The Friday Funny

Good stuff, Pete!

Some series just never go away .....

Might be old but I hadn't heard it:

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven’t led a perfect life and I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but I’ve made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I’ll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I’ll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn’t say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you’re in" says St Peter

"Hold on a ****** minute" says Freddie "She didn’t even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

Applications for leave

Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since
I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

Another gem from CDAC; leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Written letters

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Very old but worth another look


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" “Very good...” said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said her mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today and, when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her blouse to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last two years. He's recently married a local girl who can wash up with hand, cook with the other, dust with one foot while blowing him as she opens a beer with her arse (I don't get that bit personally.) She's a Swiss army wife.

But is that actually true?



Why are there no jokes involving mayonnaise?

Dem is a joke involving mayonnaise . . .

People really said these things in court, apparently.
In America, obviously..

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, ’Hello. My name is Carmen.'
'That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'
'No' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. 'What's your name?'
'B.J. Titsengolf.'

In light of Shoaib Akhtar's warts:
Akhtar stayed on in Dubai after a Pak series and was introduced to an Arab sheik who boasted that he had seventy eight wives.
Akhtar smartly retorted " You only need two more, and you're entitled to a new ball."

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Gilchrist was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman Shane Warne,
'Hard luck, mate,' smirked Shane.
'Ya. It's a shame', said gilly 'I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick'

Why do only Indians reincarnate?

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said ‘I have to talk to you. We
have some Indians up here in heaven causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris and salwar-kameez instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos at discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai, and chewing paan. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!’

The Lord said, 'Indians are my children too. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Gabriel calls and Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'

Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said,
‘I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians have put off the fires and are trying to install air conditioning and are making hell a comfortable place. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a High speed and wireless network between heaven, hell and Earth...I am having such a hard time controlling them!! Some were trying to start a chai-pakora shop, which I had to stop...’

As a clincher, Satan then said,

‘I am requesting the Lord to send them all back to earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases’

Notice on church notice board

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

And the young Irish bloke who applied to the Ulster police force.

First question was "Who killed Jesus Christ".

He answered "I don't know".

The testing officer told him to go home and think about it and come back the following morning,

When he got home his Mum asked him how he went.

"Pretty good I think, they've given me my first murder case".

You are in a crowded gym when you suddenly realize you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let
5 strong and loud ones go back to back.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your
stopping point.

As you are leaving the gym, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your iPod

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

'They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Why thank you,' the woman responded. 'That may very well be the solution.'


The next day she took her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'You can put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.'


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.


Seamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

'Don't worry,' Murphy replied. 'Just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamiesons.


'Bejaysus!' exclaimed Seamus. 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'


Murphy gave his friend a sly grin.

'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!

They downed their drinks.

'Right,' said Murphy. 'I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm blind drunk and me knees are killing me!'


'How do you think I feel?' replied Murphy. 'I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.'