The Friday Funny

A teacher at High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Goodonya Mr Dog

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing on the adjacent green.
The ball bounced and hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, dropped to the ground and began to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed across to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'I’m so sorry,’ she said kneeling beside him, ‘Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me to’.

'Oh, no, thank you,’ the man replied, ‘ I'll be all right…. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, undid his zip, loosened his pants, warmed her hands by rubbing them together and then put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes before asking, 'How does that feel'?

‘ It feels great’ he replied, ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

I know it is not Friday, but I just read this and it did make me laugh.

The Trump Boys help dad on Trade Wars

They're obviously not in the loop if they're threatening Asian takeaways rather than French restaurants

Actually I'm sort of s maths dud , but if you give x a value I could sort that.

Bradman wrote:Actually I'm sort of s maths dud , but if you give x a value I could sort that.

I think that is kind of the point.

Looking at it again, that weird farking symbol in front of the brackets might screw me.

Its greek to me.

Greek should be have a nobler cause.

Simplifies to 1/16(-202\/2 - 135log(3-2\/2)) = -2.9813.

Not sure if pin codes can have minus signs and decimals. I'm guessing the pin is thus 29813.

I have the same pin for everything. Makes life simpler.

Indeed, Q.

Solved it. 42.

Sad news. The guy who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

taipan wrote:Sad news. The guy who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

That's worth more than a golf clap.

marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

 To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…

taipan wrote:Sad news. The guy who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

May he rust in piss.

Hehehe

The ATO returned a man's tax return
after he answered one of the questions as honestly as possible.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", the
man wrote, "300,000 Illegal immigrants, 200,000 junkies, 1
million unemployable scroungers, 20,000 criminals in over 15 prisons
plus 150 idiots in Parliament and an entire group that call themselves
politicians."

The ATO stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man responded, "Who did I leave out?"