Dave Barry on Colonoscopies...

Dave Barry is an internationally known syndicated newspaper columnist, this is from his colonoscopy journal:
It is a bit long, but a must read passage. I'm a big fan of Dave Barry, and I believe this is an example of why! Very funny, particularly for those who have gone through this procedure.
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I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ASS!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

On the subject of Colonoscopies:

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Charles Lindbergh yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


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I like the idea of colonic irrigation.

I guess the humour slides past most. I was in stitches.

jr, having had a colleague at the office go through a colonoscopy a year or so ago, to his great annoyance/shame/suffering, and our mirth, I thought this was brilliant.

Might put it up on his desk later.

PMSL. My screen is wet with green tea mixed with spit. So's my keyboard. And now my fingers too. Damn you, Dave Barry.

Pinky, at least you weren't drinking MoviPrep.

"you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet."

Hilarious!

Zat wrote:jr, having had a colleague at the office go through a colonoscopy a year or so ago, to his great annoyance/shame/suffering, and our mirth, I thought this was brilliant.

Might put it up on his desk later.

My next door neighbour is on the verge of going through one and he's nervous as hell. You can literally see how he walks around with his bums clasped together. Mental exposure, I guess

I've been thinking of e-mailing this to him but thought better of it. Think I should wait till he's gone through with it lest he crumble. His colonist is a female, the lucky bastard.

This is some good reading Jim, never heard of this guy until now!

"The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground."


ROFLCOPTER!

We give something similar to dogs called "cleanprep" when they need scoping, you can't explain to the poor things what's happening....

I liked the space shuttle taking off metaphor.
I've also heard the sound of that explosive kind of dump - usually the result of a night on the Joseph Holts - described as a "flock of starlings taking off".
That MoviPrep must be potent..

I can remember PMSL over Dave Barry way back when I were still in Tassie. He seems to have gotten even funnier over the years.

ps: Daoes anyone know how to clean chocolate off a monitor?

freddled gruntbuggly wrote:I can remember PMSL over Dave Barry way back when I were still in Tassie. He seems to have gotten even funnier over the years.

ps: Daoes anyone know how to clean chocolate off a monitor?

Tongue

Considering what else is on there, can I borrow your tongue?

jim rich wrote:

Zat wrote:jr, having had a colleague at the office go through a colonoscopy a year or so ago, to his great annoyance/shame/suffering, and our mirth, I thought this was brilliant.

Might put it up on his desk later.

My next door neighbour is on the verge of going through one and he's nervous as hell. You can literally see how he walks around with his bums clasped together. Mental exposure, I guess

I've been thinking of e-mailing this to him but thought better of it. Think I should wait till he's gone through with it lest he crumble. His colonist is a female, the lucky bastard.

While my colleague was having his done, we were inspired by an episode of Senifeld. When he got back to work, he found these stuck all over the place in varying sizes and prominence.


We laughed, he did - eventually.

FAO skully.

Hehehe, nice find.

I'm glad I was reading that at home and not at work, because I was laughing so uncontrollably that you'd swear I'd just taken some MoviPrep!

How are you feeling Zat?

BTW, why do you have two vases as your avatar?

How am I feeling? Strangely empty and very tired.

And my avatar? It is what it is...

Fancy a kebab?

NAh, just some more sleep.

Zat wrote:NAh, just some more sleep.

Soft Aussies.

I was going to say stick it up you arse...