Australia v England, 3rd ODI, Sydney, 19 January, 2014

2-0. Looked to be a few injuries in both sides.

great reverse woof

Rankin - gone. Has to be. Can't finish a game. What the actual f*ck?
Bresnan - gone. Has to be. He's just nothing.
Root - gone. Batting's at Finn Factor Five. Missed that delivery from Johnson - that wasn't especially fast - by miles. And then wasted the team's review again. His neat spin bowling isn't enough. They might as well pick a front line spinner.

Stokes needs to bat higher and bowl less. He's thoroughly wasted at eight, and not good for 10 overs. Start him at five overs as one of the "it could be his day, it could not" bowlers, sharing the fifth option role with Bopara.

I don't know what else they can do. The squad's looking ever more horrible. I'm on the brink of naming Chris Woakes in my side. That's what it's come to. I'm even considering calling Jade Dernbach into the squad, having seen him sitting on the England bench today as part of the T20 gang.

These are the rum times, gentlemen.

Let's say...

Carberry
Bell
Stokes
Ballance
Morgan *
Bopara
Buttler +
Woakes
Broad
Jordan
Trewdell

Pretty grim, but what can you do? Six bowling options, and maybe Carbs could turn his arm over for giggles.

5-0

I think as with Adelaide on 06/07, 5-0 was pretty much confirmed today.

England did beat the PMs XI though. No-one can take that from this team.

Stokes? Not good for 5 overs. Tonkalicious doesn't even cut it.

Brass Monkey wrote:Stokes? Not good for 5 overs. Tonkalicious doesn't even cut it.

But England playing like this provides lots of material for you and Dello to express your creative juices.

Tonight must have inflicted a mortal wound though.  Cook needs a lot of forbearance just to front up these days.

England's scriptwriter is cruel.

Interesting to note that Faulkner and Bevan have both hit twenty-one sixes in their ODI careers with the main difference being that the former has played in 14 matches while the latter played 232.  

I have no creative juices. I have a massive hatred of the current England side that only the Australians can match. They can go and royally f*ck themselves. Captain Vapid at the helm whose tactics have been written on a Postit note... Tim Bresnan - a shoo-in - averages 36.5 after 78 matches, cannot bat.. if they can't get the message by now then they're bigger half-wits than I ever imagined. The lolloping giant of Boyd Warwickshire who stunningly cannot get through a match without donkeying out, two consummate powerplay wasters at the top of the order, a f*cking nephew who makes you cry at three and a fat gerbil at four - the lower order are in constant desperation to redeem the pedestrian tossers at the top of the order. Their tactics are so incredibly hackneyed that it constantly astounds me to the point that I wonder whether they just turn up for team meetings and play Xbox.

The above suggests that I GAF about ODIs. That couldn't be further from the truth. Five friendlies mean nothing. My beef is simply that these dickheads are getting paid a shitload to come up with the most stunningly ordinary of gameplans. Couple that with the heavily nepotistic selection policy based purely on niceness (and/or Warwickshire) and stick a massive wedge of no accountability on top and my head starts to swirl to the point that I wonder how I ever even liked the game of cricket.

Plot:

Same side picked with Rankin out and broad in!

Slow start to Eng innings, Cook SR 60, out for a few? Root continues to play, as his bowling was very useful. I reckon he gives himself out and breaks down in tears for single figures.

One of the middle order or Bell get a nice 70 at an SR of 75, and then the lower order smash a few. England 20 below par!

Australia innings, we bowl okay, they give us a couple of wickets, but stay up with the rate. We get a couple more wickets and in the game. An Aus batter dares to hit a few, our bowlers soil their pants and bowl like 8 year olds, Aus win handsomely.

Interview of captains & coach: Timmy was brilliant, those long hops were perfect it was just the batter played them ever so well etc.....

W@nkers!

Here's the next scenario: a lot of confused English faces as their half-trackers get trounced into the stands, followed by confused English faces as they get out for a 20-ball 4.

Cook needs to drop himself. Really. Or someone needs to drop him. James Whittaker should drop him right into his teeming chocolate factory. Morgan should captain this lot. Or me. I can do a thoroughly better job captaining from my couch. But oh, so can thousands of England fans, who watch that dopey-eyed mascara boy make every mistake in the book so haplessly that we'd all be quietly relieved if he's assassinated.

