Mental Illness, Neurosis, Depression and Suicide

I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young.

What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch?

You are watching the England game right?

Chivalry Augustus wrote:......My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young. .........

I had the same idea when I was young. For some reason, I stopped believing in it when I grew older.

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young.

What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch?

If these are true words then this is one of the saddest things I've read on here. I can certainly relate to certain aspects. I wish you every luck in your struggle but I would think about speaking to an appropriate therapist if you're not going to medicate.

Chin up Gus. At least you haven't got a UTI. Small mercies...

Wouldn't know what to say to you fella so can only relate to Laras advice above.

I'm with LLL. If true, then that's nasty gear, Gussie. Take it easy man.

My brother (remarkably, the big dicked one) has struggled for years with depression and anxiety. Our family has only just become aware of it after he recently attempted suicide. He is extroverted, charasmatic and the life of any party. But it was all a facade covering a very dark turmoil inside him.

I have a couple of bouts myself, largely due to my wife's and youngest daughter's health and some difficult times at work.

It's a pity we pretend to be big boofy blokes in here and don't take the opportunity as Gussie has. Go well, man.

Someone at my work killed themselves a few months ago. Lot of people devastated. He hadn't told anyone he was bipolar. Left a note for his 7 year old daughter. Sad times.

I can understand it. We were shocked as hell when we found out at my brother's attempt, and the underlying problem. Granted, family incidents will have more gravity, but the thought of anyone having such a dreadful life that they see no option but to top themselves just freaks me out.

I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved.

this is a general problem with western societies. There are rare exceptions. Being without love for a continuous period, the human as a social animal .. is bound to take a hit.

It's very difficult to come out of an ecosystem of 'no love'. It's all about materialism to most. Then the only choice one has is to diversify the search. Go to Japan, go someplace where you never been before and never thought of before and start afresh.

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young. What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch

?

I agree with that but I know someone who took them to stabilise his moods and then developed the will to live and vows he'll never plumb those depths again. People who've had a wretched upbringing are also unlucky but remember that many overcome this and forge happy relationships and lives. They find employment they like which fulfils them and there are relationship offshoots from this even if childhood friends and family aren't available.

Chiv I know and have known people with terminal diseases who would give their right arm for more productive, healthy years to live.

Why is it that I am thinking this is another of this manic sarcastic post of Gus where he comes across as the pinnacle of sarcasm and black humour again?

Well if true, take the pills and see your doc man. if not I marvel at the command of your prose.

If true urban ills claim another one. These days I am divided on whether people who want to die willingly should be stopped or allowed? Or is it one fundamental right we are missing? I believe human lives should also have a maximum cut off date like other animals. Say for eg. 60-65 years. Life sure is a hell after those years as we lose control of our sight, knees, back and become more prone to long periods of sickness and vagaries of old age.

LLL - What your office colleague did was sad. But unforgivable. Anyone heartless enough to dump his 7 year old child to face harsh realities of life by chickening out of his responsibilities won't ever get my sympathy. People who do that come across as cowards to me. Not having the will to live is just a yellow excuse to avoid facing life and it's responsibilities [my own personal view]. Just my own opinion.

Take care of your Bro skully. And your wife and daughter [what happened to them?] Take care you all. Especially you Gus. I only hope you have been stringing the forum with your cynical humor and if not, please meet the right medics and do the right prescribed things. You need once experience a normal state of mind to have a balanced perspective. Right now it's pretty much a one way street and that too in the wrong incoming lane.

Coming to another question - Can anyone on this forum actually be called sane?
And why does the forum list this page in similar topics: http://xplicitperformance.phpbbtest.com/t1105-holy-uncanny-photgraphic-mental-processes-batman

[P.S. For some strange reason [don't ask me how], I have always known I will be dead at 58. My grandfather died at that age by heart attack, my Dad too by a freaking co-incidence at that same age due to brain haemorrhage, so I wonder what new urban calamity will strike me to complete a family hat-trick. But my bets are it will happen when I am 58 too. If not, I will be most happy to beat the zinx]

For the record, I am as normal as.

JGK wrote:For the record, I am as normal as.

..or as close to normal as one possibly get on this forum?

No no no. For this forum I am abnormally normal. I don't really fit in to be honest.

It's not normal to 'adjust' and 'fit in' into an abnormal world. But having good family & friends do help to a certain extent in mitigating the surrounding hypocrisy.

Normalcy, if I may, would begin by recognition that we live in abnormal times.

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young.

What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch?

Oh dear mate. Sorry to hear of your struggles. This bird I know has dysmorphia and in ways it's difficult to understand. But from what I do understand about it is that going to the doctor cannot harm. I recognise that usually you end up seeing some supercillious know-it-all that makes assumptions but it seriously cannot harm, because the way you seem to be thinking isn't right - do you think it is?

Treatment can be effective... apparently a combo of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and SSRIs (anti-depressants) works in a lot of cases. What people never, ever seem to understand is that they have a chemical imbalance in their brains - it's a physical thing. Your serotonin levels are dangerously low. I'm not saying treatment is the be all and end all - you must find some sort of inner peace - but give your brain the best chance it can to help you work through your problems.

