because the first person who saw one could decide whether to say "shit" or "fark".

Demelza wrote:

HH_pink wrote:Well?

That's not funny. What a strange sense of humour you have.

Now that's funny. Thank you. I just planted the seed, and we now have a full-blown forest.

I saw this last night and it made me laugh . . .

LOL, nice.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, pointing to one … "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock” said St. Pete, “The hands have moved just twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"So where's Gordon Brown's clock?" asked the man.
"Gordon's clock is in Jesus' office.," said Pete, "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

That joke is so old, horrie wasn't born when it was first told.

Horace was never born.

He emerged full grown and in full battle armour from the head of Jupiter.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball, the golfer says.

'Oh, oi see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get tree wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
'Oi have to do something for him. Oi'll give him de tree tings oi would want: a great golf game, all de money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex loife.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'Oi just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, oi'm foine now, tanks a million. Oi did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer foinances?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £50 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'Oi did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun. 'Oi'm wanting to know if oi did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' asks the Leprechaun in shock. 'Dat's all? Only once or twoice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer. 'I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Not bad.

freddled gruntbuggly wrote:SYDNEY suburban paper The Inner West Weekly carried a report on the vandalism of a statue of Mary Poppins erected in a park by Ashfield Council five years ago. The statue has been regularly vandalised, but this time Mary’s umbrella was snapped off. The headline was terrific: “Super brolly a statistic, vandals are atrocious”.

This has been done by The Sun, too - when Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic in the Scottish cup.
The headline was: Super Cally go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious.

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Apologies if this one's been done before - but rather topical in light of recent events across the water.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye did what ?! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give me ma this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion in Marbella plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Wait now girlie …. What was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, still sobbing, "....a prostitute Daddy ……….!."

"Oh! Be Jaezus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

Cliff Richard is on a farewell world tour - hurrah, I hear you say!

At the close of one of his concerts in Japan, he throws it open to the audience to ask for requests.

A small man in the front row, pipes up, "Mr 'ichard, Mr 'ichard, play Itchy Fanny."

"Itchy Fanny?" replies Cliff a little embarrassed, "No, sorry I recorded no such number."

Someone else requests Wired for Sound, so he plays that instead.

At the end of the song, the small man pipes up again - more urgently this time, "Mr 'ichard, Mr 'ichard, Mr 'ichard play Itchy Fanny!"

"Sorry, I told you," says Cliff. "I didn't record that, I've never even heard of it."

It's Christmas time, so someone else requests Mistletoe and Wine, and he plays that instead.

Once that's finished, it's time for the final track of the concert, and the small man is absolutely desperate, virtually climbing on to the stage and screaming, "MR 'ICHARD, MR 'ICHARD, MR 'ICHARD, PLEASE PLAY ITCHY FANNY . . . ITCHY FANNY - PLEASE."

Cliff sighs, and says, "Look, I'm really sorry, but that just isn't one of my songs, I don't even know it - how does it go?"

The small man immediately bursts into loud song,

"ITCHY FANNY, HOW WE DON'T TALK ANY MORE."


Well, it made me laugh after a skinful down the booooooozer.

One day while on patrol out of town, a cop noticed a car speeding. A red sports car.

He chased downa nd stopped the car and asked the driver to roll down the window. Smoked glass. But he was not expecting the driver to be, blonde, with a low-cut red dress, and extremely shapely - and what's more, a woman.

"Afternoon, miss. I’m afraid I've had to stop you for speeding, ... Could I see your licence. please...?"

"...Licence...???" replied the blonde, "What's that?"

"It may be in your handbag?..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find something. "You mean this thing here?"

"Yes, that's it, miss. - Now do you mind if I check your log book?" asked the cop.

"Log book..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

"Is that this box thing here?" the driver replied. After more fumbling, she found a document.

"Just stay there miss. I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car. "Man, what a blonde!", the cop muttered to himself, shaking his head.

He radioed in to check the woman's licence and registration details. After a few moments, the answer came back.

"Ummm.... this is the woman with the red sports car, isn’t it?"

"Yes", replied the cop.

"A very shapely blonde?" asked his colleague.

"Uh... yes. You can say that again …. Why …?" replied the cop.

"Okay, here’s the procedure ..." said his colleague at the desk. (….)

The cop returned, and ordered the driver to follow him to a quiet byroad, and step out of her car. Then, with a stern authoritative look, he undid his pants in front of her.

The blonde looked down and sighed, "Oh... not the breathalyser AGAIN ..… Why do you cops always think I’m drunk?"

You'd need to drown in the vat for that to be funny.

As the jeweller said .. they can't all be gems.

A depressed young woman from Belfast was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for" he said. "I'm off to America in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".

"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.

"He's screwing me," said the girl sheepishly.

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Stranraer to Larne ferry."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are exploring the jungle (perhaps somewhere in deepest Hampshire).

They are captured by local tribesmen, and brought before the chief.

To their surprise, he can speak some English.

The chief points his spear at the Irishman and says, "Death...or Gunji?"

The Irishman thinks, "Gunji? Well, I don't want to die...", so he says “Gunji”.

The chief raises his spear triumphantly in the air and says, "It's Gunji!"

Then thirty tribesmen come out of the forest and buttfcuk the man, one after another.

The chief points his spear at the Scotsman and says, "Death...or Gunji?"

The Scotsman looks at his Irish companion, knackered and red-raw on the ground, but reflects he too would rather have this Gunji than death, so he too declares "Gunji".

So the chief raises his spear triumphantly in the air and says, "It's Gunji!"

Another thirty tribesmen come out of the forest and buttfcuk the man, one after another.

The chief finally comes round to the Englishman, points his spear at him and
says, "Death...or Gunji?"

The Englishman sees his Irish and Scottish companions writhing and scrabbling on the ground and procliams, upper lip twitching only slightly: "I choose death."

The chief beams broadly, raises his spear triumphantly in the air and yells:

"HURRAH !! - DEATH BY GUNJI !!" ……