The Friday Funny

Mitchell Johnson was so depressed after the Barmy Army's character assassination that he decided to throw himself under a bus.

His first four tries missed the road completely and never even got off the pavement (although he was once slightly nudged by an old lady with a shopping trolley). With his next effort he made it right over the road into the cycle lane, only to end up completely unhurt after being gently lofted into a bush by a twelve year old girl on a pink bicyle (also unhurt).On his sixth and final attempt he at last managed to land on the bus lane. However, the bus driver saw him coming a mile off, and calmy drove around him with all the time in the world.

Zat wrote:Here's one. It's really funny.

There was this bloke called Andrew.

He picked a bunch of cricketers to play for Australia.

Thought they would win the Ashes.

Then afterwards, when they'd been flogged by an innings in three of the matches, said he and his fellow selectors had done a good job.

How funny is that?

(And it's Friday, too...)

You could turn it into a musical.

'Howzat - The Musical' ?

"Little NSP of Horrors"?

"Andrew and His Amazing Technicolour Delusions"?

"Farqin Topbottom of the Opera"?

"Thoroughly Mediocre Midge"?

"OLIVER!" ?

"Punter, you Wagon"

"Sh:t Cargo"?


"Les Miserables"?

"Duck Soup"?

"Wicket!" ?

Or of course (again if you are an Aussie):

"CA(N)TS"

"Strauss: Terrific" ?

Brez overdoing the celebrations though:

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

hmmm.

What cracker did you pull that one out of?

lidl?

What do you call an Aussie selector who keeps getting it wrong?







Anything you like; he's not listening.

A guy is walking down the street and he´s feeling really horny. So in he goes to the first brothel he sees. Unfortunately he only has five dollars, so they
kick him out.

So the guy moves on to the next brothel. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

By this time, he´s really superhorny, so he goes to the next establishment and says: "Look, I only have five dollars. I´m feeling really, really horny and I need a BJ for 5 dollars!"

The guy there looks at him thoughtfully and says: "OK, for five dollars we can give you a penguin."

"A penguin? What the ******´s a penguin?"

"You´ll see soon enough."

So the guy takes the horny man's 5 dollars and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The man duly unzips his pants, sits on the bed and waits for his "penguin".

Soon a customer service officer (female) comes in and starts giving the guy a BJ. Not bad. But just as he´s about to let go, she stops abruptly and walks out of the room.

The horny guy with his pants waddles after her, pants round his ankles, shouting...

"HEY! WHERE´S THAT PENGUIN I PAID FOR? WHERE'S THAT FUKCING PENGUIN?!"

Which cricketer features in the Green Cross Code?

Luke Wright
Luke Left
Luke Wright again...






(coat already on)

PeterCS wrote:"Little NSP of Horrors"?

"Andrew and His Amazing Technicolour Delusions"?

"Farqin Topbottom of the Opera"?

"Thoroughly Mediocre Midge"?

"OLIVER!" ?

"Punter, you Wagon"

"Sh:t Cargo"?


"Les Miserables"?

"Duck Soup"?

"Wicket!" ?

a few more suggestions:

Gash spell
Idle Andy
Pyrites of penis-hands
salaud daze

The Rocky Horrible Pitcher Show

(when Midge was bowling)

'Marey Pontings / 'Mareish Pup Innings?

The Nightmare After Christmas ...

"Go f*ck yourself. Oh, wait..."

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please.

Eventually Barack Obama has a massive heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a pond. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over again.
"No, this is no good; I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied above his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Jeez BD and Jonts, where are you excavating this material from.

Well, BD has adapted my Scouser / Manc version from months back and mine was emailed to me earlier this week. So, sorry it's a few days old, Taips, but if you read the thread title you'll see that I couldn't paste it until today.
Impatient Saffie qunt.

Impatient?

I read some of these"jokes" over 10 years ago.

How did the Jaapies know about Obama over 10 years ago?

You can't beat a W G Grace of a joke.

Watch this. Jokes.