The lady I mentioned, well, the post you wrote could've been written by her a few years back. Now she deals with it as best she can... reckons it never really goes away but she's found ways with dealing with it - she's found lovin'. She's happy enough. Think about it, man, because I don't want you to do anything rash. Please consider it.

As for me - I thought I had BDD, but it turns out I was being realistic

In all seriousness, I'm not a happy person, but I'm not depressed. I'm filled with disdain and hatred. I'm comfortable with that. I was raised by a lovely kind person and an ogre. A real ogre. I cannot convey what the first, I dunno, 15 years of my life were like. But I'm a compassionate man.. one parent taught me that - so I'm sort of juxtaposed betwixt the two - I'm so cynical it's unbelievable, but I like it. I accept myself.

What I'm trying to say is that although I'm f*cked up in my own way, I wouldn't go for help because I really don't think I need it - but if I did think I needed it, I'd go. I'd go in a heartbeat. As I've highly publicised, the wife is bi-polar... so I've delved into that psychology side of life... it's a real funny one - but it has left me having so much admiration for her upon understanding what she may be going through. She fights and fights against the troubles of her mind - takes her tablets to keep her level - hence she gets frustrated when people think they're above help - no-one is.

JGK wrote:No no no. For this forum I am abnormally normal. I don't really fit in to be honest.

Top comment.

JGK wrote:For the record, I am as normal as.

Fark orf. You are a biased, highly strung, neurotic, rabid Pinko. On the up side, you love cricket and follow the Drags. The latter again makes you a raving loony.

I've had a few bouts with the black dog in the past. I found the biggest problem was getting people to understand what you are going through. Unless you have suffered from it you have no way of understanding just how debilitating it is. People who haven't suffered think depression is just a bad case of the blues but it is much much more than that.

A fair call, BD. When I was way down, you just didn't talk about it for fear of being labelled a massive sook. But when you simply can't sleep a wink because your gut is tied in sheepshank knots and can't get out of bed in the morning to face your day of insurmountable hurdles (which used to be routine tasks), sumpent aint right.

Luckily my doc looked at me, smiled, and said "I'm amazed you've taken this long to open up to me. I dunno how you've done it".

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young.

What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch?

I'll tell you something - you've got guts; it can't have been easy to have put this in the public domain. I understand where you're coming from about medication, but treatment is not necessarilly all about pills and potions.

Aye Bas. This joint should be more of a man-shed where things like this can be discussed.

Talk Gussie, we will listen.

Batman wrote:

LLL - What your office colleague did was sad. But unforgivable. Anyone heartless enough to dump his 7 year old child to face harsh realities of life by chickening out of his responsibilities won't ever get my sympathy. People who do that come across as cowards to me. Not having the will to live is just a yellow excuse to avoid facing life and it's responsibilities [my own personal view]. Just my own opinion.

It may just be your personal opinion - but it's a worthless, sack of sh*t of an opinion. It's the opinion of a healthy individual who has no idea what a person with bipolar goes through. Morons don't seem to realise that people who committ suicide are often not able to rationalise and think normally. They sit there with their relatively happy, chemically functional brains and pontificate on cowardice like they know jack sh*t about anything.

You have zero right to judge anyone with mental illness. If it helps self righteous idiots not judge, he'd not been taking any medication for years and his daughter lived with his divorced wife. No-one knows exactly why and what because he'd been keeping it all to himself.

Robert Ford was a coward. A man who kills himself because of crushing depression is not.

You know f*ck all.

Chivalry Augustus wrote:I have a depressive disorder with the highest rate of suicide in the entire world. It is commonly known as body dysmorphic disorder and includes among its related neuroses another of my illnesses, obsessive compulsive disorder. As a general rule my mental health is not good. I do and have thought about suicide in the past and am thoroughly of the belief that when I do eventually die, it will be at my own hand. I often feel as if the particular kind of individual I am makes me unsuited to modern society. I am depressed when alone and more depressed when in company. I've had good friends, bad friends, no friends, and can scarcely differentiate between the three. It doesn't matter to me.

I have to be honest and say that I really dislike life. The only thing I dislike more than life is myself. I have often felt that I would rather not have been born at all than suffered to exist. Some people enjoy and love life whereas others are born with a peculiar introversion that guides them away from that ability to love and nurture. In many ways I am emotionally crippled. I have never been loved myself and probably never will be loved. The result of this is a peculiar self-loathing that manifests itself in ever more perverted ways. Whatever people might think we are a product of our upbringing, irrespective of the direction in which our nature guides us.

I go through manic phases. Sometimes I have the euphoric phases as with bipolar disorder. People think I should go to a doctor but I don't care much for other people telling me what I already know. I don't want to live a life where pills are the route to other people's idea of sanity. My idea of enjoyment is another few years of living fast and hard, and dying young.

What about the rest of FB? Are we a majority sane or insane bunch?

Is it an appropriate time to re-post that photo again?

Having a schizoid personality has ruined my life. But it doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel like I miss out. I know I do though.

So it really is true. Most of us are a bit farked up, but it's taken the mighty game of cricket to drag this rag-tag bunch of mental cases together.

Hang in, Clam.