I want a tantrum. I want someone from the England team to step out of the bubble and criticise the whole f*cking lot of them. An outsider. Morgan, perhaps. Tell the world how the England setup is an embarrassing homage to stifle-ness. Tell them how the size of c*cls and the quality of fellatio decide a team, rather than skill with bat and ball. Scream from the top of the hills. Sell your story to The Sun. Expose this shambles, put them in the stocks, and pelt them with rotten fruit.

*breath....breath*

lardbucket wrote:England did beat the PMs XI though. No-one can take that from this team.

PMS XI. You may finally have a reason England won that one.


Apart from that, it's all been PMSL for Aus.

holcs wrote:Plot:

Same side picked with Rankin out and broad in!

Slow start to Eng innings, Cook SR 60, out for a few? Root continues to play, as his bowling was very useful. I reckon he gives himself out and breaks down in tears for single figures.

One of the middle order or Bell get a nice 70 at an SR of 75, and then the lower order smash a few. England 20 below par!

Australia innings, we bowl okay, they give us a couple of wickets, but stay up with the rate. We get a couple more wickets and in the game. An Aus batter dares to hit a few, our bowlers soil their pants and bowl like 8 year olds, Aus win handsomely.

Interview of captains & coach: Timmy was brilliant, those long hops were perfect it was just the batter played them ever so well etc.....

W@nkers!

No, they'll be so mentally shot after what happened today they'll be bowled out for 80 in this one, and Australia will get there within 10 overs.

Maybe back to the usual formula for the game after that.

so Doherty in for McKay

Give Patto a blast, FFS.

Oh god no not another one.

'lolloping giant'

'a fat gerbil at 4'

'dopey eyed mascara boy'

Good fighting words, men.

Dello wrote:Rankin - gone. Has to be. Can't finish a game. What the actual f*ck?
Bresnan - gone. Has to be. He's just nothing.
Root - gone. Batting's at Finn Factor Five. Missed that delivery from Johnson - that wasn't especially fast - by miles. And then wasted the team's review again. His neat spin bowling isn't enough. They might as well pick a front line spinner.

Do we even have a front line spinner? Aside from Monty i'm not sure one exists in England and for some reason after a couple of average games he's persona non grata (whilst 10 shit games and you'll still get picked).

lardbucket wrote:'lolloping giant'

'a fat gerbil at 4'

'dopey eyed mascara boy'

Good fighting words, men.

It's not for the supporters to put up the fight. They pay and suffer.

The fight should come from those who are picked and paid to play.

Gary 111 wrote:

Dello wrote:Rankin - gone. Has to be. Can't finish a game. What the actual f*ck?
Bresnan - gone. Has to be. He's just nothing.
Root - gone. Batting's at Finn Factor Five. Missed that delivery from Johnson - that wasn't especially fast - by miles. And then wasted the team's review again. His neat spin bowling isn't enough. They might as well pick a front line spinner.

Do we even have a front line spinner? Aside from Monty i'm not sure one exists in England and for some reason after a couple of average games he's persona non grata (whilst 10 shit games and you'll still get picked).

Yes, Tredwell's record in ODIs is surprisingly good. Bresnan's is not surprisingly bad. And who gets picked?

Common sense long left this side. But you still feel they genuinely think they're on the right track. It's baffling.

Yeah, but Tredmill's ODI career has always had an air of teams don't care about him, if the match actually matters he's guaranteed a 0-63 and a nine ball duck. Plus he's barely a spinner, more a slow bowler.

Batty, Hemmings or someone could probably still turn their arm over.

Hang on - can Gilo get himself a player registration? We need a laugh ...

PeterCS wrote:Batty, Hemmings or someone could probably still turn their arm over.

Hang on - can Gilo get himself a player registration? We need a laugh ...

Giles would have closed out that match last night.

Aus would have got there in legside wides?

Gary 111 wrote:

Dello wrote:Rankin - gone. Has to be. Can't finish a game. What the actual f*ck?
Bresnan - gone. Has to be. He's just nothing.
Root - gone. Batting's at Finn Factor Five. Missed that delivery from Johnson - that wasn't especially fast - by miles. And then wasted the team's review again. His neat spin bowling isn't enough. They might as well pick a front line spinner.

Do we even have a front line spinner? Aside from Monty i'm not sure one exists in England and for some reason after a couple of average games he's persona non grata (whilst 10 shit games and you'll still get picked).

Monteh is moonlighting on Foxsports News these days, sniggering at the pissweak effort of the current English JAMODI squad.