The Friday Funny

Old but gold.

Another old but gold one:

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary
When the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I
Made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My
Love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you,
Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .....'

A men's foursome were waiting patiently at the men's tee while a fourball of ladies were driving off the ladies' tee.

The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.

Then she went over, swished at it, missing it completely.

She then hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.  

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,
"I suppose all those bloody lessons I took over the winter didn't really help. . . did they ?!"  

To which, one of the men immediately responded,  
"Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!"  

He never even had a chance to duck the incoming 9 iron . . . .  

Dead at 43 .......

 

On a similar theme of saying the wrong thing .......

A couple are wandering around an agricultural show, and pass the stalls of prize bulls.

Wife sees the one with the third place rosette and says " look at this - it says that this bull mated 52 times last year, that's once a week. You could learn from him. The man grunts.

A few stalls later, she's even more excited at seeing the second placed bull. ""Oooh" she squeals, " it says here that this one mated 120 times last year. I wish he could talk, you'd be able to learn from him how he manages it."

" Hmm, very impressive, I agree" says the chap.

When she sees the winning bull, she's beside herself , tugging hubbys sleeve and prodding him, squealing with excitement.  "Look at that - says here that he was mated 364 times last year ....... every single day except one. He must be the happiest bull alive. You could learn a thing or two from him. I wish you were so virile. Lets ask the farmer how he manages it."

His last words were " Bet it wasn't the same old cow every bloody day though ........"

Ouch.

  @ The Growler!

Heh.

A man walks into a Police Station and says: "Officer, I'd like to report someone for wasting police time."

"Okay," the officer says, "when did the incident take place?"

The man replies, "When did what incident take place?"

A man is sitting in a restaurant in Oz. He looks out of the window and sees a possum gliding between a couple of trees.

"Hey, waiter!", he yells, "There's a flying marsupial!"

Last Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a drop-dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?”

Merlin wrote:Last Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a drop-dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me.  It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?”

 

A teenage boy comes down for breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
           
'Not yet,' said the boy.
           
His mother advises him that there will be no breakfast until he does his chores.
           
He's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
           
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
           
He returns for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
           
'How come I don't get any bacon and eggs, and where's the milk in my cereal?' he asks.
           
'Well,'  his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so no eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for you for a week either.  I saw you kick the cow so you aren't getting any milk for a week.'
           
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast in a bit of a mood and kicked the cat halfway across the kitchen.
           
The boy looked up at his mother with a glint in his eye, and asks,
           
'Are you going to tell him or shall I?'

Good stuff Merlo!

snigger... Needn't worry though, he'd still find many a cow in the farm.

Or he could just keep kicking against the pricks.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
'What time of night to be getting home do you call this?"
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Your Dinner is cold and I'm sure as hell not reheating it'.
And on and on and on. . . .
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a glass of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bath pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had, after all, been granted a stay
of execution, and as such, Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
 
'Errr. . . They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
 
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Q:  "Why is it that sharks don't attack solicitors?"
 
A: "Professional courtesy."

OK, if we're recycling ancient lines:

Two men are out fishing at their favourite spot - just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jack says, 'I think I'm 
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' 

Bill continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says 
... 'You might want to think it over - women like that are hard to find!'

Growler wrote:

A couple are wandering around an agricultural show, and pass the stalls of prize bulls.

Wife sees the one with the third place rosette and says " look at this - it says that this bull mated 52 times last year, that's once a week. You could learn from him. The man grunts.

A few stalls later, she's even more excited at seeing the second placed bull. ""Oooh" she squeals, " it says here that this one mated 120 times last year. I wish he could talk, you'd be able to learn from him how he manages it."

" Hmm, very impressive, I agree" says the chap.

When she sees the winning bull, she's beside herself , tugging hubbys sleeve and prodding him, squealing with excitement.  "Look at that - says here that he was mated 364 times last year ....... every single day except one. He must be the happiest bull alive. You could learn a thing or two from him. I wish you were so virile. Lets ask the farmer how he manages it."

His last words were " Bet it wasn't the same old cow every bloody day though ........"

possibly the best on this thread

c'mon bigdog ...please provide a return of your Friday funnies

nonetheless...the return of the Friday Funny is much appreciated

esp as X is not playing and we do not have much to laugh about   

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two
Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent
a car and drive for miles.
Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

“The England football team went to an orphanage in Rio on Wednesday.

‘It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jose, aged six.