The Friday Funny

Jontyh wrote:A depressed young woman from Belfast was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for" he said. "I'm off to America in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".

"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.

"He's screwing me," said the girl sheepishly.

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Stranraer to Larne ferry."

Old one, but still good

Bob's reminded me of this one:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little
old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at
the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Stevie then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. The
little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,
play a Jazz chord".
Stevie dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the
B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild
with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man
jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass,
you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing........ "A jazz chord to say I ruv you...!!"

Bono, lead singer of U2, is known throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started clapping his hands, once every few minutes. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent suddenly pierced the quiet...

"Well, f*cking stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

On the same theme the Pope visits the Territory with it's (then) open speed limits. After a hard day tending to the multitudes at Mararra (sports field in Darwin) he wants to let off a little steam. So he turns to the driver of his Popemobile and says,

"Move over Pedro, I feel the need for speed".

So off they go and the Popemobile being the Popemobile and designed to go about a thousand miles an hour takes off down the Stuart Highway (long ****** road to Adelaide) as fast as it can.

Well despite there being no speed limit there are still reckless driving laws and 30 minutes later just before Katherine (redneck haven about 300km south of Darwin) they're pulled over.

The young copper is in a quandry as to what to do so he calls it in.

"Boss I've just pulled up this vehicle doing about a thousand miles an hour but I don't think I can issue a ticket".

His Boss, a very proper and incorruptible bloke (Coppers in the NT are notorious for their incorruptibility 'coz there's not enough money in the place to bribe the local parking meter guy let alone an officer of the law. Their efficiency is another matter.) explains that he doesn't care who's in the car, book the bastards.

"It's not that easy Boss", wails the rookie.

'I don't give a shit. No favours here. Who have you got anyway?"

"Well I don't know but his chauffeur's the Pope."

mynah wrote:Bono, lead singer of U2, is known throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started clapping his hands, once every few minutes. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent suddenly pierced the quiet...

"Well, f*cking stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

Not new, but still brings a smile . . .

PMSL at all those music ones. Made my night.

Our next State President and his latest wife at their wedding. (I wonder if that is a warning from Mrs Zuma no 9 (I think) that his roaming days are over?)

Not sure if I like her bra or his trainers best.

Aye, I say take a machete to the varlet.


To be fair though, he dances better than Mbeki.

mynah wrote:Our next State President and his latest wife at their wedding. (I wonder if that is a warning from Mrs Zuma no 9 (I think) that his roaming days are over?)

Class. Traditional Zulu garb with designer takkies.

Will he get Klusener placed as the new SA captain?

I played a gig on wednesday and we were having some technical problems, namely two of the mics had stopped working and some techies were crawling about on stage desperately trying to fix them. To keep the quite large and increasingly restless crowd entertained, our singer suggested someone tell a joke. I volunteered. There was a murmur of protest from the rest of the band. In the words of our guitarist, 'I was just of stage and heard Pm tell the crowd Ben was going to tell a joke, but I didn't panic cause I thought he had to be winding them up.'

So, anyway, I launched into this old classic:

'There were two mexicans, Juan and Pepe, walking through a desert, miles from anywhere. Unfortunately, they weren't very clever mexicans, and had already run out of food and water with no real prospect of acquiring any more. Suffice to say, they were in a spot of bother.

So, as they trudged through the desert, battling raging thirst and awful hunger, slowly losing hope, suddenly an enchanting waft caressed their noses on a previously nonexistent breeze. They turn and look at each other, in disbelief, for it is clearly the unmistakable scent of delicious bacon.

'Hey Pepe', says Juan 'Did you just smell what I just smelled?'

'Ay, Pepe, I did, I did!'

Surely this was some kind of mirage, I mean, bacon in the desert? But no, who has ever heard of a smell-mirage? What kind of ridiculous notion is that?

So they reach the crest of the sand dune, their pace quickening, and they see a few hundred yards in front of them, a tree laden with bacony goodness. There's back bacon, side bacon, front bacon, smoked bacon, unsalted bacon, any kind of bacon two starving and lost mexicans could ever possibly want. Naturally, they start running towards this miraculous plant, they're truly saved!

Juan, even keener than Pepe to embark on this feast, breaks away, he's got a remarkable turn of speed for a man who hasn't eaten for days. All of a sudden, just a few tantalising feet from the tree, a shot rings out in the quiet of the desert, BANG!

Juan falls to the floor like a ragdoll, shot through the chest. He turns to his companion, a look of profound sadness in his eyes, and calls out with his dying breath 'Pepe, Pepe, turn back quickly! Is not bacon tree!'





'Is ham bush!'




The silence emanating from the crowd was matched only by the complete inability of the rest of my band to speak through the laughter. Unfortunately, as they put it, the joke was crap, the fact that a tall skinny man with big hair and a posh voice chose to tell that particular joke to angry music fans in a fairly insalubrious part of Portsmouth was unmitigatedly hilarious.

2 Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down
and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help
and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the
wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the
bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to
leave. "Ar hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains
that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers
put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he
take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their
motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets
off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC
Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is
carrying to which he replies "Scouse Eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't
believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly
shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate
backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what
emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with
20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have
managed to nick a motorbike already".

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR AN ANCIENT JOKE.

But hey, it is a Friday

A guy was going out with a girl called Lorraine Lee. However, much as he tried to deny it to himself, he fancied the pants off her much sexier sister, Claire. He knew Claire fancied him too. (Or so at least he thought.) He really was in a dilemma, because his girlfriend was a nice girl and all, he didn't want to be an absolute bastard and walk out on her if he could help it..

Then one day Lorraine suddenly announced to him that she had had enough of her present life, and was off on a world trip the very next day.

The guy tried (half-heartedly) to protest, but she was adamant.

So he saw her off.

On his way home, an old friend bumped into him, and said "Hey, what's up with you? You've got a grin on your face like a Cheshire cat!"

The guy said ... "Well, ... you see, it's very simple .... [*sings*:]
I can see Claire Lee, now Lorraine has gone."

You're only forgiven because it's Friday...

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

An FBI officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The FBI officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me." He reaches into his rear pant pocket and removes his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the FBI officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

A guy calls a company and orders its 5-day, 10 lb. weight-loss programme.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads:

'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20lb programme.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but he has no chance. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50lb programme.

'Are you quite sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous programme.'

'Absolutely,' he replies. 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in the fun.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted . "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and Ethel sped off down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted ...
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drinks coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "OK ... Carry on."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, a smiling Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked and holding Captain Todger in his hand.

"Oh, bugger," said Ethel slamming on the brakes, "not the bloody breathalyzer test again!"

WTF? Still Friday in so`em places, atleast until I sleep.

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail - none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out Of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and Were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the Female, 'Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. '

I found this Beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.


It was to me, and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it.




'An Aussie Summer'


A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre








******, It's Hot

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ' Mon! Mon! Ou got dem on de wrong feet!'

In what part of the world is it Friday today? FFS, is it so hard to do this on a Friday? I literally went crazy last Friday waiting for someone to post one f*cking joke.