Re: The Football Thread - 10/11

by DJ_Smerk Wed 12 Jan 2011, 18:34

How many goals will Liverpoo lose by tonight?

3/4?

by LeFromage Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:18

They lost by one whole goal. You were close with 3/4 - just a 1/4 out.

by beamer Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:23

taipan wrote:During an interview, it was suggested that Kenny Dalglish may not be quite up to speed and slightly out of touch with modern day football... Dalglish replied '' I cannae wait to get back into football and challenge the big teams like Nottingham Forest for the 1st division title again !!

No chance, we'll pass them coming the other way when we go up this season...

Blackpool in a "net" sixth place if they win their games in hand. What price Europe?

by JKLever Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:25

Ipswich 1 Arsenal 0... what a farkin relief after saturday. Will get smashed when the gooners do all their fancy stuff in the 2nd leg of course but i'll take it after the disaster of a season we've had.

by LeFromage Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:26

Keane out!

Oh.

by Zat Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:26

beamer wrote:What price Europe?

If you have to ask, then you can't afford it.

Yes, that'd be my coat, the brown one...

by DJ_Smerk Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:27

Lavorpell.

Gut out that farking defence and sign up a big man with some farking balls who can keep them tight.

Christopher Samba, Tim Cahill or even Kaboul from Spurs would suffice.

by LeFromage Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:29

DJ_Smerk wrote:

Gut out that farking defence and sign up a big man with some farking balls who can keep them tight.

Christopher Samba, Tim Cahill or even Kaboul from Spurs would suffice.

What the gibbering f*ckbuckets are you on about? A big man with balls to keep them tight? Where? Your suggestions are two centre backs and a small forward.

by DJ_Smerk Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:33

Dello wrote:
DJ_Smerk wrote:

Gut out that farking defence and sign up a big man with some farking balls who can keep them tight.

Christopher Samba, Tim Cahill or even Kaboul from Spurs would suffice.

What the gibbering f*ckbuckets are you on about? A big man with balls to keep them tight? Where? Your suggestions are two centre backs and a small forward.

Meh.

by DJ_Smerk Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:36

I think it's time to quit the bails to save myself any further embarrassment brought on by own stupidity. I feel after 3 plus years, now is the right time.

by LeFromage Wed 12 Jan 2011, 22:38

But then who will keep the Welsh flag flying in the cricket world?

Simon Jones is finished.

by Zat Wed 12 Jan 2011, 23:09

Smerk - typical of the Welsh - can't even flounce properly.

by Basil Thu 13 Jan 2011, 00:38

JKLever wrote:Ipswich 1 Arsenal 0... what a farkin relief after saturday. Will get smashed when the gooners do all their fancy stuff in the 2nd leg of course but i'll take it after the disaster of a season we've had.

Your boys were well worth it JK. I fear for them in the return game though.

by beamer Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:39

Fabregas accuses Ipswich of "playing rugby"... they seem to have this belief that every supposedly inferior team should just let them play, roll over and lose by 6 or 7 goals.

Perhaps they think because they stick to their footballing philosophy when they play Barcelona and get hammered, then they've got a right to expect weaker teams to do the same thing against them, and not exploit the fact they've got a crap keeper, a dodgy central defence and still haven't replaced Vieira after 6 years.

by Jontyh Fri 14 Jan 2011, 15:42

QUESTIONNAIRE: Are you Emile Heskey?

Take this test to see whether you are indeed Aston Villa and England lump Emile Heskey or, in fact, a half-decent player who actually produces the goods that your position requires...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper
and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then
it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you f*ck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird sh!ts on you
from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the f*ck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of sh!t on a skateboard....?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area.
How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from West Brom.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a
smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely
outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your
hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard
dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old
boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless
twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Liverpool?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in
history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because
of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it
and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are Emile Heskey and you're f*cking crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

by Basil Fri 14 Jan 2011, 16:51

If this is all your own work, it's a piece of genius!

by beamer Fri 14 Jan 2011, 22:24

Doing a bit of a search it's around 9 years old... still a work of genius though!

by Jontyh Fri 14 Jan 2011, 22:42

Aye - dug it out of the archives when I was bored at work today.
Was when Heskey was being particularly rubbish at Liverpool and from a fansite if memory serves. Still makes me laugh.

by LeFromage Fri 14 Jan 2011, 23:01

As true today as it ever was.

One of those players who was quite promising at 17 and never got the slightest bit better over the course of their career.

by beamer Fri 14 Jan 2011, 23:19

See also Joe Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips, etc... in fact most players seen as great prospects for England over the last decade or so.

by LeFromage Fri 14 Jan 2011, 23:31

Cole was better than quite promising. He looked brilliant. As a central midfielder - a less kicky, more dribble-y Paul Scholes.

Pissed his entire career away as a sort of winger.

by beamer Sat 15 Jan 2011, 10:36

Joe Cole is certainly an outstanding natural talent, but one of those players who has just never seemed to establish himself in one position. I guess he's ended up in wide positions most of the time due to not really having the physical presence for central midfield, you might think just behind the main striker would suit him but that hasn't really worked out either. When he joined Liverpool I heard him described as a "promising 28-year-old" which I think sums up his career quite well.

Shows pure talent isn't enough, you have to find a role and make it your own to have a great career. Admittedly a different case to Heskey, a striker who never learnt how to score, and SWP, a winger who never learnt how to cross it.

by Basil Sat 15 Jan 2011, 10:58

Sky are reporting that Avram Grant will be handed his P45 sometime over the weekend to be replaced by Martin O'neill

by skully Sat 15 Jan 2011, 11:54

I wonder what Smerkles thinks?

by beamer Sat 15 Jan 2011, 12:09

Surprising move for O'Neill if this is true, I thought at this stage after how things ended up at Villa he would probably only come back to a job with top four prospects, and if that didn't materialise he would go abroad or into international management. West Ham is a long-term project, could be rebuilding in the Championship and with owners who are not known for being easy to work for, so a fair chance of it ending up as a rare failure on his CV.

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