Australia v England, 5th Test, Hobart, 14-18 January, 2022

Joe - you don't have to swear your head off of call them all a pack of chocolate teapots or grandstand to the cameras and the SBM cretins like a wannabee Mickey Malthouse, but you can show a lot more GAF than that. That long-suffering sigh and shrug and weak grin just don't help anybody.

furriner wrote:Am cheering for England. Feel dirty.

Are you Mr K in disguise.

I notice that Lord Beefy called them gutless. Boland came in late last night and got behind every ball.

Wood's bowling was great though.

Fred Nerk wrote:Joe - you don't have to swear your head off of call them all a pack of chocolate teapots

Wish he had done, and given a resignation speech for the ages…

And so England's latest quest for the Ashes down under comes to a somewhat unconvincing end.


Apart from the evergreen James Anderson, sporadically Wood (why not the new ball???) and briefly Stuart Broad (bowling only), only Dan Lawrence, Ben Foakes, Saqib Mahmood and Matt Parkinson emerge with their reputation enhanced.


Boris Johnson must have sent the squad a video message before every Test, in his cricket whites and with a COME ON ENGLAND! (WIN IT FOR ME!) banner billowing in a breeze from his arse. (He invariably does this, arse breeze apart, before England nosedive in any final of the rugby, football or trade negotiations. As soon as he does it, instant curse & assured kiss of death.)


Cummins is a very fine captain, bowler and fellow. And in Boland and perhaps Green, the range of bowlers at Australia's disposal just grows. Head was tops, and an unexpectedly profitable late blooming - even against this increasing shambles of an England team - from Khawaja. Even Carey threw in a claim right at the end - though all that dropping of catches will presumably work against his inclusion as a sure #1. Give Paine a chance.

The Lord of the Beefster was not a cheerful camper re the Reiffel no-ball call either.

Wood and a fit Archer with Robinson as third banana is the makings of a decent attack, but even Roberts Holding & Garner & co needed a few batsmen and a defendable target to bowl at.

What a cracking win.

At 0-68 England had every right to feel like they were in with a chance. But 10-56 later, it was all over.

Very few negatives for Aus in the series. Harris's failure to take his chances is just about the only one.

The bowling group, lead by Starc and Cummins, was immense. Hazy had a good 1st Test before injury took him out. In came Jhye Richardson to take a michelle. Then there was Scott Boland who must think Test cricket is easy, such was his impact on the series. Cam Green looks to have miles of potential as the long sought after batting allrounder in the Aus side. And Gaz Lyon did his bit with 14 wickets.

It was a bowler's series on 5 juicy wickets, so it was clear that Travis Head was MoS. His 1st ton set up the series opening win, and his 2nd set up the 4th win for his team. Oozy chimed in with back-to-back tons in Sydney. Warner was good early, as was Labuschagne and Smith. Cam Green made 2 50s to go with his handy bag of wickets (including the first 3 in today's winning bowling effort). He could be anything.

And Alex Carey, for the most part, was very solid. Sound with the gloves and added a 50 and a 49.

All-in-all, a brilliant team performance.

"You can't win Test matches if you don't score 200 in either innings," Joe Root tells BT Sport.

A phrase comes to mind, something about the lack of excrement and a famous detective…

The Age marks players out of 10 after each Test. Warner could score -1. I'm tipping our non-bowling No 11 in both innings to pick up 4 for his runs and today's catch. Half the England team might scrape up 10 between them.

beamer wrote:"You can't win Test matches if you don't score 200 in either innings," Joe Root tells BT Sport.

A phrase comes to mind, something about the lack of excrement and a famous detective…

With that kind of withering insight, his spot on TMS is assured - unless he takes up a prof-ship at Harvard in rocket science instead

Well, it's not brain surgery.

Utterly pathetic and embarrassing to watch.

Well done Oz, but we sure as hell made things easy for you.

Burns and Buttler have probably played their last tests. Hameed's technique has been dismantled and requires urgent remedial work, so he will probably not go to the West Indies.

I would be sorely tempted not to pick Robinson either unless he can pass stringent fitness tests.

Great to see a game where the bowlers were on top for most of the time and batsmen had to really work for their runs.

One upon a time we used to talk about good ‘bad wicket’ batsmen ... that hasn’t been a thing for ages given the prevalence of Test cricket roads and big bats (are you listening, Virat?) but Travis Head and Marnus Labuschagne reminded me of that phenomenon during the series, and memories of Dougie Walters.

Well done by the Hobart ground staff.

Yeah, ours just throw in the towel when conditions get tough.

Graham Thorpe comes to mind as someone who made runs in such conditions, remember him making a century in the Caribbean once when nobody else made 30. Seems a chocolate teapot as batting coach, though…

beamer wrote:"You can't win Test matches if you don't score 200 in either innings," Joe Root tells BT Sport.

A phrase comes to mind, something about the lack of excrement and a famous detective…

Poo-less Poirot?

JGK wrote:

beamer wrote:"You can't win Test matches if you don't score 200 in either innings," Joe Root tells BT Sport.

A phrase comes to mind, something about the lack of excrement and a famous detective…

Poo-less Poirot?

Or Crapless Colombo…

Detective No Faeces Falco? or Fox.

No Wipe Wallander

I really enjoyed that final win. The touch of fear as the English openers made their way riding the odd slice of luck and then the familiar slippers of one out, all out.

Kudos to Wood for his bowling, but not much else for England.

For Oz it was great to see Green come on during the series. Every player selected contributed to the series win at some stage.

Constipated Miss Marple.

Root and Anderson in a post-match all-night piss-up with Australian opponents. Makes a change from punches and headbutts, but… the final straw perhaps?

And Graham Thorpe was the one who filmed it, as police arrived etc. Surely the first one out of the door.

Seems there was a culture of drinking and lack of focus among the squad, with families being an added distraction. I appreciate that the mental wellbeing of players is important, particularly given what they’ve had to contend with over the past couple of years, but it seems that actually winning cricket matches slipped well down the priority list on this tour. And if you’re not making the utmost effort to do the job you’re paid for then it’s time for a rethink.